Ten On Tuesday


1. I don’t look fat but I have gained weight. I have stuffed myself with desserts lately. I think it is ‘stress eating’ or ’emotional eating’ though I do have a sweet tooth. I am basically eating my feelings. The result is the weight gain and still the lack of energy or for that matter inspiration. I am not binging but I am just eating too much sweet. Food as a form of relief. Relief from stress, insecurity, loneliness, hurt, anxiousness. I am aware and I am trying to get past it. Time isn’t a good healer and I am just too emotionally distraught now. Food is a passion for me and I do not wish it to become a curse. So ‘ban’ is not what I aiming at but control. Sleep deprivation is another thing that may be adding ounces and inches to my body. Need to cure that and get into shape. Love myself before others.

2. The Urs Mubarak of Hazrat Amir Khusro has begun and this time too I am unable to go to the dargah. It is not very far from where I live but there is no calling I guess. It is something I need to do. I am not a religious person but there is a mystic pull that keeps me tied to this place. I often sit and focus on the energy I get from there. Sending all the vibrations to the universe to make it happen.  Asking for healing, guidance and peace.

3. This year has not been good at some levels which have changed the entire course of my life once again. Uncertainty looms large and I need to take some decisions. Asking universal help to bring things to closure and for new beginnings.

4.‘I fell in love, and with all the recklessness of love, I had no idea what I was doing until it was far too late to get out…’ – Jeanette Winterson

5. I am not averse to being alone. It is the best thing to happen if you can befriend your aloneness. It is the loneliness that seeps in the hollow of your bones and nibbles them from inside out.  There are worse things than being alone and most often when you do realize that it’s too late and there is nothing worse than too late. Indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. Right now, dealing with reality is tough but not impossible.

6. Sometimes one knows one’s place, outside the periphery. I have said this from the start, felt it from the start. I continuously felt something shifting from your side, I wasnt a priority or maybe I never felt like I was. I needed you to hold me while I was drowning in my fears. really, just that. It terribly frightened me when you shut me out while I tried to reach out to you against all odds. I wanted a little respect, some regard for my feelings, loyalty, a little importance in your long list of priorities… I simply needed to feel that in many hours and miles that indefinitely sat between us, Was I asking for a lot? I hopelessly waited for you to call me, stop , at least talk it out but you just let me slip away like sand from fist. I am trying to get over it. There is so much to get over with.

7. Hills are calling. I am thinking of settling down somewhere in hills. No, it is nothing to do with ‘how bad the word is’ , it is because I love mountains. I love the quiet, it has that formidable quality to counter the deafening stillness inside me. I was born in hill and a part of me always wanders in those paths moist with the sweetness of pines, it wanders with the clouds, over the valleys and little hamlets with red slate roofs. I am saving money to make that one way trip to some place where no one knows me. Start afresh and do what pleases me. Even if it is just gazing at the flight of the eagle.

8. I am reading a lot of zen these days. There is something calming in those pages. I am also learning to paint again. Dipping my fingers in real colors. I did two acrylic on canvas but I think I will buy a big sketch book, crayons and color pencils. Something I carry with me wherever I go. I need to hold the pencils again. The tips of my fingers are becoming numb with too much typing. I want to feel the pulse of the words I write and it’s not possible with the impersonal letters popping up with the click clack of the keys.  Things need to get real.

9. It is also time to bring closure to the novelette I began many moons ago. It has been beta read and coming back with comments. I plan to work on it with utmost dedication and bring it out. A lot of time, effort and commitment has gone into it. Same with the short fiction I have to edit. Time to make it all final and add some more to have a presentable book ready. Universe has been benevolent as far as my writing is concerned and many good things have come my way, I just need to go with the flow and discipline myself. i thing I have struggled with since long.

10. Talking about writing i am reading and experimenting with new forms of poetry and fiction. I twill be shared later sometime 🙂 Till then life will be all about keeping the faith that good things will happen. All that is lost will come around. If it is really meant to be.

Phantasm


A vein opened and words began to flow, something  I have no control over .

Spirits, voices, callings … I don’t know what flows in my veins and make my fingers tap the keys. Delirious and feverish with something beyond my knowledge I flow. Out of a swirling black misty dream a path emerges for a while, then closes within a dream. Did I tell you I am a dreamer, a seeker ?

There are times  one needs to change the  path and move on to a different road. A more exciting road,which emerges out of nowhere and just goes on.  A  dangerous and mysterious road. Unknown, Unseen.That’s when you cut yourself loose.  Shed all inhibitions. Just be yourself and listen to silence of the spirits around you.

Am I fooling myself , they ask. Is it that I create these visions around in my dream space to feed my insecurities and fears. Who knows he reason. Who wants to know. They help me find myself.

I feel there are many ‘ Me’ inside this ‘ I’  that I am. They all reside in small little compartments waiting for their time .

We dream that is why we live or else we exist .

Someone asked me am I really what I say I am for I don’t connect with the poet me, writer me and my voice does not have the power to convince the thoughts I portray . I smile .

No, I am not that.

I have no idea who I am.

There is that Me which people see in flesh and blood but that’s just a body, a vehicle for my soul and a treasure chest that holds an unruly heart and a devious mind. I have the hell and heaven inside me.

I , is not defined .It is nameless orphan of silence.

Do not try to know me by my face or my aging sick body. It is nothing but a mirage. An illusion .

Look deep if you have eyes to see like I do.

Why is it that people do not believe when I tell them spirits and souls exist. They roam around and connect with right match.

You are plugged in with or without your consent . All is not love, sometimes you just get sucked in and have no place to run to and then they make you rise the storm , they spin you till all becomes a blur.

Battlefield

Unruly heart&devious mind at it again. Words as weapons are sharp. Loaded. I am watching from a distance. Scared of the result. This one time I trust the spirits around me. The storm is rising again. Swirling with great intensity every moment that passes. I try to see… just a blur. I know they are there. A vein is cut . I see the ink flowing like a river in rage. Red ink, the color of blood. What next?

The heart is unruly but very courageous. It bleeds so I can dip my pen and paint pictures with my words. The devious mind … oh never mind..

There is light and there is darkness. All within. There are monsters, demons and there are strong, courageous loving female spirits that ever walked in the universe. We just have to know the difference. A hard thing to learn.

I recently got connected with some beautiful souls animals and humans  each with an enigmatic aura. Reaching out from nowhere.

They just know and seek you out. Especially the female spirits. They have strong invisible blood bonds .

You break , you change , you expand and then there is a release . Sometime you reach that point of combustion and then  Nothing.. you wait .. it is not time yet.

Someone watches from behind the night’s curtains.

Some one I don’t know

A spirit which could be  manifestation of my imagination . A new birth of a crushed desire .

We take pride in knowing Love and affection .We talk about the beauty of it and yet we know nothing of it. Nothing at all. whatever you think Love is , is not actually .  Of course it is debatable .

We frown when words like Lust, passion and longings are spoken.

Hypocrites that we are.

Humans have made things so complicated.

Something life was never meant to be.

We have caged life in chains of so-called emotions.

When all it is to life is an uninhibited, unrestrained approach.

I long for that. The I that is really Me.

We are either spectators or exhibitionist and never ourselves. We are performer to please the rest and then we take our place in the crowd and watch others perform. An endless activity .

The dream catcher is meeting the word weaver and there is lots in store.

Spirits move around me. Silent Observers. Is there a calling ? Let them decide the path

I felt it again some days back.

A male spirit at my feet when I was fast asleep. Usual time around four in the morning. I was asleep yet conscious of its being there. It wanted me to get up and insisted to sit up. Shaking my feet gently. Normally I would have opened my eyes and looked for it but this time I could not . Eyes felt heavy, drugged. I did not want to take any journey with it this time ( this time because I had a feeling I had gone on one before) I just played tired and lethargic and in a flash of a moment I was pulled to a sitting position . As if  pulled by both arms . I woke up instantly but still could not open my eyes . No feeling at all, just curiosity. I kept sitting, no movement and then rolled back to sleep. Something that usually doesn’t happen.

I feel it around at times , a caged desire ?

Spirits , they show the path themselves  , they send souls to unravel the secret. I AM WAITING

The time has come to be fearlessly myself


Adieu 2010.

Leaving the past behind and living in this moment probably does not simply  mean – not carrying baggage from your own life.Maybe it also means – not blindly accepting and following the “so called ” moral values, religious beliefs etc.

Year 2010 is gone and with it are gone the pain, hurt, negativity. It is time to shed those veils called ” responsibilities, compromises, duties etc” . So much of me got buried trying to go out of the way to play the different roles to please different people.

I avoided looking into the mirror, to face the stranger who stared at me with questioning eyes. The guilt of losing my ‘self ‘ was too much to bear.

Past few years have been a journey to hell and back. I have no one to blame but myself. we let people use us as doormats, let them walk all over  us and never utter a word even if we are exploding with pain and humiliation from within. We take it on because maybe the other option is to be alone and we are afraid to venture into that unknown territory . We like  the familiar grounds however thorny they might be.

At the threshold of my heart I found dreams waiting, I had left them alone in some dark corner and forgotten. They looked at me beseechingly. I had promises to keep. To myself. Promises I had deliberately forgotten .

Under those veils a body was restlessly turning from side to side. whose body was this ? How did it look? What color was  it ? I had forgotten. I had forgotten myself. I was  just a daughter, a  wife , a mother, a DIL  relentlessly doing her duties ,performing my part to keep those around me happy and contended .

In the last few years something changed . Over the period those veils became dirty, worn out and gossamer thin and I was filled with  a sudden urge to shred them and escape to freedom.

I found my voice – strong , fearless and free.

It wasn’t easy. Just as I was used to being veiled  the other were used to keep me that way. Lips sealed, eyes & ears shut and feet chained. The transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly  was unacceptable but

“A Caterpillar cannot stay in a Cocoon Forever . . . A Butterfly Has to Emerge one Day” !!!

It shook their very foundation.

They say that if you poke a harmless worm it also turns and bites .

The time has come to fearlessly be myself . To assert my identity.

To leave the past behind and move on with no baggage takes courage especially when one is not used to it. It was a difficult decision but worth all the pain. I made myself what I am and only I can rectify it. No one else can do it  . Is this my new year resolution?

NO. It is my life resolution. To live and not to exist. I learnt my lessons the hard way by compromising myself to the point of submission knowing that it is doing no good to me.

A major part of my life went in deception, in feeding the Ego with social appreciation and attention. I was always  reflection of what others (society) wanted me to be. I was becoming an efficient part in the mechanism of the society. Fitting into the pattern but moving away from self-knowledge, that self-knowledge which is the true introspection. Self pity and feelings of being victimized is how I looked at my life. I clung to my Ego.

Questioning has made me realize my self-worth. It has helped me mature over a time. I have learned  the secret to unfold my brilliant, resilient petals and bloom.

I am building faith within, trusting my inner self more often to walk alone and walk with conviction.

Now my priorities are sorted out. The path I have chosen is not paved but I have made commitment to myself , a commitment I am going to fulfill. It is a rough pathway I have carved for myself and I don’t know where it will lead me but one thing is clear, it is a path I have chosen and I will walk on it with head held high.

Some of you must have read Louise Hay . She says,” “Cluttered closets mean a cluttered mind. As you clean the closet, say to yourself, ‘I am cleaning the closets of my mind.’ The universe loves symbolic gestures.”

I agree with her . I realized that dumping painful memories, expectations and hurt feelings is akin to cleansing your soul. I did just that.

I never believed in and supported the age-old dogmas , rituals etc but now when I look back I realize how much of myself I gave away in doing things which were worse than those orthodox senseless beliefs I detested so much. It is shameful to say the least.

There are some things which I was  taught as a child which I remembered but never implemented but in last few months I gathered the courage to kill my ego for a greater joy of rising above my current state of hollow living and finding new meanings in life.

I have learned that only fools cry ” I was used” or ” I am being used” . I am past that .

I need no sympathy . Life isn’t over till I decide.

Life has so much to give and the journey has just began . No turning back , no intrusion from past. The past is gone, dead, buried. The ghosts of yesteryear look elsewhere for there is no place for you in my new life.

I value those who showed me the mirror , shook me out of the dirt I was living in. Friends who are brutally honest yet very caring and supportive. My mom and brother who believe I can touch the sky , they believe in my strength as a woman, as a person . Friends who are part of my evolution, who taught me right from wrong and pushed me off the cliff so I could fly.

It is because of them I left my cobwebbed corners where I sat wallowing in self-pity, crying over events gone by which held no meaning for me, people who did not matter .

I learned to separate dreams from reality and not mix them.

I learned to take no shit from no one EVER however close they may seem to be.

I learned that no one is more important and worth shedding tears apart from my self.

No covering up lies of other people . When I speak the truth  why should I side by lies ?

No adjustments that are one-sided and lead to compromises and submission. Never ever.

Tonight a lot will change. Slowly but it will change and for good.

The new year is To Be Fearlessly Myself

The reason I wrote this post is to look at as a constant reminder that I have promised myself something and I will not sway . Come what may.

Wishing all my readers courage , love , light and peace  in the coming new year.

Destiny’s Child – ‘I’ Reviewed – an introspective review of one’s own life


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“My life closed twice before its close;

It yet remains to see

If Immortality unveil

A third event to me,”


– Emily Dickenson


When I read these lines by Emily Dickenson, they strengthen my belief in tenacity of life and the miracles of the universe. When a life about to start is threatened by some unknown force, the cosmic energies intervene. So it happened on that beautiful autumn day in Kumaun (Himalayas) where I lay quietly breathing in my mother’s womb; the life ebbing away from me. Confused, scared but determined not to give up. It was a case of Placenta Previa. Death smiled at the door but they say destiny is simply the strength of your desires.

I desired strongly to live, to flourish, to explore and blossom.

Death would have to wait for me but it got impatient and struck again in the form of Encephalitis when I was four years old. I fought against all odds to be alive and make my presence felt in this world.

I am glad to have survived the battle of life.

A life was supposed to flourish. As my parents always said, maybe I was given this gift of life to fulfill a special purpose on this earth.

When I look back at these incidents from the treasure-house of my acquired memory, they seem highly valuable. Hitting a low spot so early in life has made me stronger and taught me that life is meant to be a magnificent adventure – to be lived joyfully, peacefully and in good health.

A major part of my life went in deception, in feeding the Ego with social appreciation and attention. I was always  reflection of what others (society) wanted me to be. I was becoming an efficient part in the mechanism of the society. Fitting into the pattern but moving away from self-knowledge, that self-knowledge which is the true introspection. Self pity and feelings of being victimized is how I looked at my life. I clung to my Ego.

Helen Keller once said – “When one door closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed-door, that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

How true! I realized that I was only dwelling on the negative aspects and not even moving ahead. Like quick sand, they were pulling me deeper and deeper and as I analyzed I found there was a strength within me that had the answers. I discovered the power of belief and faith. Belief in oneself and faith in the inner feeling. I am now convinced that, living life fully, celebrating life and miracles is living from an inner guidance.

I began to ‘look within’ with a different outlook. I stopped feeding the ego. I realized that the soul and not the mind was the center. That helped me blossom. I relentlessly asked myself –

Am I justifying my place on this beautiful planet? What is my purpose in life and am I fulfilling it? Where is the life leading me? Is it the right path I have chosen or let’s say have I given any direction to my life as yet or is it simply flowing without any aim?

Introspection to me is not about my life as ‘I’ in the society but as a human being who is part of the bigger scheme of things. I think I learned a lot from nature. Nature does not claim. All things in nature grow beautifully in silence. When Ego dropped, I felt the same silence. The illusions vanished. I am still in the learning process.

Learning to shed what is not needed for my growth. Learning to break away, from bonds that tie me in the shackles of expectations, hope, pain, guilt, love, desire, anger, envy, rage, jealousy and much more. Real introspection hurts. The devious mind pulls and persuades me to go flow with the world we have created to satisfy our ‘self’. The tussle intensifies within but this time I am ready not to give in.

Introspection is not just realization of what has gone by but to me, it is a learning process to what I can hold on to and surge ahead. I try to set free the things and events that hold me captive but in vain. The mind overpowers and even though there is realization, I am unable to act, giving in to the viciousness of my mind. Taming the mind is an exceptionally tough task. It is our mind, the devious little thing, not the heart, mind you, that dictates and lures us into the realms unknown .Coaxing us to take some action which many a times our heart resents.

Why is it that even after knowing how to discern, I give importance to things, events, people who mean so little in the journey called life? I realize how the Ego can lurk around ready to strike.

I am lonely when I want to be alone. I get scared, scared of being lonely.

It is mainly because we can not live with our own self. If we do not have any living person or thing to hold on to, we hold on to the memories .We need crutches, each one of us, including me.

It is an obstacle in my path of self-realization.

I let emotions rule, even now. Even after some years of self-control, I still give in to circumstances which should not affect me.
What force pulls me?
Is it greater than the one I wish to pursue or is it that I am not yet ready?

I feel I am creating stop over’s. Places from where I can return if I get scared or feel lost. The absolute faith in the divine and unknown is still lacking but I have found a direction, a path which will make me a better human being. The journey has begun. I have shed the past. We make the events negative or positive according to what we are taught. I now see each event as a learning experience and try to draw some positiveness from it to hold on and move on.

During the introspection I realized that though my body remains still, I am not calm from within and the stillness is missing from inside.

Meditation and silence helped me to look within and connect with my inner true self.

I am building faith within, trusting my inner self more often. Knowing that it guides me in the right direction, though it may not be the one taken by all .To walk alone and walk with conviction is right as far as I am concerned.

There are two things I am focusing on – one is the spirit of enquiry which is essential for spiritual, mental growth and the other is consideration towards fellow human beings without being judgmental. I have seen that being considerate helps one to understand oneself better. My problems, concerns, worries seem less important the moment I look objectively at people around me.

Questioning has made me realize my self-worth. I have managed to shed pseudo social rituals, customs, dogmas etc. I have learned to raise my voice against gender bias, discrimination and rise above all that which is imposed upon us for centuries.It has helped me mature over a time. I have learned  the secret to unfold my brilliant , resilient petals and bloom.

I feel that life is all about questioning oneself and all that surrounds us, and not just being content and resigning to what we have.

Some questions remain unanswered but the desire to (un)cling, to let go, to set free, to move forward by taking an inner journey continues…

Till then the relentless pursuit is on.

* * *

The Muse .. Last of the series “The light , The Healer and The Muse


I had been wanting to write this post for a very long time now but whenever I began to write somehow my fingers stopped working, my mind went blank and something told me to let it be for some more time.

I guess I have lost the link to the previous two posts in the series but then it was all beyond my control. I still do not know what to write in this post .. Is it a post about love, or is it about inspiration? Is it about my inner feelings or just a gratitude for someone special. I have no idea.
It is a time for some serious introspection I guess. I had been living in a wonderful dreamland of being a tale weaver, a poetess and imagined that I have a muse to guide me and all that .. This looks like the biggest joke I ever cracked on myself..

I am a creative writer .. Ha !

I guess I just managed to use some images some poetic phrases to pour my heart out.. Therapeutic for me I guess.. like writing a diary..

Sometimes the life changes dramatically because of some events. Mine did. They say it is all inside you buried deep and when the time comes it all flows out like a gentle stream or a rebellious river.

Someone special, Let me call him my muse, walked into my life some time back and my emotions, hopes, dreams and thoughts started to rise from the depth of my heart and take shape in the form of a blog.

I rejoiced in the fact that slowly over the last two years my blog roll went up and there were lot of friends who appreciated my writings and gave encouraging responses but lately I realized that there was a dire need for critique.. Appreciation came in abundance but I felt a void.

Going through my work I realized that most of it was mushy stuff apart from some travel experiences and a few articles on social issues.

The poetry especially seems to be going nowhere. It looks like an unending saga of heartbreak and self pity .. maybe it was the inner turmoil. I can not bind myself to rules but I feel like just a chunk of wood that needs to be chiseled and carved and polished so that a beautiful carving can emerge.

I need my readers to leave the MAS ( mutual admiration society) and give some constructive suggestions.

My muse.. well .. I will let him guide me as and when .. I was growing in his shade but now I feel it’s time to spread wings and cruise along in the endless sky..

To explore the immense possibilities and rise from my ashes like a phoenix…

when the inspiration dies, the phoenix rises, the phoenix that is in me, the inspiration I can be

all the poems I have written in Hindi and English are my gift to my inspiration. It may just be prose run wild but it helps me find my roots, it gave me courage to dream, to reach out from my cocoon and face the world out there. It taught me to love.

Talking of love …. I still feel that it is something like a spiritual experience.. I know I laugh at it myself.. such good actors are we.. mask over mask and playing each role to perfection..

All the time we engage in a battle within ourselves as if the ones raging outside were not enough.

I had decided this to be a great post but somehow it never materialized to be one..

Never mind I wanted to complete the post and I have found some good kind people who may help me learn. I am an open vessel and laugh at myself.. we are no Gods and every time it is a new experience, a new learning..

My inspiration is there in me in nature in people and things around me and in the unconditional love which was born sometime back through my Muse.

Guess I can move on and enjoy myself at my own expense and for others I will write when the time is ripe and I have sometime appealing to say.