DWI Part 1: Roses and Thorns


Read the introduction here

After considering a lot I have decided to include the first part of Sonya’s Diary as snippets from memory lane.

One

Slumbering sun , cloud cover, silence of early dawn and I .  Waking up in a warm cozy bed in a house full of loving caring people , great food , laughter and total relaxation is what my aches for and here I am in my granny’s home in this beautiful city. The touch of black leather cover and crisp white pages is sensuous.  It will be difficult to kill  virginity of this diary with blue-black letters so I will use the color of blood -Red at least for now.

Red is also color of love they say but life is not just bed of roses , there are sharp thorns that draw blood at the very touch.

Why did he gift me a diary ? Who will read it anyway ? Is it safe to bare your deepest darkest secrets , desires ? Was there a glint of mischief in his eyes or do I become delirious the moment he walks in.

Anyway today is the first day of freedom. I guess mom and I shed our polluted skins and breathe free here. I know some rainy day I will open the gutter and spill the muck on the sidewalk only to make space for more but then it is better than it overflowing and rotting.

Today nothing of that , only celebration of yesterday’s fragrant little adventure. I am still warmed by that touch. Stolen kisses are sweetest but missed kisses uff they throb like hell. Christ ! heart flutters are all good but that ice-cube sliding down your spine is erotic.

Why do people confuse love with sex, passion, hunger, lust and desires or it just that it is too confusing to decipher ?

I don’t know but these moments of pure bliss are right here and never to return . I know we will part ways .Society sucks. Might as well become a tree in autumn. Leafless, bare.

Twenty years of age and still longing for a man’s company . My life is more mundane than any other. Curled up inside I go through it splitting into many fragments at each moment. so many identities so many me. Mom understands but rest of the family , they say that this is no place for dreamers.

One such dreamer is shifting under her skin somewhere . I wonder where she went . Haven’t seen her in ages. No contact. Inseparable school friends separated for life. I miss you T.

Time to leave the bed. You go undercover my secret sharer while I follow the aroma of an early breakfast . Being pampered is a bliss but I know someone is going to screw it all. Hawk eyed monsters ready to tear your flesh at the blink of an eye.

I will meet you everyday before the sun rises from sleep and spills the wine across the sky. Clumsy fool.

********

two

Sorry babes I was away from you for so long. you see I am not used to scribbling my scatterbrain thoughts each day.  it has been a wonderful stay till now. Outing , traditional food, fun and laughter, music and theater and most of all his company. The two-day break to L was all I needed. Tomorrow I will go back to home but before than I want to dwell on something here. Heart is like a butterfly delicate, vibrant , pulsating with life but wayward.

Let me tell you about me. I am going to be 21 and still no sure of what course my life will take. Am a traveler by heart who is stuck at one destination for the lack of courage and resources . A part of me wanders all the time and then gets kicked in the back by reality to curl up inside the insecure, foolish me. Damn.

First love came to me with social bondage. How I hate this double-faced society but then what is can not be altered. Not at this stage. So I go with the flow and leave behind one precious part of me to follow a path which I am sure isn’t meant for me. Why am I taking it ? Because I see no other way now.

He questioned me at night under the moonlit kadamb trees.

“Do you love this guy , this so-called boy friend of yours  Sonya ? ”

I guess so” I had replied.

Not really committing. Yes would mean I love N less which I don’t , Only if there were no social norms. Sigh!

He wasn’t giving up. “Are you wanting to marry him for any other reason than love? You have life ahead . You can still pursue a career  in French or do something else. He doesn’t seem to be your kind of person. Are you rebelling against something, family, suffocation at home or society ?”

I wanted to scream Yes I am . I am getting into this relationship to escape myself, this restlessness, home environment , You, damn it  but  I denied and kept a brave front and talked and talked about this man in my life. I wasn’t convinced myself what could I say to him. Why didn’t he stop me ?

And that’s here I am sitting tucked in the warmth of the blanket , eyes brimming with hot tears scribbling madly. Knowing I will read and read again and the thorns will draw more and more blood. That is why I hate diaries . I know now why he gave it to me . Sort yourself out Sonya  and if you can’t then God save you girl for I am weak hearted and can not give you anything more than those precious moments of ignited passion and unfulfilled desires.

You Fool . What have you done.

It’s  late and the sky is full of little asterisks shimmering softly.  My bags are packed , my home town holds keys to my dreams and nightmares. Let sleep heal. I am going through two opposite emotions of love and disappointment now. Hate ?  don’t think that’s a right word. I know the other heart is suffering more than me. To let go  for apparently no reason is tough. These memories will be food for life time of  hurt and pain .

********

…………..to be continued



Summer love 1:Fireflies and stardust


“even lust and envy sleep, but love denies rest to my soul and slumber to my eyes” ...Dryden

I opened my scarf set free the fireflies and sprinkled the star-dust around me. Memories of love interrupted began to sparkle in the dark of the moonless night. Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes.

Summer love .. the stolen moments of togetherness in secret places and the spirit rebellious struggling to break free. There is nothing more intoxicating than the first love. Irrespective of how old or how young one is, it sweeps you off your feet and surface in the form of a warm smile the moment you close your eyes years later and the tell-tale signs of stolen kisses, like crushed strawberry stains, emerge as a crimson hue on your cheeks.

Oh! what a delight is the memory of first love.

She was sixteen or seventeen and madly in love. His eyes shone so bright that they were almost black like that night when they met under the Kadamb tree.

Her gaze followed him where ever he went. She was sure he knew he was being watched and that gave her immense pleasure.

The house was full of relatives and stealing that perfect moment was becoming difficult. She knew that if she was given a wish she also had the power to make it true.

Her heart skipped a beat every time he brushed past her. A subtle, delicate, delicious feeling filled her from to hair. Sensuous, sultry heady rush. The sheer exhilaration of being alive. She spent the day in a state of euphoria. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach and she glowed and smiled feeling beautiful within, warmed by the love that radiated from his heart to hers.

The orange disk of the sun was slowly melting behind the lush green hills and a lurid shade of darkness was beginning to blot the serene twilight. Summer evenings are so romantic, she smiled to herself.

The birds were returning home and a somber uniformed hue of darkness was descending over the trees. The moon winded around the cliffs and traveled along its broken pathway, it’s light intercepted by the branches of the deep shady trees.

I closed my eyes and said to myself the lines from Richard Bach’s book, ” I am a sorceress and when I open my eyes I will see the world I have created and for which only I and only I am solely responsible.”

The dogs were barking in eager excitement. I peered into the darkness, my eyes scanning the entire length of trees and the compound. Then I heard him whistle. My heart was close to busting . A pleasing warmth started to travel from behind my ears to the entire length of my body. I held the mirror stand as my knees went weak. what was happening to me? we had been together since childhood and never such emotions had taken over me.

I calmed myself and strolled out of the room avoiding the chit-chat and glances of my mother and other relatives.
once out I raced out to the porch and looked around. Breathless with an unknown excitement.

I could see his silhouette along with the dogs moving towards the group of trees at the far end. He turned and waved at me. My heart skipped a beat. without loosing a moment I ran to meet him. I felt stupid and excited at the same time. I had no control over my actions and like a woman under  influence of some spirit I simply followed my heart.

We walked together in silence. The dogs happily jumping all around. They were ferocious big beasts tamed to perfection by him. The night was beautiful but the entire beauty of that magic was lost on me. I moved along with him aware of his warm breath and the closeness between us.

It was feeling which has remained with me till today. Unexplained, erotic yet romantic in all its innocence. Our fingers touched and moved away and that fraction of a second sent ripples all over me.

we had reached the far end of the path and past the bamboo groove. He turned to pull the leash of one of the grey hounds and froze for a second. What happened after that took me complete by surprise. A short subdued instruction silenced the dogs and slowly they all melted away into the thicket. Before I could open my mouth, he pulled me under the Kadamb tree away from the moonlight. His finger on my lips I looked into his deep large eyes surprised by all this action. His soft gaze held me captive and I allowed myself to melt away. Was my dream taking shape here ? The thought sent an electric impulse down my spine.

He motioned me to remain absolutely silent and still. We were just a few inched apart and my heartbeat was rapid, my cheeks flushed. Was he going to hold me and kiss me? The imagination took wings and my mind became a colorful kaleidoscope of what was could take place under the bejeweled summer sky. Fireflies danced in his eyes and mine.

We were aware of our unsaid feelings. The eyes said what the lips couldn’t. My throat was parched and I could not stand still. He stepped a little closer. I don’t know for how long we just stood there. Our hearts beating inches apart. Our bodies flushed. Our breath and dreams merging together. The sexual chemistry was electrifying yet we did not touch. Held in time by that perfect moment we stood Silent and still.

Why doesn’t he take me in his arms and do what he is supposed to do?, I was getting impatient.

As if reading my mind he smiled and his eyes shone mischievously. I blushed and tried to back away a little. His fingers slipped into mine and clasped them tightly. I buckled but caught myself in time.

” let’s go for a stroll “, he whispered.

The magical moment ended abruptly and I suddenly woke up to reality. The dogs heard his slow whistle and came bouncing from nowhere.

we came out of our lair and stepped on the gravel path leading to the hills. He was a mind reader. “Dad must have seen you racing like a woman possessed and followed you to some distance” he laughed.

I simply giggled at the thought like a silly teenager but from inside got horrified at the prospect of being found out.

Some moments in life are such sinful delights.

We walked the entire length of the moonlit path and back covered in star-dust. At the gate he told me to quietly enter the building while he went to put some of the dogs in their cages. I did not want this night to end but he planted a soft kiss on my eyelids and whispered ,” good night love, now rush or someone will come”. I smiled and faded away in the darkness of the corridor.

In my room, I folded my thoughts and placed them under my pillow. With a glowing heart I placed myself in the lap of comfort and let sleep take over from there.

Today as I write about it I watch the night sky and see a star shinning brilliantly outside my window.. the star that was once my love. I smile and blow a kiss and watch it twinkle mischievously.

We needed no words, no actions to express our love for each other. The eyes said it all.