Sunset Solitude


The sun woke up from slumber and glanced leisurely at the earth below. I watched the gilded clouds drift with the cool morning breeze. On the other side gray mist was rising. The smell of thunder hung heavily in the air and within no time the dark clouds descended and the earth was covered with thick drapery of rain. The Whole day  the game of hide and seek continued and towards the afternoon the sun managed to emerge out of its veil.

I watched the sun stabbed sky as the afternoon shadows began to stretch long and thin. Alone, I wrapped and folded my thoughts under the pillow and watched the sky catch fire. Somewhere between my sunset and your sunrise we lost our way. I watched the clouds turn into castles,cliffs, hills, shadowy gleans and  groves. Some  moved listlessly , their edges burning crimson while others just masses of molten lava floated where ever the wind took them

Usually the setting sun calms me but today the splintered  sky  drew blood from my heart. I watched the carnage of abandoned memories and dreams unfulfilled. Maybe it was  moment of catharsis. Something must die to give birth to a new thing. It felt therapeutic to look at the changing sky colors and the different shades of red, pink, yellow and blue. Sun is a potent source of energy and yang.  Instead of closing my eyes to it I looked deep into the crimson west and let my body absorb the glow.

It was the time for the birth of night with all its mysteries and dark potentialities. The twilight hour was close. That dividing line that joins and separates two opposites at the same time.  Sunsets can draw you like magician and keep you suspended between heaven and earth.  One gate closes another opens bringing with it new challenges, new hopes. One must gather the ashes from the pyre and scatter it in the deep dark approaching night  to be merged forever into oblivion and prepare for yet another birth of a new day.

It had been a long and testing day. The temple bells , the cacophony of birds, the deepening shadows , the strong cool breeze and the early August sun setting behind the concrete jungle all of it was a sublime experience. I stood on the terrace 14 floors above the ground and gazed at the world around me till the distant horizon. The earth bears the cycle of birth and death with patient love.

I remembered Robert Frost’s poem

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to-day.
Nothing gold can stay

The lone kite was circling above and the pigeons were huddled together on parapets, railings and windowsills. It was time to mend the frail garment of  life and  weave some threads of gold and red into it. It was time to catch the last strains of day’s symphony and turn them into a new music score.

Phantasm


A vein opened and words began to flow, something  I have no control over .

Spirits, voices, callings … I don’t know what flows in my veins and make my fingers tap the keys. Delirious and feverish with something beyond my knowledge I flow. Out of a swirling black misty dream a path emerges for a while, then closes within a dream. Did I tell you I am a dreamer, a seeker ?

There are times  one needs to change the  path and move on to a different road. A more exciting road,which emerges out of nowhere and just goes on.  A  dangerous and mysterious road. Unknown, Unseen.That’s when you cut yourself loose.  Shed all inhibitions. Just be yourself and listen to silence of the spirits around you.

Am I fooling myself , they ask. Is it that I create these visions around in my dream space to feed my insecurities and fears. Who knows he reason. Who wants to know. They help me find myself.

I feel there are many ‘ Me’ inside this ‘ I’  that I am. They all reside in small little compartments waiting for their time .

We dream that is why we live or else we exist .

Someone asked me am I really what I say I am for I don’t connect with the poet me, writer me and my voice does not have the power to convince the thoughts I portray . I smile .

No, I am not that.

I have no idea who I am.

There is that Me which people see in flesh and blood but that’s just a body, a vehicle for my soul and a treasure chest that holds an unruly heart and a devious mind. I have the hell and heaven inside me.

I , is not defined .It is nameless orphan of silence.

Do not try to know me by my face or my aging sick body. It is nothing but a mirage. An illusion .

Look deep if you have eyes to see like I do.

Why is it that people do not believe when I tell them spirits and souls exist. They roam around and connect with right match.

You are plugged in with or without your consent . All is not love, sometimes you just get sucked in and have no place to run to and then they make you rise the storm , they spin you till all becomes a blur.

Battlefield

Unruly heart&devious mind at it again. Words as weapons are sharp. Loaded. I am watching from a distance. Scared of the result. This one time I trust the spirits around me. The storm is rising again. Swirling with great intensity every moment that passes. I try to see… just a blur. I know they are there. A vein is cut . I see the ink flowing like a river in rage. Red ink, the color of blood. What next?

The heart is unruly but very courageous. It bleeds so I can dip my pen and paint pictures with my words. The devious mind … oh never mind..

There is light and there is darkness. All within. There are monsters, demons and there are strong, courageous loving female spirits that ever walked in the universe. We just have to know the difference. A hard thing to learn.

I recently got connected with some beautiful souls animals and humans  each with an enigmatic aura. Reaching out from nowhere.

They just know and seek you out. Especially the female spirits. They have strong invisible blood bonds .

You break , you change , you expand and then there is a release . Sometime you reach that point of combustion and then  Nothing.. you wait .. it is not time yet.

Someone watches from behind the night’s curtains.

Some one I don’t know

A spirit which could be  manifestation of my imagination . A new birth of a crushed desire .

We take pride in knowing Love and affection .We talk about the beauty of it and yet we know nothing of it. Nothing at all. whatever you think Love is , is not actually .  Of course it is debatable .

We frown when words like Lust, passion and longings are spoken.

Hypocrites that we are.

Humans have made things so complicated.

Something life was never meant to be.

We have caged life in chains of so-called emotions.

When all it is to life is an uninhibited, unrestrained approach.

I long for that. The I that is really Me.

We are either spectators or exhibitionist and never ourselves. We are performer to please the rest and then we take our place in the crowd and watch others perform. An endless activity .

The dream catcher is meeting the word weaver and there is lots in store.

Spirits move around me. Silent Observers. Is there a calling ? Let them decide the path

I felt it again some days back.

A male spirit at my feet when I was fast asleep. Usual time around four in the morning. I was asleep yet conscious of its being there. It wanted me to get up and insisted to sit up. Shaking my feet gently. Normally I would have opened my eyes and looked for it but this time I could not . Eyes felt heavy, drugged. I did not want to take any journey with it this time ( this time because I had a feeling I had gone on one before) I just played tired and lethargic and in a flash of a moment I was pulled to a sitting position . As if  pulled by both arms . I woke up instantly but still could not open my eyes . No feeling at all, just curiosity. I kept sitting, no movement and then rolled back to sleep. Something that usually doesn’t happen.

I feel it around at times , a caged desire ?

Spirits , they show the path themselves  , they send souls to unravel the secret. I AM WAITING

The time has come to be fearlessly myself


Adieu 2010.

Leaving the past behind and living in this moment probably does not simply  mean – not carrying baggage from your own life.Maybe it also means – not blindly accepting and following the “so called ” moral values, religious beliefs etc.

Year 2010 is gone and with it are gone the pain, hurt, negativity. It is time to shed those veils called ” responsibilities, compromises, duties etc” . So much of me got buried trying to go out of the way to play the different roles to please different people.

I avoided looking into the mirror, to face the stranger who stared at me with questioning eyes. The guilt of losing my ‘self ‘ was too much to bear.

Past few years have been a journey to hell and back. I have no one to blame but myself. we let people use us as doormats, let them walk all over  us and never utter a word even if we are exploding with pain and humiliation from within. We take it on because maybe the other option is to be alone and we are afraid to venture into that unknown territory . We like  the familiar grounds however thorny they might be.

At the threshold of my heart I found dreams waiting, I had left them alone in some dark corner and forgotten. They looked at me beseechingly. I had promises to keep. To myself. Promises I had deliberately forgotten .

Under those veils a body was restlessly turning from side to side. whose body was this ? How did it look? What color was  it ? I had forgotten. I had forgotten myself. I was  just a daughter, a  wife , a mother, a DIL  relentlessly doing her duties ,performing my part to keep those around me happy and contended .

In the last few years something changed . Over the period those veils became dirty, worn out and gossamer thin and I was filled with  a sudden urge to shred them and escape to freedom.

I found my voice – strong , fearless and free.

It wasn’t easy. Just as I was used to being veiled  the other were used to keep me that way. Lips sealed, eyes & ears shut and feet chained. The transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly  was unacceptable but

“A Caterpillar cannot stay in a Cocoon Forever . . . A Butterfly Has to Emerge one Day” !!!

It shook their very foundation.

They say that if you poke a harmless worm it also turns and bites .

The time has come to fearlessly be myself . To assert my identity.

To leave the past behind and move on with no baggage takes courage especially when one is not used to it. It was a difficult decision but worth all the pain. I made myself what I am and only I can rectify it. No one else can do it  . Is this my new year resolution?

NO. It is my life resolution. To live and not to exist. I learnt my lessons the hard way by compromising myself to the point of submission knowing that it is doing no good to me.

A major part of my life went in deception, in feeding the Ego with social appreciation and attention. I was always  reflection of what others (society) wanted me to be. I was becoming an efficient part in the mechanism of the society. Fitting into the pattern but moving away from self-knowledge, that self-knowledge which is the true introspection. Self pity and feelings of being victimized is how I looked at my life. I clung to my Ego.

Questioning has made me realize my self-worth. It has helped me mature over a time. I have learned  the secret to unfold my brilliant, resilient petals and bloom.

I am building faith within, trusting my inner self more often to walk alone and walk with conviction.

Now my priorities are sorted out. The path I have chosen is not paved but I have made commitment to myself , a commitment I am going to fulfill. It is a rough pathway I have carved for myself and I don’t know where it will lead me but one thing is clear, it is a path I have chosen and I will walk on it with head held high.

Some of you must have read Louise Hay . She says,” “Cluttered closets mean a cluttered mind. As you clean the closet, say to yourself, ‘I am cleaning the closets of my mind.’ The universe loves symbolic gestures.”

I agree with her . I realized that dumping painful memories, expectations and hurt feelings is akin to cleansing your soul. I did just that.

I never believed in and supported the age-old dogmas , rituals etc but now when I look back I realize how much of myself I gave away in doing things which were worse than those orthodox senseless beliefs I detested so much. It is shameful to say the least.

There are some things which I was  taught as a child which I remembered but never implemented but in last few months I gathered the courage to kill my ego for a greater joy of rising above my current state of hollow living and finding new meanings in life.

I have learned that only fools cry ” I was used” or ” I am being used” . I am past that .

I need no sympathy . Life isn’t over till I decide.

Life has so much to give and the journey has just began . No turning back , no intrusion from past. The past is gone, dead, buried. The ghosts of yesteryear look elsewhere for there is no place for you in my new life.

I value those who showed me the mirror , shook me out of the dirt I was living in. Friends who are brutally honest yet very caring and supportive. My mom and brother who believe I can touch the sky , they believe in my strength as a woman, as a person . Friends who are part of my evolution, who taught me right from wrong and pushed me off the cliff so I could fly.

It is because of them I left my cobwebbed corners where I sat wallowing in self-pity, crying over events gone by which held no meaning for me, people who did not matter .

I learned to separate dreams from reality and not mix them.

I learned to take no shit from no one EVER however close they may seem to be.

I learned that no one is more important and worth shedding tears apart from my self.

No covering up lies of other people . When I speak the truth  why should I side by lies ?

No adjustments that are one-sided and lead to compromises and submission. Never ever.

Tonight a lot will change. Slowly but it will change and for good.

The new year is To Be Fearlessly Myself

The reason I wrote this post is to look at as a constant reminder that I have promised myself something and I will not sway . Come what may.

Wishing all my readers courage , love , light and peace  in the coming new year.

Musings Of An Unquiet Mind


Silence of woods on a spring day

The heart is restless today. I am trying to calm my unquiet mind. A longing to escape is growing within. Escape to a world within. I rummage through an old diary tucked away among some forgotten pictures and notes tied with a lavender ribbon. Slowly I shred them and let the pieces of a long gone dream make a tapestry of words on the floor. Razor sharp edges of crisp paper even after so many years? I thank the person who invented email. READ, DELETE, TRASH AND EMPTY. Letters written on paper are difficult to destroy. They somehow manage to leave a mark. Burn, shred do what ever. They stay.

I discover these jottings at the end of the diary . There is no date . I copy it all here. Just as it is and light a funeral pyre for the memories rotting along with the pages.

Smudged words, blotted patches of ink crazily crisscrossed paragraphs.

I don’t need them now.

I need a  silent escape. My blog is the only place I retreat to at such times. I allow myself to flow with the words copied from the diary.

Silence of the woods on a spring day.

When the breeze sings the  symphony of pure silence and the sunlight filtering through the tops of the trees and lovingly touches the ground. The beautiful, magical dance of the flawless shadows on the forest floor surrounded by a mystical aura. Time floats free in the endless woods.

The silence in the rhythmic music of a mountain brook or in the  rustle of the leaves as the  tall elegant trees  sway like the dervishes  in a soulful dance. A green silence.

The fading moments of daylight dissolve into twilight bliss. The forest melts into an ebony haze. A soft misty nothingness is filled with serenity’s song of silence. Nocturnal darkness takes over silently seeping through the very soul of the forest wrapped in the essence
of luminescent splendor.

In nature – trees, flowers, grass – grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence…we need silence to be able to touch souls .Silence …to listen to the silence between the words, between the lines, in the gaps, to absorb, to become one with what you are doing.

Meditation or dhyan , silence of the heart and soul …It heals ..Creates a stillness and calm within …

It is when we are silent, we open up to life and it does the same for us.

Maun …. Embodiment of joy.
We do not always realize the implications of the quietness we unconsciously seek and enjoy when we take a walk in a solitary meadow or in a forest or on a mountain. By occasional contacts with silence, our nerves are soothed, energy is regained, and the total effect is bracing to our bodies and minds.

I enjoy being silent even if I am part of a noisy group, it’s not a forced silence like when you are alone.

For me keeping quiet and being silent are two different things.

When silent, one’s mind should be trained to become empty …you don’t even talk to yourself even in the subconscious …it’s a wonderful feeling which completely de-stresses you.

Once you start to enjoy silence you learn to listen to the unsaid, sounds you normally don’t pay attention to.

It increases your power to listen, makes you in tune with self and your surroundings.

Listening is a dying art.

Most of the time we just hear the various sounds without paying any attention to them. Being “maun” is also a method to enhance your will power . We always want to escape to a peaceful place looking for ‘SHANTI’  but that shanti lies within us, we just have to look inwards.

Silence is also very beautiful, I have experienced that by being completely silent I become one with nature and that’s a wonderful feeling. It has a calming effect on soul.

Silence has helped me take many major decisions in life, to do things in the right way guided by my inner. It has improved my concentration power and though still I need to work quiet a lot on it, it has tremendously helped me discover myself. So SILENCE for me is self discovery and a very important part of daily living.

For me

Silence is not

lack of words

lack of music

lack of curses

or  lack of screams

Silence is not  lack of colors

or voices

or bodies

or whistling wind.

Silence is Not  lack of anything

Silence is resting,

nestling in every leaf, every root, every branch of every tree,

it is in the breeze that nibbles at these leaves

or sometimes swooshes around them

Silence is the flower sprouting upon the branch

In the drizzle that tickles them

or the pouring  rain that drenches  them to the core of their being

it is also in the still air that hangs around them on a hot sultry day

Silence is the long winding forest trail  fragrant with the intoxicating aroma of sweet pine

Silence is mother’s song to her  newborn child and  her  cries for her stillborn one.

Silence is the roar of ocean waves and  the sandpipers dancing on the shore.

Silence is the vastness of  green rolling plains and it is a blade of grass.

Silence is the flight of a solitary eagle

A colorful kite soaring in the vast blue sky

A dog curled up under a shady tree on whose trunk furry squirrels run up and down.

Silence is sound And silence is silence.

Silence is love, even the love that hides in hate.

Silence you share with someone you love, so cold, so sharp, you could cut yourself on it. There is nothing so hurtful, nothing so bare and forlorn as the silence that falls like swords on two people who no longer know what to say to one another, and it is the kind of silence that tells you that you are no longer of any importance to that person, who really is no longer even there; it is a silence that renders you invisible.

Silence that hangs heavy in the air. A dark cloud of silence. Where the words strain to touch the  fabric of  someone’s silence. When words become strangers , the thoughts freeze and we are rendered speechless – silence of death of loss.

Silence of pain , physical, emotional pain that’s leaves you numb.

Silence of the suffering heart.

Silence  is  the eyes of poor, hungry children

It is the lover’ s sex exhausted fall into sleep.

It is the call of morning birds.

Silence is the lucid moonbeams kissing a wild flower.

It is a word, a hope, a flickering flame of candle at the window of a  home.

Silence is everything –

in the renewing sleep of Earth,

the purifying dream of Water,

the purifying rage of Fire,

the soaring and spiraling flight of Air.

It is all things dissolved into nothing

Silence is with you always

Sometimes as Shanti sometimes as khamoshi and sometimes as a mook cheekh ( a silent cry) a silent cry of a woman.

.

Early Morning


Just a few  drops.

On the back of  hands

At the corners of the eyes

clinging to the strands of unruly hair

sliding down the red tip nose and burning cheeks

smudging the red letters on the pages of an old diary

and blurring the faces in the picture

mixed with a few cups of bitter-sweet black coffee served with two spoons full of  arguments .

Accompanied by muffled music of halfhearted strings, half-truths, told and untold lies ,

the drops silently left their random places and traveled to the sky .

I guess that’s when the sky became overcast

and  it began to drizzle .


Wednesday 7 PM


The heat is unbearable.  I am going through a strange phase, I do not know what to call it. A feeling of restlessness is creeping in. The summer afternoons make me dizzy with thoughts. It’s been some time since I discovered that my body was not at ease. Doctors are the last people I would want to visit but I had no choice. The comfortably numb feeling was now becoming a bother. The tingling sensation in the limbs continues to remind me that I need to take care, pay attention. A warning.

Life is strange. I have suddenly lost interest in everything. Everything seems strange , fake. I want to shed the masks I am wearing. I have began to question relationships, emotions, intelligence, my very own existence. What am I doing here , why am I alive  dragging my sick body, mind and soul around for nothing? Have I lost my way and the purpose of living?

My uneasiness disturbs the stillness of the afternoon. There is only one sound that overpowers the inner chatter is the hum of the AC outside the window.

I am beginning to hate noise, sounds irritate me. I want to escape inside a cocoon. My hair uncombed and disheveled stick to the nape of  neck. I want to chop them off. Go bald maybe. I am as crumpled as the sheet on which I lie watching the fan struggling to circulate some air in the stuffy room..

I snatch a bottle of chilled water from the fridge and gulp it down ,  it cools my inner but the uneasy feeling continues.

Standing at the window of my ma’s 9th floor apartment I stare blankly at the concrete jungle out there. The building remind me of deserted graves in a forgotten cemetery. It is depressing for the first time for graves never depress me. They have a way to communicate but the sight of these high-rise builder flats,  old crumbling houses drain me.

I pull the curtains. A memory of a loved one is nagging me since morning. I woke up with a dream and a bitter taste in my mouth. I know you will find your way to this page. Silently .

I want to cut out the noise, zone out  drift away. I shoo the memories away. Intruders from a distant foreign land. I wince as a sharp splinter of a dream goes deep into my heart. I remind myself to stay alert and not get seduced by the distant calling and yet my heart rebels. I have developed a taste for getting bloodied and bruised.

Incomplete , mute stories of two hearts living in two different worlds.

love.. romance… lust… I understand the last. Love as I saw it sucked the soul from my body , romance was a smoke pattern on the walls of my mind. Lust .. yea that is real. very real. Unsaid but felt strongly. Camouflaged yet visible like an undercurrent. Lust never lasts. It never can be a bond between two souls. It is like a bush fire.

I never asked for explanations. I know the reason we parted.

Virtual world is a strange place. unknown people wanting desperately to connect with each other, seeking love which has  a hollowness attached to it. Yet we give it , let ourselves flow with the current, hearts break, disillusionment , hurt, we knew it all and yet we give it seek more. Addicted to the something so unnatural.

I saw you , an image, an enigma ( yes you were) , I was trying to disconnect with real and move to another realm. got sucked into the web. You were like a tiger on hunt. I feel this now. Slowly moving in the shadows, distracting the prospective prey to get away from the herd. You had set your eyes , eagle eyes, on the target. circling around till the moment was ripe. No you did not want to kill. You are not cruel. you were amused, you wanted to play. It is rare but not uncommon. Tigers play with their prey, make it comfortable, make it run, tire it and then pounce on it ripping it’s soul out of the body. You played very well but unfortunately lost the grip.In a twinkle of an eye I realized the hollowness of the thing and yet ….

I saw my  mistakes, errors of judgment, your failings, my fall…all so clear now. All the excuses  made for you when others pronounced you guilty are now vacuous billboards along the stack of drained words.

Resentment crows over the dusty horizon, a sour taste, a feeling much beyond hatred.

What’s that feeling?

I am trying to figure out the deafening, demeaning silence in my heart but am unable to comprehend it yet.

I look back and watch the strange threads of lust love and hate  tangled and knotted . A crowd of memories of you jostle and fight for space,  filling and overflowing from the gaping spaces.

The dust filled sky is silently watching the turmoil. I can taste  as the dust sits on me. you burn me like this summer sun. blisters .. incurable and painful.

I have lost the relevance in your life just as the smoke patters on my heart walls have dissolves into the air making it even more stuffy in the room.Shadows marked across the heart…

I am listening to the song on my mobile.. in the end it doesn’t really matter. There is a maddening urge to throw it all out and disappear.

The mind cautions the heart against rummaging in the bottomless depths of human emotions.

“Beware the flood-gates of human passion”.

Who is listening… ? Have you even connected to someone who transcendent into the very fabric of your life. Someone whom you have never met , nor will ever maybe, who is just  known to you . Someone virtual not real and yet he is there in every little thing that revolves around your everyday life. An enigma , an reputation you have created. He may not be aware of it for it is you who wants him to be there in every waking , sleeping moment . You weave your life around him , that image  which has began to seep through your senses. You become that person as he takes the hold on you completely.

Why and how can a person who drifted from some distant land, distant space occupy your each living moment? Why is it that I am unable to detach myself ? Why is it that even after such a suffocating silence my heart strings play the notes of his song. Why is it that his presence haunts me day and night?

Why does the heart aches for something so utterly impossible? Why do I seek him  knowing that he is just a mirage in the vast  desert land? Is it ego that holds me captive to grudges and memories or love  or longing or just a need or am I lingering on to a relationship feeding myself on the pain and agony? What am I looking for? Is it a blame game I want to win ? How does it matter  who is right or wrong? What will it change ? What will I achieve ?Why the memories that brought a smile and warmed my heart slash through my heart now ? How can a sweet moment turn so bitter to bring a taste of bile in my mouth and yet I treasure it ?

Why I need an explanation ? Will it mend the broken heart or bring back the freshness of love with which it all began? It rips me apart to let go so I hang on to the nurse the open sores silently I close my eyes experiencing the throb , the ache , the hurt. Self inflicted trauma.

Unfulfilled dreams, a feeling of loss of something which I doubt was ever mine. A longing for someone who does not exist in life. A virtual fatal attraction. A giver turned into seeker. That’s me.

Why do I yearn even after receiving such hammering from him?

Too often sincerity is an under-rated virtue in modern life.

Some people  leave a void impossible to fill.

I have a feeling my soul is spent and I have nothing more to give to give to the world.

My love tainted.

The torrent of emotions screaming down the insane moist greens like a dive bomber inflicting greatest damage and then a calm.. gentle , seductive  blend of heaven and hell.

The post started on Tuesday and has lingered on till today. ..passions flow unrestrained.. they need  to flow ..they will  till I find myself again.

In pursuit of the query “Who am I?”


The pursuit of the query “Who am I ?” destroys all other thoughts. I ask myself relentlessly this question over and over again. Who am I? What is my role in the bigger scheme of things? Where is the life leading me? Is it the right path I have chosen or let’s say have I given any direction to my life as yet or is it simply flowing without any aim , any course?

I look within and find a storm rising. A disturbance .. something is not right. I need to go inward and seek the answer.

If I am not the five senses and the body, if I am not the mind and not the doer , who am I ? I meditate on this and still find no clue, but I am reduced to nothing. everything falls apart. The “I ” , the “ego” drops dead. leaving behind a void. All illusions vanish. Everything seems fake.

I let the thoughts freeze .. silence follows. A deep rooted silence. I try to make the mind come out of the illusion of self, of the world around me. It hurts. The mind pushes me to either close or open my eyes ( I meditate with half closed eyes). It persuades me to go flow with the world we have created to satisfy our “self”. The tussle intensifies within. I am pulled away by an inner force.

I want to remove myself, even from myself. Why is it that I can not be complete within? Why do I need someone to copliment me or complete me? What does it take to break away from bonds that tie you in the shackles of expectations, hope, pain, guilt, love, desire, anger, envy, rage, jealousy, and much more?

I try to set free the things and events that hold me captive but in vain. The mind overpowers and even though there is realization , I am unable to act. Giving in to the viciousness of my mind.
Why is it that even after knowing how to discern, I give importance to things, events, people who mean so little in the journey called life.

I am lonely when I want to be alone. there is a difference. It is an obstacle in my path of self realization.

I let emotions rule, even now. Even After some years of self control I still give in. Give in to circumstances which should not affect me.

Where is all the learning going? Why I feel a sense of guilt when one part of me mocks at the other for my actions.
what pulls me ? what force? is it greater than the one I need to pursue or is it that I am not yet ready? I feel I am creating stop overs. Places from where I can return if I get scared or feel lost. The absolute faith in the divine and unknown is still lacking.

The question remains unanswered .. the desire to renounce is growing. To uncling, to let go, to set free .. to move forward by taking an inner journey ..let us see how I am able to achieve it.. till then the relentless pursuit is on.

The other Me and Myself


I am a dream weaver. I am alive only when I dream. I am a haunting melody echoing in the woods, the lonesome moon princess gliding through the marbled floors of the night.

I am the twilight rain, Silent, mysterious. I am the mist that slowly descends over hills, rivers, valleys, woods and towns. I am the flush of the morning and the crimson hue of the sunset sky.

I am the dew nestled in the womb of delicate flowers, a raindrop hanging from a glistening new leaf. The soft green moss on the white smooth pebbles, I am solitary wild flower dancing in the spring breeze. I am the new folded April bud on winter- haunted tree.

Under the splendor of the starlit sky bare feet I dance on the shifting sand dunes. Music fills my soul, music that no one else can hear. Sounds of silence fill the empty spaces in me.

*******

Night wraps everything in its soft blanket. The orange moon slowly drifts past my window and lingers on, resting on its elbow on naked silvery branches of the tree. We lay silently, our bare bodies soaked in its lucid beams. Consumed.

The only sound is of the rhythmic beats of two hearts beating as one. Your moist scent fills me completely. The moon decides to move on, and slowly a heavy darkness envelopes us. I can’t see you but your scent lingers around me speaking to me of your presence. I inhale the mild aroma of lavender that drifts with the night breeze from your soft cotton shirt.

I close my eyes and enjoy the mixed aromas, the scent of the wood smoke, the gardenia blossoms, your skin, your breath, your sweat.

I taste, drink, smell and take you in. I rejoice in our togetherness, in the scents that bring you to me.

I turn and gaze at your sleeping silhouette in the dim moonlight and feel warm all over once again in the cold of the winter night.

Enchanted …NaBloPoMo


The bronze sun melts into the blue waters of the ocean making it blush a very romantic shade of crimson and within a few hours the silvery moon spreads it’s magical light making the water shine like a huge rippled sheet of molten silver..

I am in awe of the creator and often wonder from where she gets all those splendors of colors.

In silence I watch the cotton clouds drift in the clear blue sky ,taking shapes of my dreams. I smile as I lie down on soft green carpet of dewy grass and watch the dance of clouds high above.

An eagle sails through.It’s wings spread. A sight to behold .Freedom in it’s ultimate form . I watch it glide over the mountains, the valley and the ocean,playing hide and seek among the clouds .

I decide to walk till the edge.

The sun in all it’s glory gets ready to merge with the beautiful earth.

The sweet heady cocktail smell of pine trees and wet earth fills the air around me as the cool breeze begins to blow gently.

The waves kiss the beach and withdraw as if shy of the touch .

It is an enchanting view from where I stand.The edge of a cliff jutting out of the mighty mountain.

The vast expanse of the blue green ocean suddenly becomes a glorious show of light and colors.My eyes catch silhouettes of sail boats on the calm waters rhythmically moving with the sway of the water.

I listen quietly to the rusting of the leaves of tall majestic trees as they sway in a soulful dance with the passing wind.

The birds return to their nests for the night.For some time the bird calls and fluttering of wings fill the silent evening, the tree tops come alive with hundreds of birds descending on them to find a suitable place.Then it all becomes quite again as if everything is under some kind of a spell.

I glance around the magical landscape around me, the majestic mountains,the pine trees standing in a line like guards of honor,the ocean and the Grey beach below, thousands of wild daisies spread like a carpet of yellow and white.The lights in the valley like glow worms.

Mesmerized by the mystic ambiance of the place and the breathtaking beauty, I slowly walk toward my cottage. The winding path along the flowerbeds is covered with dry pine leaves. I tread softly not wanting to break the serenity of the place. The light inside is welcoming. I enter the warmth of the room glowing with the bright flames in the fire place.

The moon, partially hidden by the night clouds peeps through my window. I watch in silence. our souls unite and I become one with the cosmic energies around me. Feeling calm and beautiful within, I cuddle up in front of the fire place and thank the unknown creator for the beautiful earth and the sky above and closing my eyes marvel at the mysterious ways in which she spins her magic yarn.

whatever there is, it is in this moment ..


We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine.
— H. L. Mencken

I love old Hindi Bollywood songs and this particular one sums up what I believe in.

Nothing exists beyond this moment. Most of us spend our lives lamenting the past or worrying about the future and in that process forget to live this moment.. the one moment when they are alive.

People seem to have great difficulty living in the moment. Many feel drained by living because they can’t let go of old hurts, anger, fears or their need to feel in control of situations or people.

We don’t want to let go, we don’t want to let off people so we carry the load on our shoulders. The way to enjoy living in the present is to surrender.

Until the past is surrendered – your energy will be invested there and not available to you. Until you give up looking into the future, fearing what it will bring, trying to control outcomes, believing you know what someone thinks about you and that you can control it, your energy will be invested there and unavailable in the present, where it’s really needed. It is only through surrender that you can regain this energy.

The Secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, nor to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.- Buddha

Each moment is a miracle , a mystery a joy of being alive. Unless we learn to live the moment we can never really fully be alive.
Be perceptive of what is around you. people , things anything that is around you. Observe closely. Every little thing matters, it brings life into that particular moment.

Pay attention to your senses- smell, sound, sight and taste. Become the music you are listening, the food you are eating, be the water you drink, the air you breath. Become one with the nature and the universe around you.

Live each moment as if it is the last one of your life. Savor it.

The cells of our body are dying, the neurons in our brain are decaying, even the expressions on our face are always changing, depending on our mood. What we call our basic character is only a “mindstream,” nothing more. Today we feel good because things are going well; tomorrow we feel the opposite. Where did that good feeling go?

What could be more unpredictable than our thoughts and emotions: Do you have any idea what you are going to think or feel next? The mind, in fact, is as empty, as impermanent, and as transient as a dream. Look at a thought: It comes, it stays, and it goes. The past is past, the future not yet risen, and even the present thought, as we experience it, becomes the past.

The only thing we really have is nowness, is now.

Sogyal Rinpoche

The day I learned this truth I started living. It is difficult to practice at time but worth giving a shot. I do it on regular basis and live. I am alive to my surroundings, to my inner for that particular moment.

It’s human nature to avoid unpleasant situations. However, I like Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön’s thoughts on the subject in her book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times:

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”

So do not waste even a single moment of your life. Be the cookie that you are eating. Savor it now for you will run out of them.

Become unselfconsciousness, flow, breath, savor, accept, and embrace the unexpected in the here and now of your day. It’s what sets it apart from all the other days before it.

( some parts taken from “Six Steps to Living in the Moment” from an article by Jay Dixit in the November/December issue of Psychology Today)

ENJOY the song and become one with it.

Aage bhi jaane na tu, peechhe bhi jaane na tu
jo bhi hai, bas yahi ek pal hai
Aage bhi jaane na tu…

Anjaane saayo ka raaho mein dera hai
Andekhi baaho ne ham sabko ghera hai
Ye pal ujaala hai baaqi andhera hai
Ye pal gawaana na ye pal hi tera hai
Jeene waale soch le yahi waqt hai kar le puri aarzoo
Aage bhi …

Is pal ke jalwo ne mehfil sawaari hai
Is pal ki garmi ne dhadkan ubhaari hai
Is pal ke hone se duniya hamaari hai
Ye pal jo dekho to sadiyo pe bhaari hai
Jeene waale soch le yahi waqt hai kar le purii aarzoo
Aage bhi …

Is pal ke saaye mein apna thhikaana hai
Is pal ke aage hi har shae fasaana hai
Kal kisne dekha hai kal kisne jaana hai
Is pal se paayega jo tujhko paana hai
Jeene waale soch le yahi waqt hai kar le puri aarzoo
Aage bhi …

Song from WAQT sung by Asha Bhosle

NaBloPoMo Post for today