I am large, I contain multitudes


I have a contemplative self and an impulsive self. A short-term self and a long term self, some distant past selves and distant future selves. At present I am in conflict with myself about the imaginary selves and the so-called real self.

Which of the self is actually me? Who am I?

No, it is not dissociative identity disorder, though at times one may think it is. Mind is a devious creäture who makes us believe who we are and is aided by the powerful emotions – anger, guilt, sadness, desire, pain, longing etc. Within our brain are different selves who pop up in and out of existence, each one with different desires, and each one wanting control and planning, scheming, plotting to get hold over others.  Walt Whitman said it aptly, “I am large, I contain multitudes.”

I think I have a strong coping system to deal with all my selves.  The idea is to maintain a balanced interplay between all the selves, a balance between long-term contemplation and short-term impulse.

As the time span increases I feel we have more multiple selves. I feel that I shift from one self from another smoothly; there is no clash, no conflict, no overpowering of one over other. Sometimes these selves that we create protect us, help us cope up with daily life situations, help us emerge from some deep hurt or realize some desire. They also help in making us strong. I see it as therapy.  I feel that different selves are brought to the fore by different situations and it is a continuous process.

A friend once remarked that I come across as a shy, introvert, scared, insecure person and that does not fit the image I have as a blogger / writer in virtual world. People who read me and know me from there expect me to be that gregarious, extrovert, bold and outgoing. Both these selves are me. One what I wanted to be and maybe was from within and other which people saw in me as a person who interacted with them. These interactions also differed from situation to situation and people to people.

I noticed over the time that I was able to merge the various selves to create a new stronger self, shedding the weaker aspects. From the moment we are born, we wear a mask and a robe of who the people around want us to be and the layers increase with time and under all this the true self in subtly forcefully buried.

I felt that under this entire role-playing I developed some overpowering selves which took control over those which initially existed. As the awareness increased the conflict also did. Maybe, to combat that, I created more imaginary selves, one of them being my virtual self. Most of them are various “me” in complete harmony and control over the situation they are in.

I realized that this creating imaginary selves  helped me to become what I am today and by that I mean to uphold what I believe in. Enjoying fiction requires a shift in selfhood and I think participation in what is unreal is the best way to spend the leisure time. To take on different identities makes takes much of sadness and hurt from the real-time experiences. It helps heal. I find creating alternate identities or selves, interesting and harmless.  My imaginary friends and selves have a lot of fun and adventures. I am fully aware of these imaginary situations and selves and often joke about it as I love my schizophrenia J  . I guess they have made me more socially adept than before. More confident and secure and most importantly helped in “being myself” and not a shadow of what others expect me to be.

Most of us from time to time hold conversations with people who are not actually there. Conjuring up people or physical props is common and with me creating selves to match these props or people comes easy. As I said before maybe I have a strong coping system. Internet is interesting place for creating the alternate self and many people indulge in it due to its relatively safe environment. I know people who have created different avatars to explore or release different aspect of them.

It would be remarkable if all the selves coexisted and worked as team inside our mind but they clash and create compulsions and addictions. If one can keep them under control then they can prove beneficial too. In my case to an extent they did help me get out of a messy life and change my path.

Self binding helps to contain oneself from dominating the other self. Both the short-term impulsive self and the long-term contemplating self are essential for growth, the conflict continues and sometimes one wins, sometimes the other.

I define my self as what I stand for and believe in, sometimes visible and at others camouflaged.

I remember a short verse from Rumi which says it all:

 “Anyone who knows me, should learn to know me again;

For I am like the Moon,

you will see me with new face every day.”

― Rumi

This post is in response to week  #54  (5-27-12 to 6-2-12): Self  BGE 2

Ek Chadar maili si


Apni zindagi me jhanka to beete huye salon se bhari huyi kitab ke panne bikharte chale gaye. vyaktigat sangharsh ke dauran apne ko kahin door chor diya aur rookne ka vaqt hi nahi mila. Khudko samjhne ka, sarahne ka aur khilne ka.

Aaj ek kasmasahat hai. Apne se sambandh toota hua lagta haiMann ki dehleez par kayi sapne , kayi vichar khade hain. Kuch purani pehchan hai unse.
Jivan ek tarfa sa ho gaya tha, mere andar ki kalakar, likhika, nari, nartaki, jayika aur ped, paudho se pyar karne wali malin, barish ki phuhar me sahaj hansnewali aurat aur sath hi aurat hone ka ehsas ,sabhi kuch ek purane kapdo ki gathari me bandh kar mann ke kisi kone me phenk diya tha. apni nayi seemayon me main aisi bandhi ki sare shringar choot gaye aur ek sookhepan ki chadar ordh lee.

Zimmedarion ki ye chadar ab ghisne lagi hai.
Ise uthar dena chahti hun.. ek rahat ,ek aazadi ka ehsas mehsoos karna chahti hun.. ek nayi chadar odhne ka..shayd aadat si ho gayi hai chadar odhne ki..ek suraksha ka ehsas milta tha, garmahat ka bhi. Chadar hi mera astitva ban kar reh gayi thi.. meri pehchan.

Kaun hai es chadar ke neeche, kiska jism hai, kaisa hai, kis rang kahai, kaisa dikhta hai ye jism ..sab bhool gayi thi main.
aaj phir wo jism chadar tale karvaten le raha hai ..khle aakash me pankh lagakar udna chahta hai .. khwab dekhna chahta hai, unhe sakar karna chahta hai.. chadar ki garmahat se nikal kar insani garmahat ko mehsoos karna chahta hai..

us naadi ki tarah behna chahta hai .jo apna rasta khud banati hai ..virodh me tod kar nikalna chahta ..talab ban kar thaharna nahi chahta ..bandhna nahi chahta .mukt hona chahta hai.
pane ko dekhna chahta hai paas se ..apne me sabko samana chahta hai.
Jana chahta hai us sansar ki aur jo usme hai ..mujhme hai.hawa, khushboo, samudra, badal sab banana chahta hai ..ek bhasha ek parivesh nahi ..sab kuch.

is maili si ghisi chadar ko utar aaj maine pehli bar khud se mulaqat ki ..apne andar ki sundar nari se do baaat ki ..
sab bandhan , sab zanjeeren tod de. aaj apne ko sahi mayne me muqt kiya ..

Ab main khud apni pehchan hun ..

samay aa gaya hai apne se judne ka… jeene ka .. apni abhivyaqtiyon ke dwar kholne ka.. jeevan me rang bharne ka .

Samay aa gaya hai  sadiyon se bari khamoshi ko todne ka ..apne sapno apne adhikaron ko aawaz dene ka..