Don’t need no memories hangin’ round

I want to offload. Offload all the clutter from my head. Offload the memories. Who wants to remember  anyway?  Spit, gargle, scrub, wash .. I did everything to clean the scars that my life got when it touched yours but the scars settled in the corridors full of memories won’t fade. They take monstrous shapes and explode inside my head. Isolated snippets that becomes larger than life , uglier, gruesome as they flash past inside my head like lightning.  Wounds that cut themselves and come alive in flesh and blood only to drag me down the past I want to run away from. There is no healing with memories lurking inside oneself. They appear out of nothing, damage and vanish. Just like that. 

What wouldn’t I give to forget these memories, wipe them off. I am tired of  tossing and turning each night, I want to get back my sleep? I would give it all up even if it means losing the good memories from another time , another place , of some other people. Yes, I would, if it means I won’t have to remember all the crap that scalds my inner, which gags and chocks my heart.

With my life going the way it, the things I have known and those I come to know whether I want it or not, the images that I am unable to shake however I may try, the mental trauma and heartache that wears me out on daily basis, the words that resonate inside my head however I may try to shut them up, the good memories too are slowly turning rancid.

Actually there isn’t anything good about your memories to be frank.  They are nothing but poison ivy clinging to my brain and sapping life out of me.  In fact I shouldn’t have let you in.  I pay the price with loss of face, faith and everything. I left the house that once I called home ( I wonder why coz it was never my home ) but the memories tagged along. I remember it all. Every bit of it. And that is the part I hate most.  You encroached my space then and  won’t let me have it now. 

I want to  gladly clear it all.  Give up , the good, the bad, the ugly.  Just don’t need no memories hangin’ round. What am I going to do with memories? Am done with sob story memoirs. I don’t wish to dig up the graves. Am done with all that. Am done with wanting to remember. Done with you. Please Leave. I do not need a fucking rotting fungal infested tumor of memories in my brain that is You. 

I want my mind spot clean.  I want space for new beginnings to flourish. I want  peace.  I do not want an inner tumult to wreak havoc in my outer world. I don’t want memories of old hurt, anger, loss, love anything  influencing my judgement and making me read the signals incorrectly. 

So you ask,  what about “happy memories” ? Memories that warm you on winter nights and give you company in loneliness? The beautiful sunsets and the walks in pathless woods?  Well, there is nothing happy about them, they hurt big time. These attention seeking narcissists. They bring a sense of loss, a void. Some people may have them, I am not denying that but for me , I can do without them. This cocktail of bitter-sweet nostalgia and pain. I don’t wish to go on vacillating between past and present with the noose of memories tightening on my neck. The events that were , were happy , full of warmth but as memories I can do without them. I will have many sunsets and many such walks in woods in present to fill the empty spaces.

I want to “die to the past” and ” live to the present”. 

Maybe I will find a stability later sometime in life to not let mind take over but right now, Oh man! I need an escape route.  

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;

One need not be a house;

The brain has corridors surpassing

Material place.

~Emily Dickinson, “Time and Eternity”

Shadows of reality .. When things go wrong

Yesterday was a strange day. I planned it all out and ended up with a trail of incomplete tasks. It began with a forgotten mug of  morning coffee and led to burnt toasts, cold soggy breakfast, broken glass, unfinished chores, teary eyes and a broken heart.I made a simple meal that seemed unfit for human consumption and quietly tucked myself away with the laptop in the darkest corner of the bedroom.  The worse awaited me there as I opened my mail.

Sometimes one is put in a situation where you are either dammed or hanged and there is no middle way and no escape route. I stared my the hazy screen and tried to clear the mist rising in front of my eyes blurring the words I was reading.

With a sigh I closed my eyes and thought about what relationships mean. Is there any place for trust, longing , compassion, understanding, faith, caring or are these words  hollow and empty.  crucified  by the scheming minds or turned into slaves by those who never seem to go beyond the apparent . What is love ? What is lust? Passion, longing ? Why is it that a man  or a woman  gives in to desires that are illicit and murders the basic feeling of mutual admiration and love-making illusory dream castles over the graves of  what could have been a solid foundation for an everlasting bond.

Why sometimes the heart escapes and we lose all control over it and the devious mind laughs at our misery making it even more difficult to pull the reins and bring back the wandering fool. we make different choices and end up in the same way. Caught in the crossfire of my own emotions began to bleed.

There was a time I believed . Believed in the romance , in friendship, in connectivity, in words both said and unsaid  but now  it is a bit difficult to digest. People change colors to shame a chameleon at least he does it as a defense mechanism, they manipulate, twist and turn the events to their requirement, don’t shed a single tear of remorse for their doings and continue with their lives parading as victims in the eyes of the world and the world sees the drama unfold with blinkers on and nodes in endless sympathy for the wrong-doer while those truly affected silently wipe their tears and walk a lonely road only to fade away with a hot flush.  I snap my fingers till they hurt but the star-dust is gone. The show over and the magic gone.

Reality check 1.

No one can be trusted not even your own self unless you have a full control over your heart and mind which is practically impossible.

Memories however insignificant now  create a deluge where you find yourself being sucked in and you struggle and fight and go ever deeper into the darkest areas of your life. Areas which haunt you and torment you which question you for creating them in the first place.

The past stands before you like a demon with a million tentacles ready to pounce at the slightest movement.

The darkness of those vacant spaces is scary and even more scary is the lurking presence of something, someone from the past.

Past which has continued to walk beside present tiptoeing silently unheard, unseen but ever-present.

Rain torn days add fuel to the raging fire. Strange as it may seem. Water as fuel for fire. As surreal as the life itself .

I stayed in the dark for long… uncertain of the light and now the light has blinded me . My fears come true as the smoke clears and I see the amber from the cigarette butts slowing eating away into the fabric of life. I had forgotten to stub them. Now all I have is Ash.

Burnt out … at least to some extent if not completely.  The warning bells rang loud, they seemed too obvious and went unnoticed or was it that I chose to close my ears to them. Blinded by Love .. not just that.. even deaf  and when two of the vital senses collapse the third one does overtime. .. words like wild river break the banks and flood.. only to destroy.

Somewhere between the lighter shade of black and darker shade of white  I was blinded.

“L’amour fou, the irresistible force that thrusts two people together and  impossibility of their ever becoming one!”- Luis Bunuel

Can’t place where I read this but it stayed in my mind etched forever.

We question, we doubt, and most of the time are uncertain of ourselves more than the other person  and before we get our bearing right we are done.

I was a dreamer who tried to write epics with fire in the air till yesterday when the dark engulfed me and the air wiped clean all that I had so lovingly composed.

Phone rings, conversations take place and in the end each one thinks what he /she had achieved .

Be careful what you wish for , careful of what you desire badly, careful of what you give up and what you get in return because when the world begins to crumble the fall is much deeper than you anticipate . What you think is the beginning might be the end and the end just a new beginning. Who knows what’s His game plan and we are just the pawns.

Now as I watch the fading shadows around me and reflect upon what went wrong I am clueless. Somethings are best left undiscovered because the more you stir a dying fire the greater are the chances of some spark turning into a flame and that could be the last thing I want at this moment.

Life has bared and untangled all the threads I hold dear and smacked my face with those I don’t. At least the hidden is revealed , naked truth of what we refer to as ever lasting relationship.