You and I – Unrequited Love

Days and nights have suddenly turned cold in the middle of summer. Cold and Hard like last year’s loaf of bread. I slice them with blunt knives and chew on them without appetite.  Indifferent messages do little to bridge the aching distance or break the deafening  silence that has occupied every fiber of life nor does an occasional assemble of  affectionate words give any comfort. Even though the heart longs, it knows it will never get more than that.

I wonder if this pitiless indifference is subterfuge for hiding the torments of love or it is  the opposite of love. Love has denied rest to my soul and slumber to my eyes. I have begun to dread the approaching night. It deepens the loneliness and hurt as I stare into the vast emptiness of the dark sky. A lonesome moon sometimes glides past the window and lying on my bed, fatigued by days of sleeplessness, I watch it disappear from sight.

Words that I wrote for you float like pipe dreams, adding fuel to the slow fire consuming me from within. It is funny how presence makes itself felt more poignant through absence. Stray memories come to haunt , it is amazing how darkness brings things to life, gives them a form, a voice.

I lie as still as possible , least I disturb your silence and it moves away just as you have. I don’t even dare to breathe.

Mind is a fucking manipulating control freak and in those moments of vulnerability , it leaves no chance to whiplash.

There is no feeling worse than knowing you weren’t worthy of truth, of love, of sharing, of  togetherness, of complete oneness, not even an incomplete one. Unrequited love curls itself in some secret crevice , wounded and bleeding. It doesn’t die.

There is always a part of me that hopes for more, and so there is a part of me that is always a fool. Love does that.

Am facing a silence so cold, so sharp you could cut yourself on it.  There is nothing so hurtful, nothing so bare and forlorn as the silence that falls like swords on two people who no longer know what to say to one another, and it is the kind of silence that tells you that you are no longer of any importance to that person, who really is no longer even there; it is a silence that renders you invisible.

It has rendered me invisible. Some days ago I wrote , sometimes one knows one’s place – outside the periphery.. The words come out so powerfully now. It is all good to talk of giving space etc, of trust and understanding and being comfortable even in silence of a loved one but this is not that silence.. this is a silence that cripples.

It’s a marvel that even with such agony the longing doesn’t diminish , it continues to feed on the loneliness and gain strength. It grows stronger , so does love- even the unrequited one, for it has its own rainbows.

“Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”-Sarah Cross

but the other part holds true too. We are creatures of desire and desire needs to be respected.

Love needs to be fed. Nurtured. Nourished. It needs to be deeply felt.

It needs to be reciprocated.  Replenished.

It needs to be expressed. In actions as well as words

Especially when words are the only medium.

Unrequited love is an orphan of silence.

Abandoned to fend for itself  during the endless days and never-ending nights.

Read all YOU AND ME  posts here 

The thought bodies

We all have thought bodies and in those thought bodies are spaces .Spaces in which two souls connect with each other .Be it humans or any other thing, living or non living .I feel everything is alive, breathing with exuberance of life .Even the rocks, hard from outside, have a space with in where you can touch and feel their pulse. One can only find these spaces, if one is silent from within. Most of us are unable to do so because we all talk so much even inwardly .we are hardly quite .

I talk to birds, animals, flowers, pebbles everything around me and they respond, in silence.One just has to connect with the energies around oneself.

Nature is our best friend, giving unconditionally all the time, and the more you reciprocate, the more you find the depth of love and warmth seeping inside you through all that exist around you. You just have to be open and receptive to all the good and abundance the universe has to offer.

The sickle moon, the wild plant that cracks the sidewalk to open up n bloom, the trees which become homes for so many birds even when dry and in full bloom they give shade to one and all irrespective of who and why, they all have spaces which call you and if you are receptive, you can enter those spaces and become one with them?It happens with humans too ,with unseen unknown people .It has happened with me .

Nature heals; it helps you find answers .Sitting in silence, emptying oneself of all the thoughts helps me at least to see reason.

As humans, what do we learn from what’s around us?

Most of the time, Nothing at all.

Unwilling to let go, we want to hold on, to possess, and to own. We can’t share, can’t love, and can’t let the other person be a separate identity than our own reflection. We want to mould. We feel jealous, hurt, let down, so full of negative emotions, assumptions that we lose more than we gained. Many people I talk to say ,kiddo these are human emotions ,we are all humans ,or some go further and say that they have risen above all this and do not give a hoot .They claimto be complete in themselves .I wonder if they really are ?I wonder if any of those are right observations .

We are scared, scared of being alone. We can not live with our own self, we become lonely .If we do not have any living person or thing to hold on to, we hold on to the memories .We need crutches. Each one of us, including me.

However I try to stand still, the butterfly does not come and sit on my shoulder. Why? I ask myself. Because, though my body remains still, am not calm from within, the stillness is missing from inside .The urge is strong and it keeps the butterfly away .One needs to be still from within.

Can we change from within to become for once in life, unconditional in our approach to life as humans and justify our existence on earth? May be yes .And that’s precisely I am trying to learn. It is difficult in many spears of life for taming the mind is exceptionally tough task, and it is our mind, the devious little thing, not the heart, mind you, that dictates and lures us into the realms unknown .Coaxing us to take some action which many a times our heart resents .

I am learning to listen to my heart strings once more.

To still myself and connect to the child within .

To bring out the innocence and purity of a child’s love ,the curiosity and the inquisitiveness and total surrender to the cosmic energies around me .

Building Faith within.

I feel that as long as we do not tie ourselves in knots with anything that touches our lives we can coexist beautifully with it, be it love, memories, nature, anything .I trust my inner voice and know that it guides me in the right direction, though it may not be the one taken by all .To walk alone and walk with conviction is right as far as I am concerned.

To dream, irrespective of the fact whether they realize or not, is to live.

To love unconditionally irrespective of any reciprocation, is true love.

To place oneself a step below and open oneself to life is living fully.

To be able to gather small bundles of joy that come your way instead of looking for the treasures that you do not even know exist ,is justifying your existence on earth .

To be able to smile in times of intense pain befriending it as one more lesson to learn is true learning.

To think of Death as a friend with whom you have to start a new adventure, is letting your soul, your spirit free .And you are free from within .untouched by fear .For it is the unknown, uncertainty that scares us .Living in now in this moment of joy is life

As they say

Defer not till tomorrow to be wise,

Tomorrow’s sun to you may never rise.