You and Me – Gratitude


September 7th

This solitude is too loud. The writer’s block is too full of words swirling inside me. Unfinished poems, half told stories that rise and fall inside me like cresting waves travelling thousands of miles with tremendous amount of power and momentum to reach the shore. Each one with a different tone and timbre.  Slowly forming themselves from micro ripples to ripples, to wavelets to waves that are steep and choppy, all rising from an almost invisible swell at a distance, spilling, surging or plunging as they break over the beach. Waves that are the pulse of the ocean that’s inside me. I tune myself to their magical ability to nurture or destroy, to their colors, forms, moods and character, their faces, forms and manners, their tints and tones, their murmurs, their rage and sorrow, scorn and anxiousness as they frown and foam and riot inside me. I listen to their lament, their agony as they snap and lose their elasticity. I feel the spray of their innocent childhood, their luminous youth.  I inhale their faint sillage, the salty sweet smell of their leaving. A beautiful memory of small moments destined to be lost.

I revel in their phosphorescent, fragrant, passion as they whorl and dance, rise and fall with a tender ecstasy only they possess. I feel their taste, sweet, sultry, fiery as I catch the dripping juices on my parched tongue.  I conjure them and watch them rustle around me like a memory of a language long forsaken.  I feel the rush of love, the surge of grief, the respite of peace.. 

I am persistent in all the highs and lows of life and even though the page remains empty I write. I pocket every sound and smell, every motion, every pause that has been dormant till this moment. I let it enliven my senses.  I give myself to the seductive, never ceasing invitation of these waves and let the spell enfold me and make my soul wander into the close sensuous embrace of the sea. There is no story board inside me. Thoughts flow free. Sometimes, like a glint on a piece of glass, something illuminates, Le Mot Juste, and flows to the tips of my fingers, there is a quiver of understanding from the word to the brain to the heart and in that moment of transcendence words shed their printed bodies on the paper making it pulsate with life.

They may mean nothing to you or maybe everything but to me they bring on the much needed catharsis. They help me expand my horizons inwardly.

 You never lose by loving, you lose by holding back. So I write. I flow. My creative intelligence creates; recreates and transforms all that is not perfect though the twenty six letters. Words are stronger as they come together to Purge, purify, and expunge the unwanted just as the waves do.

 Usually all rivers flow to the sea but this river flows from the sea, turning the salt to sweetness as it journeys to the source.

You.

Against all odds.

I turn you into stories, verses and let the images emerge in accordance to my dreams making me whole and perfect and in the process the negative flows out leaving nothing but the sweetness of love. The key to healing is allowing so I get out of the way and trust the recovery. Letting the vibrations flow from the words that sooth me into being whole. What we write we become, is what I am learning so I write of hope, faith, trust and love. Releasing the block, releasing the doubt. Allowing the impulse to write rather than force it, molding the clay (words in this case) for the purpose of talking myself into vibrational alignment of what I want rather than dwell on what’s not or imagine what won’t be or wasn’t there.

Today is the day of gratitude. I am grateful to you for stepping into my world. For allowing me into yours. For the words you fed me morsel by morsel and helped me nourish my mind, body and soul. Expectation is the combination of desire with belief and I am thankful to you for showing me that. It has helped me write a new story. I am using this block and solitude to bury the historian in me and become a story teller so that the future doesn’t become like the past. The past is over and done with. No more beating this drum. I start afresh. I have lived enough to know what I want and to know what I don’t want. You didn’t know who you were and that taught me who I am. Thank you for that and for giving me greater strength, independence and clarity. There will be and are a million things that will take me back to what it was but thanks to you I will remind myself to see all the benefits that came out of those hurts and aches silences among other things. I promise that my happiness in an inside job so I won’t hold you responsible for how I feel or ask you to change in any way to make me happy. So, thank you for helping me discover a stronger than ever desire. Thank you for loving me, for all the said and unsaid words and for all the pauses.

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Rambling heart


Sometimes the heart is filled with mixed emotions. Just that.

Is it wrong to have a good trusting heart? Why is it that people try to smother you the moment they find you vulnerable or naive? Is not friendship/ love or for that matter any relationship about giving space?

Sometimes one has to let go even after knowing that the person means well. Relationships blossom only when there is a flow in them, like a river. When you try to lead someone’s life for him/her then it begins to wither. We all try to control the other person all the time but the moment someone does it to us we rebel.

Sometime the best thing to do is quietly let go and move on. You can’t force a flower to bloom. To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.

Yesterday all the young adults were at home. It warmed my heart to see how these kids have grown up to be such wonderful human beings. It wasn’t long ago when they trotted all over the house wearing diapers .  It’s amazing  how one of them has started earning, another  crossed his teens today and the little ones are not so little anymore.  We saw their baby pictures and read the small little notes and letters they had written . The beautiful drawings that those little artists made brought back so many memories.

Today is my firstborn’s twentieth birthday. Strange that when one beautiful relationship was blossoming another was crumbling like a house of cards. Sometimes I wonder what is this strange relationship I share with my boys. They are my sons, best friends, confidante and much more.  There is a much deeper bond that connects us where age is no bar. I think despite of  all the blows that life gave the journey was one hell of a crazy fun trip with both.  Trust me raising two brats is not for weak hearted. I have had my share of tears and laughter.  You can browse through all the  posts about my mind-blowing brats and me Here  

Talking of relationships reminds me of some very beautiful ones that I share with some very precious people in my life. Some are just memories as either the other person is no more or they have moved on to different cities and different arms but the warmth remains.

My father was a very special person. We shared a great friendship and I accepted him with all his follies. Who are we to judge but Yes, I raised my voice against what I felt was wrong.  We argued, discussed, laughed off something, got pissed off at others but the bond strengthened with each day. I sometime wonder what makes a relationship click ? Maybe it is the similarities or maybe it is the differences. I know that it is acceptance of both that makes some strong but then why do some of them crumble? We are forgiving in one relationship and so very unforgiving in another?

I guess it is question of how deep is the hurt. When the hurt penetrates deeper into the crevices of heart it is difficult to nurture a bond. The heartstrings lose the elasticity, they break .  All one can do is forgive and move on. We learn from past relationships, we learn all the time, every moment teaches us something one just needs to be aware. I have realized we can either make it  bitter or better.  I want to bring out the nectar from the poison.

I began this post yesterday but these days emotional posts get me down. Today is the festival of light. A time to look within and observe the inner light. To let go of all the hurt, pain and negativity. To Believe and embrace life as it unfolds.

Life enriches in more than one ways. I lost some of the most precious years yearning for love, compassion, dignity and most of all my inner child but today I feel I have come a full circle. I have learned to accept love in any form it comes. To keep my palms open. It is said that it is not standing still that makes the butterfly sit on your palm but the stillness of heart. I am sure I will be able to still my heart from today.

There are people who have warmed and nourished my life . Friends , some virtual other real, who have given me strength to shed the veils, to be myself, to love myself and stand alone again.

Sometimes the heart knows no reasons and goes all out to just Love. Relationships sometimes don’t have names. They just are. It is a feeling beyond words. One just feels blessed. I thank the universe for bringing this joy to me , for all the precious hearts who are connected to mine , for the light that guides me in the form of my mentor , for the immense love and care I receive from someone very special . Distances do not count, nor does someone’s being or not being physically, it is the energy flow that matters. It really does.

I learned one thing in recent years , it is Our heart that sings the unchained melody of love , it doesn’t posses , doesn’t smother .. just loves and sometimes there is a duet sometimes not but the song remains eternally beautiful. It is complex and yet simple. There is a longing and yet there is a free flow. I want it to be like that .. flowing. No one got anything from caging someone. It is in the spaces that love grows. We just need to open our heart petals. I am doing it and am sure the universe will respond.

This is my rambling heart , flowing as a river. Sometimes calm and serene and at others youthful like the mountain spring.

So here is to love, happiness, light and peace

Here is a beautiful song for all of you  and especially for someone who changed the course of my life by just being there unconditionally.

Lazy Tuesday Ramblings on woman’s day and such stuff


Why are women such suckers for emotions ?

Just a random question that popped into my sleepy head just now.

Last few days have been a little freaky for me. All those health check ups, recurring dreams about strange things, a question session with self, changing patterns of a relationship, a writer’s block ( am I calling myself a writer by any chance ?) 🙂

I dragged myself to my blog on this lazy Tuesday afternoon when the merciless sun is shinning brightly in the sky outside my window, the crows are creating a racket on the fiery silk cotton tree and my younger son is snoring to glory on the bed next to me oblivious to all that’s happening around.

“Chill Maro mom” , he says when I try to involve him in sharing some of my mind storms. Sigh!!

Yesterday was International Women’s day and many of my friends were blogging about it frantically, congratulating each other and planning the day while I had a heated debate with mom about why I do not believe in women’s day or any other such day for that matter. Glad it was on phone and ended before my evening visit to her place.Glad that she too thought that celebrating “days” should be done with.

One day everyone is praising women, talking about their rights, the sorrowful state they are in, writing about equality and  then they move on and do the same about  some other “day”. Sigh!

Why I don’t like it ?

One , because I feel I do not wish to limit myself to celebrating “days” for me womanhood is to be celebrated each day. All those women who do not rejoice in it all the other days of the year are just not worth it.

Two, I do not like these gender specific celebrations and type casting which leads to comparisons.

I asked my maid if she knew anything about women’s day and she said, ‘ what’s that? Does it mean I get a holiday today?” she felt that all these things are for people  who have money to spend. Go to WD special events, sales etc.

It’s the day  for all the beauty products, household appliances, jewellery stores, fashion houses to offer discount sales for the ‘woman of today!’

I asked her how she knows about them and she said a madam told her to come early because she had a party for celebrating WD. she did not ask her much but came to know that just like V-Day it’s some sort of day for celebration and more work for her. She seemed pissed off with all these ” day” which means more utensils to clean and  no respite.

I ask , Women’s Day for whom?

For the ” women’s right activists ” to roll out speeches and take out processions and shout slogans? what difference is it making in any  woman’s life this celebration of WD? what are you celebrating anyways I question them? Have you been able to change the mindset of women as well as men?   if yes,  then we need to celebrate something.

Are we not creating discrimination and inequality by celebrating Women specific Day?

Tell me one thing , Are women downtrodden, supressed, subjugated, inferior class that they need a special day to remind the humanity of their existence?

We complain about society,men, laws, tradition, we never appreciate ourselves and change our mindset and so are losers,no one else is responsible. Unfortunately from female foeticide to dowry to many other things women are the abettors. They pass the age-old dogmas, rituals, orthodox traditions from one generation to the other and the chain never breaks.  Just a realization, self-worth  is needed.

I believe in Nari shakti, I believe in my worth as a woman as an individual, as a human being, I don’t need some day, some slogans to tell me that.

No one should. We are all unique, there is no comparison between men and women , both have their importance in the web of life and it should not be caged in some “day” which creates more divided. It does not help at all even to those who are seeking justice for “underprivileged women” across the globe.  Why is it said again and again that women are weaker sex.

Are we? NO

Beauty and brains 🙂

Does women’s Day bring any change in the mindset of millions of women who do not even know the meaning of womanhood and have little respect for being born as one?

I think I  have a big problem with the word Feminism .

Many of us women need to change the mindset. Men too are victims of abuses. They too are victims of sexist agenda. Does anyone talk about it ? Is there any place any law that gives them justice, any NGO, organisation that listens to them ?I know about one which I think is called Prevention of cruelty against Husbands. Never heard what they are actually doing. Men, they suffer in silence. Why ? Because  men are traditionally labels as tormentors. I do not deny crime against women are rising  and I too have many a times written about it but has anyone researched about crime against men . Yes it’s happening everywhere, just not in the focus.

READ THIS  .. I suffer in silence , male victims of DV

We need to focus  on what we are fighting against , Is it domestic Violence or DV against women? I am raising my voice against any type of domestic violence.

What would you say about 50000 false cases of dowry harassment every year. Around the same figure of men committing suicide every year. No support systems.

Social attitudes, that’s what it is all about. Both men and women are individually suffering on various fronts and fighting their lone battles. I don’t want this post to become ” who is more oppressed” debate post.

We talk about equality of sexes and then go one to celebrate Woman’s Day. Why is it so?

Hmmm.. well I think I got a bit  carried away. It has become a rant post instead of rambling

But I had to say it all.

I know some of my women friends may not like this and rightly so because  they are conditioned to think the other way.

Celebrate life, celebrate yourself each moment , each day. What you think you become.

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