Mind Wanderings – JLT


Tear, they know not for whom and for what they flow. Warm cocktail of happiness and pain. Sometimes the eyes just can not hold them anymore. Sometimes all that is unsaid constricts the heart and then the volcano erupts ending a painful conflict within. For the time being. There are days when you long for human touch. that one hug from someone you love or maybe from someone who loves you. Reassurance of something deeper than just frivolous playful words. Love,  not pity, not sympathy, nothing, but the silent warmth of trust, care and togetherness.

It is strange feeling to love from a distance. Strange and heart wrenching at times and yet there it a sweet pleasure in it. Pleasure of knowing, believing  that someone thinks you are worth it and a smile travels through the tears. An instant flush warms you up and then  reality shows you the mirror. The illusion fades away. The pain returns with greater vengeance. We fear “fear” the most. Fear of things that have not yet happen and maybe they even won’t but we fear and in that fear anxious heart cries for comfort. Comfort of that illusion, that mirage we call love.

It feels good when one is made to feel special but sometimes one knows how teasingly obscure it is… unattainable. Thank God for dreams, they take the pain out of life. Even if for time being.  You say little but when you do even my heart stops to listen, my senses become aroused to every said and unsaid word. Yearning, longing, wanting more. My brain is working at frantic speed. My dreams have suddenly turned neon.

You want to pour it all but how do you convey your intimacy and sincerity of emotions via phone, test, email, chat? How do you fill it with the sensuousness of a hand written love note mildly fragrant with the perfume of your body.  You can’t. The emoticons are absurd they can’t ever convey the frenzied torrential desires and warm snuggles, the silent lingerings and quiet surrenderings. How can a piece of metal convey all this? And yet that is all we have. And the dreams. Dreams where you are more real than the real. Dreams where there are no distances, boundaries, commitments, rules, duties, ties or strings which pull from all sides and drag you into quicksand of social obligations.

Reality makes me ask questions, makes me fear , makes me uncertain.

It makes me  hold you and ask you, “What are you? Why do you make me want to be better? Why am I afraid of disappointing you? Why am I afraid of the way you look at me, the way your gaze, your voice , your words strips me naked? Why does my heart collapse at the thought that if you turned away from me , I won’t know what to do with myself. I will be invisible even to myself? ”

Some feelings can not be described, some things remain unexplained like the smell of rain slaking the parched earth.

We mix and match the twenty six alphabets all the time, trying to bring out the most from what we have but sometimes they shrug their shoulders and walk away and then there is pause. Pregnant with all that could have been said through eyes and lips and tongue and fingers. Pause pregnant with frustration of being so utterly helpless and tongue-tied due to loss of words. That is the time imaginations takes over and dreams suck you back into the warmth of womb.  Reality is known to have super powers. It has sharp invisible claws that dig through your flesh and penetrate the deepest layer of your being. Life doesn’t break it crushes.

There is a shadow figure that moves with me. It wraps itself around me and hurls me down the stairs . It weaves absurd circles around me like an invisible web. I feel a pull and hear the sighs and whispers of lost souls. I am electrically charged. There are sparks everywhere. Bright, colorful sparks . Upside down I fall and catch the glimpses of forbidden,sunken lost world. I hurl towards it drenched in Red.Illusions collided against reality and got shattered into pieces. Now there are more of them.

I wonder how I got so addicted to your unavailability. Standing at the periphery of your world I turned into a plant and took roots . Roots that went deeper and deeper with time and even began to grow from my body above the ground. Complicated mess of tangles just like life.  I braved the seasons hoping that one day you will give it all up and come to sit under my shade and then I will embrace you and take you into my fold and fill you with new-found life. The wait is longer than I believed. In fact in is unending.  I shed leaves this winter.  Hoping that a chance glance will make you aware of  the “You” in my naked body.

I wonder how you so seamlessly slid under my skin. How you slowly occupied my thoughts, actions, silences. Every sleeping and waking moment. How you became me and yet …. there is a something amiss, an emptiness.  Something you need to figure out and fill, because for all I that can do  for you , this is something you need to do. Till then I will find solace in your being and not being and wait.

Sometimes I wonder

what if

I was

unavailable

unpredictable

cynical

measured my words and my silences

what if  I was guarded

what if

I appeared and disappeared at will

what if

one day you don’t find me waiting across  the line which I can never cross

what if  I one day vanished in thin air

I am afraid to know the answer to this “what if” .

but you don’t need to fear my love

for I have taken roots just at the edge of desire

at the periphery of your circle of life

am perennial  – just  like love

I will wait for my spring

and till then

weave a private tapestry

with

a thread – you

and a thread – me

Distance and silence makes you realize what you took for granted.  Do they?

Rambling heart


Sometimes the heart is filled with mixed emotions. Just that.

Is it wrong to have a good trusting heart? Why is it that people try to smother you the moment they find you vulnerable or naive? Is not friendship/ love or for that matter any relationship about giving space?

Sometimes one has to let go even after knowing that the person means well. Relationships blossom only when there is a flow in them, like a river. When you try to lead someone’s life for him/her then it begins to wither. We all try to control the other person all the time but the moment someone does it to us we rebel.

Sometime the best thing to do is quietly let go and move on. You can’t force a flower to bloom. To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.

Yesterday all the young adults were at home. It warmed my heart to see how these kids have grown up to be such wonderful human beings. It wasn’t long ago when they trotted all over the house wearing diapers .  It’s amazing  how one of them has started earning, another  crossed his teens today and the little ones are not so little anymore.  We saw their baby pictures and read the small little notes and letters they had written . The beautiful drawings that those little artists made brought back so many memories.

Today is my firstborn’s twentieth birthday. Strange that when one beautiful relationship was blossoming another was crumbling like a house of cards. Sometimes I wonder what is this strange relationship I share with my boys. They are my sons, best friends, confidante and much more.  There is a much deeper bond that connects us where age is no bar. I think despite of  all the blows that life gave the journey was one hell of a crazy fun trip with both.  Trust me raising two brats is not for weak hearted. I have had my share of tears and laughter.  You can browse through all the  posts about my mind-blowing brats and me Here  

Talking of relationships reminds me of some very beautiful ones that I share with some very precious people in my life. Some are just memories as either the other person is no more or they have moved on to different cities and different arms but the warmth remains.

My father was a very special person. We shared a great friendship and I accepted him with all his follies. Who are we to judge but Yes, I raised my voice against what I felt was wrong.  We argued, discussed, laughed off something, got pissed off at others but the bond strengthened with each day. I sometime wonder what makes a relationship click ? Maybe it is the similarities or maybe it is the differences. I know that it is acceptance of both that makes some strong but then why do some of them crumble? We are forgiving in one relationship and so very unforgiving in another?

I guess it is question of how deep is the hurt. When the hurt penetrates deeper into the crevices of heart it is difficult to nurture a bond. The heartstrings lose the elasticity, they break .  All one can do is forgive and move on. We learn from past relationships, we learn all the time, every moment teaches us something one just needs to be aware. I have realized we can either make it  bitter or better.  I want to bring out the nectar from the poison.

I began this post yesterday but these days emotional posts get me down. Today is the festival of light. A time to look within and observe the inner light. To let go of all the hurt, pain and negativity. To Believe and embrace life as it unfolds.

Life enriches in more than one ways. I lost some of the most precious years yearning for love, compassion, dignity and most of all my inner child but today I feel I have come a full circle. I have learned to accept love in any form it comes. To keep my palms open. It is said that it is not standing still that makes the butterfly sit on your palm but the stillness of heart. I am sure I will be able to still my heart from today.

There are people who have warmed and nourished my life . Friends , some virtual other real, who have given me strength to shed the veils, to be myself, to love myself and stand alone again.

Sometimes the heart knows no reasons and goes all out to just Love. Relationships sometimes don’t have names. They just are. It is a feeling beyond words. One just feels blessed. I thank the universe for bringing this joy to me , for all the precious hearts who are connected to mine , for the light that guides me in the form of my mentor , for the immense love and care I receive from someone very special . Distances do not count, nor does someone’s being or not being physically, it is the energy flow that matters. It really does.

I learned one thing in recent years , it is Our heart that sings the unchained melody of love , it doesn’t posses , doesn’t smother .. just loves and sometimes there is a duet sometimes not but the song remains eternally beautiful. It is complex and yet simple. There is a longing and yet there is a free flow. I want it to be like that .. flowing. No one got anything from caging someone. It is in the spaces that love grows. We just need to open our heart petals. I am doing it and am sure the universe will respond.

This is my rambling heart , flowing as a river. Sometimes calm and serene and at others youthful like the mountain spring.

So here is to love, happiness, light and peace

Here is a beautiful song for all of you  and especially for someone who changed the course of my life by just being there unconditionally.