“Is there anything in the world sadder than a train standing in the rain?”
Love… The very word warmed me all over and I basked in the glory of the thought that the feeling was mutual.. for once it was not an one sided affair. Under the bejeweled sky I began to serenade, a song which rose from the depth of my very being. The night silently listened.
Something changed overnight. Every moment became an irreplaceable miracle. I became conscious of people’s stares. Was I looking different , I often checked into the mirror and saw the fireflies dance in my eyes. Was it the color of the thousands of candles lit in my heart that had risen to my cheeks or it simple was the thought of you? I don’t know.
I began to write. The hues from the skies and the seas, the various shades from the red maple to the moist velvety green of the hills covered in morning mist ran wild in my verses. Suddenly you colored my world with unthinkable variations of reds, blues, greens, whites, pinks and yellows. The phantom man who haunted and inspired each word, who controlled the dancing fingers on my keyboard.
My emotions rose and fell like the waves of the ocean, taking me along on end endless rhapsody of life. My soul left my body and danced among the sand dunes..liberated. It’s swirling movements and soft taps echoed with my heartbeats.
Passion flowered under the deepest darkest corners of my life as you watered the tiny saplings of love in me. It seemed like a dream within a dream.. absolutely unbelievable yet true. I flowed like a wild river, rushing to meet you at every bank and every turn, full of hopes, dreams, joys and promises.
Your love like the mellow warmth of the winter sun thawed my frozen heart and rejuvenated it. I was alive.
The time like a winged thief stole the most magical moments of my life. In my insanity of the new found love I forgot to see that I was travelling the path alone. Somehwere you had changed your path and left me dancing to the echoes.
As I watched the shadows of gloom descend and envelope everything that surrounded me. The hushed bliss had turned into a morgue like silence. The river had lost it’s youthful rhythm … the ripples were there but soon they would be gone too.
I began to gather the broken pieces of my heart. the sand beneath my tender naked feet began to burn. the blisters bled and a trail of crimson footprints began to take shape as I ran after what was mirage.
I could not let go. No, it was not true, it could not be. In the dark recesses of my mind your love was still moist and warm breathing life into whatever remained of my ravaged self.
In every winter’s heart, there is a quivering spring, behind the veil of each night, there is a smiling dawn, is that not what you used to day .
Where is my dawn ? Why am I scared of the night which brought the best in me for you.
I try to still myself, to control my breath and the thoughts. The night is stained with the memories of lost love, of deception, broken promises, guilt, excuses and hurt. The sunsets that I chased make me weep. The moon, which we both saw from our windows across the oceans and the deserts and saw each other in it, vacantly stares from the raven sky. My heart looses track and I try to listen in vain for those millions of heartbeats when I merged into you. They all seem to have melted away.
Autumn has left the trees bare just like my heart. I watch each leaf, dried and crunchy, slowly glide to the ground like my desires and dreams and see it get piled up, crushed and then scattered away with the wind.
Splinters of memories dig deep through my soul, leaving it bloody and bruised. The day goes by in doing various mundane tasks but it’s the nights that bring the agony and the pain. It still makes me alive but with different emotions. Tears that sparkled on my eyelashes in the brilliance of your love now burn the skin as they roll down ceaselessly like the lava from the volcano. The whirlpool of emotions, feeling that are trapped within, memories that jostle with each other create such a havoc inside me while a smile struggles through the frozen tears to face the outside world.
Gaping spaces yearn to be filled, the fruitless life longs for that dawn of hope. All in vain.
Where did we err?
I wonder what happened to the little notes of love that I wrote. Are they tucked away somewhere in the crevices, tear stained and crumpled, forgotten.
I look around the sand dunes and the emptiness around me . In the dust filled sky , your faint outline on the horizon lifts my dying spirit. Are you a mirage or just a distance not traveled? I gather the remaining stardust in my hands and under the faint light of the moon, which limply hung from the torn garment of the night sky, I began to struggle through the shifting sand grains.
I hear your voice though distorted. at times it’s different, like that of a complete stranger. I follow my instincts. There is nothing more to lose. All that I had was given to you with complete trust and devotion. Now with a torn, trailing veil of memories I seek you.
The dust of dreams leaves one thirsty,I try to ignore the feeling and as one dream another rises. I follow them relentlessly, hoping to reach you.
I lose when I count how many times I reached out to you and cried out your name.
The asphyxiating silence prevails.. I don’t know how many dreams will end before I find you again but hope is a miraculous thing at least for me for it keeps my life strings attached to you. Maybe someday I will be able to cover the distance between us or maybe you will go wandering back into the corridors of memory, find me there and breath life into my soul.
The night has fallen again, the cool breeze seeps inside me as I watch the dark sky where clouds drift like distant dreams. I wonder if you will ever read this but I know that the breeze will carry the fragrance of the passion flowers to you and maybe, rekindle the flame from the ashes of our love.