Déjà vu – Dream Diary

I often revisit a dream or sometimes there is a continuation. It may happen immediately in next few days or even after months, years. The place or people may seem familiar from a past dream, giving a feeling of dream  Déjà vu. Let me tell that it is the people or places that I revisit but the dream is not reoccurring. None of the places are familiar in real life.

Here is the first dream that I had sometime last year. I did not log it so some part are forgotten but most of it is still very vivid.

I am in an old building, probably a ruinous house, with some people who seem to part of an organisation or group I am part of. The bare brick walls are plastered with half torn or full posters. I could see something written but could not decipher the language Red and black  are the  prominent colours. The two rooms on top floor where we are have minimal furniture Basically a wooden table laden with papers, books, pens, water bottles, a few glasses and some other miscellaneous things. A few simple wooden chairs an a bed roll in a corner. There is a small stool in a corner with a few bags. The place is dusty and neglected.

The single window in the room, where we are gathered, is small and the dirty glass panes are cracked. The place is very dimly lit and we seem to be very well adjusted to work in such conditions

The faces are tense. They aren’t familiar people from real life but in dream they seem like old friends Apart from the five – six of us the building is empty. It is away from the habitation and there isn’t much vegetation around. To me it seems like an  outskirts of an abandoned desert village.

There is a part of of dream which I have forgotten. Some conversations and other details. They are there as images but very obscure now.

There is firing going on outside so this place is a hideout. We are probably thinking of a strategy to escape.  It is unclear now.

Next image is of the staircase full of wounded or dead people. The firing is intense and I can see men in military combat uniforms. There are civilians too with rifles etc. From the broken areas of walls I can see fires all around.

I am dressed in regular black jeans and a black long sleeve shirt. No other details about others.

I ask a young man to accompany me down the stairs. He seems familiar, maybe my son but not in the dream. Both of us are carrying some sort of a bamboo pole stick with a metal head

I give a thumbs up to the others and we maneuver down the staircase with people crying out in agony.  Dead faces, half open eyes with life ebbing out of them stare at us as we go down the bloody steps littered with severed limbs and dead bodies. A child is crying but there is no sound. Her eyes possessed with an unknown fear. She is lying in the lap of a woman thrown at the base of the stairs. Her head split open.

I pick up the child, cover her in a cloth mask till neck and run out from the hole in the back of the wall. There are men pursuing us but no one shoots

We run through the dark but somehow the path is clearly visible. There is light that we can see but others can’t. And then out of the blue we are attacked. These look like men but they aren’t. They appear and vanish at will. So do we. The young man gives me a signal and I drop the child in a push cart standing by a tree. The cart vanishes. We are surrounded by trees that look like men. They close in on us. There are other people too (humans)  but they are unconcerned of the happenings around them as if they are in some other reality. We use the poles to protect ourselves but the tree mob and the men who had pursued us close in from all sides On a cue the young man with me spins the pole over his head and in that frantic spinning whirl of light I watch him dissolve There is no movement except for the shimmering dust that slowly drizzles to the ground where he had stood. The attackers turn to me. In one quick motion I slip out of my clothes and take position pointing the pole in their direction. It isn’t a wand but it roots them to the ground. I step back one step at a time.

Their eyes fixed on me

The darkness increase and I dissolve into it.

At this point my eyes opened and for a few minutes I could feel the sand, the dust, the blood , the darkness which was unlike anything. I tried to get up but could not. I must have lay there in that half awakened state for some time. I can’t tell how long but when I finally woke up my body ached and the soles of my feet were dirty. I could feel the sweat and sand on my body which actually wasn’t there.

I never had any similar dream again till day before yesterday. The building seemed very similar to the one in precious dream but not the location. The area was lit with yellow lights. I was walking along the back lane in some old part of the city though the lane was not narrow or winding. All the buildings looked the same as the one in the previous dream. Made of bare red brick  A high wall separated them from the back lane. The wall was whitewashed I was again with my elder son and we were walking along in a hurry Hundreds of people were sleeping on the road Where ever one looked one could see people covered with quilts lying on the road  and the pavement adjoining the wall. I don’t recollect what was on the other side. We walked carefully in the midst of dirty white quilts. The impact of the dream was so real that I could actually feel the warm breath of those sleeping men ) yes, they were all men), the concrete of the  lane, the softness of the white quilt covers on which sometimes I stepped. Only a few half concealed faces were visible. I could sense the rise and fall of the sleeping bodies. It was night and maybe winter but I do not recollect the feeling of cold. All sensory impressions that I felt were of others. We hardly talk till we reach the end of the lane where there is a quiet group of few men.They stand surrounding a wooden stretcher, or bench something flat and elevated on which a man is lying down. My son is a few steps ahead of me As I reach the place I look at the man lying down. He seems familiar. No one I know from physical  life right now.  The man was wearing a plain white cotton shirt  and black trousers. No shoes. He had nicely trimmed beard and mustache. Must be in his mid forties. On his left upper cheek was a gaping wound. Most probably cleaned up as there was no sign of any blood. A man, whom I take for a doctor, was applying some native medicine on the wound. He seemed as if someone had dragged him out from his sleep. No one spoke.  “WTF is he doing?”, I whisper to Adi who urges me to walk on but I can’t. I stare at the injured man. His eyes hold me captive. We look into each others eyes as if our stares are locked. I feel he is trying to convey a message. Adi gets restless and nudges me to move but the eyes of the man do not let go of the hold. There was a surge of emotions I felt in that moment from empathy to rage to warmth to sadness and also love. Adi pulls at my arm and practically drags me from the spot. The eyes plead me to stay but I allow myself to be pulled. As I move away the images begin to blur and we continue to walk , now in the dark.

Though it was just a crossing of a lane and this eye contact with this man, the dream was immensely intense. I still remember those eyes, every fold of the quilts I saw, the air i was breathing, the atmosphere. Strangely there is no focus on the other men , the doctor (let us call him that), even what Adi was wearing etc.

Two things that gave me the feeling of Deja vu were the buildings and the injured man.  It is strange when you feel the warmth of human bodies. I have always felt them in a positive way. No coldness in their presence. Even when they aren’t friendly.

In both the dreams the buildings reminded me of some place I had been before. Like in many past dreams, the area had a desert like feel. Though it was not so evident in this particular one.

Both the time there was a feeling of premonition about someone in need of help. Someone reaching out. There was someone in the previous dream too whom I do not recollect now. Strangely there were no other females in both the dreams. Except that little infant girl.

This time the dream left me with a feeling  of incompleteness and helplessness. A sort of parting that should not have been. A slight feeling of remorse too but I can not say the reason.

This was the first time  I did not want the dream to continue. I wanted to run away from it. Shirking the responsibility I guess. Something alien to me.

What does it symbolize I do not know but those eyes I am not able to forget. Though I do not see them, the thought keeps coming back. Should I have stayed?

“Beneath our waking mind there is another mind that broods and plots the coordinates of symbolic escape toward other experiences.Dreams are those rare things that last a few seconds while also never ending inside our heads. A  space opens to become a volume of the inexplicable and within that space, something not exactly real weaves around itself a palpable web of the truer-real.” A friend wrote few years ago. I miss his presence but I know he is safe and healthy doing what is best for him.





A Dream Comes Haunting Again

Normally I do not sleep post lunch but for some days nights have been stuffy and restless. Unable to sleep I toss and turn in the bed, dozing on and off into slumber and wake up with a start.

Something has been tugging me at heart since long and I am trying to find solutions. Since yesterday morning I had a vague feeling, a mixed emotion of fear and longing but I kept it to myself wondering if it was just another play of the devious mind or something deeper than that, a heartache.

Today was a quiet day and tired from the pre lunch activities and lack of sleep my body began to demand rest. Unusual, because this rarely happens and as my eyes began to feel heavy I excused myself to the bedroom.

Someone noticed that I was quieter than before and asked if I was missing my boys. I think I did reply but it’s not very clear now.

Sleep took over the moment I hit the pillow. An insatiable thirst woke me from a dream. An old dream recurred after a very long time and got overlapped with a new one.  The havelies have become an integral part of my dreams and surely have some significance and some relation with my past life.

I often wonder why I see and remember the details of even the minutest part of dream.  The colors, the clothes, the streets, everything is absolutely clear.

These are the dreams that stay with me.

Its evening when I enter the fort or haveli , the door is heavily carved and the corridor is  mostly dark except for the light filtering in from the jharokhas above and the mashals  ( torches) which threw dancing shadows on the cold stone walls.

I am searching for someone but don’t see him anywhere.

A heavily dressed woman is sitting on a carved bench of stone made along the left side of the corridor. There are two young women with her who get up and move aside the moment they see me. I kneel and pay my respect to her but she is anxious to find me there. A sort of resentment is visible on her face.  I hear whispers from the young attendants. She gives a cold stare and gestures me to follow her. WE move ten paces and go up an iron staircase. I follow her without question and on top of the stairs there is another beautifully carved heavy door .She opens it for me and I walk in without question. The door is shut behind me and then I realize that it is a cell. I notice how dark and cold everything is. I have been here before. I have spent an entire lifetime here, secluded from the world.

This dream was constant many years back and came as a flash and got overlapped with a new one. Even in my subconscious mind I recognized it . Something took control and transported me to another time.

I am in the fort/ haveli garden and there is some zamindar (landlord) or stately prince, someone powerful and authoritative. He orders his men to tie my hands and take me away.

The men have covered faces and only eyes are visible. One of them holds me firmly and almost drags me inside the same corridor but from the door on the other side. It’s much more lighted. His grip is strong and hurts. (I felt the pain on my right arm even after waking up) .

The other two subordinates are told to stay behind. I recognize the touch .It is familiar but I can’t place it.  We pass two small water bodies where two women are being given some ceremonial bath. Large mature women, nude and sort of sedated are being bathed by men in a pool of water laced with white flowers. Terrified of my fate I cringe and struggle to escape but am firmly and closely held by my escort. I can feel his breathing and body heat. That too is familiar. I have experienced it before.

Something tells me he won’t harm as I am hurriedly led from the scene.  We reach the same staircase and the shadows increase. He reveals himself and before I can express myself holds me close and rushes upstairs. In the process my anklets fall.

It is surprising how I can see the gold broad old-fashioned anklets shimmering in the light of the torches.

I struggle to get away and pick them before anyone comes. They will reveal my identity. I see a young maid and tell her to pass them to me but she is too aghast and petrified to pick them.  He keeps insisting on moving away. His arms wrapped strongly around me. I long for the anklets for some reason.  My life depends on not being recognized.

We hear the sounds from a distance. Fear grips me.

I opened my eyes slowly and scanned the room unable to place where I am. The dream left me listless and sad.

Last few days have been crazy enough to run me down but the beautiful moon in the sky today lifted my heart. Sometimes a voice, few words, a feeling of warmth floods the heart and makes up for all that is lost.

The dream needs to be interpreted along with the earlier ones. I am putting it in Dream Diary category.  Hope the beautiful night brings solace and calms my yearning .

The Dream Diary

“Dreams are illustrations… from the book your soul is writing about you.”
Marsha Norman

I am a dreamer. My mind is a canvas where my body, my mind and my soul paint vivid pictures with details which I normally not remember in waking state. The fact that I mostly remember all my dreams makes me wonder if I am actually awake or am I in a sleepy state all the time. I enjoy weaving my dreams into stories and I have seen that sometimes I have a same dream after years but starting from where I left.

I never bothered to analyze or interpret them because I thought it would kill the beauty of the dream but now I want to make a journal sort of thing. writing down some of the dreams for interpretation and maybe just to share with friends.

I feel that dreams are symbolic communication of mind body and soul. Each dream may be linked to some unfulfilled desire, some hope some past life connection or in my case sometimes intuitive also.

Are vision and dreams the same things ? I do not know ? what are waking dreams? Some thing one experiences in waking state like a trance like state. Has it something to do with super consciousness?
There are many things many questions which come to my mind. Dreams do not bother me but they grip me , they do not leave me. They remain buried deep down and many of them I can recall whenever I want.

Here I will share some visions and dreams that have reoccurred or left their impression on me. Just a few. Maybe I WILL MAKE A JOURNAL LATER AND GO DEEPER TO FIND OUT WHERE MY SOUL IS GUIDING ME.

The visions

The visions I am going to talk about are not just limited to the time when I am asleep I have seen them in waking state too. The only difference being that for that particular time I go in some sort of trance.
The two visions I normally see are about a bright white light. Twice I saw white sand , sparkling and shimmering under a very bright sunlight. Brilliant white everywhere. Nothing else just the white sand and the light. I do not feel or see anything else but I feel the glare in my eyes and open them rubbing as if I am seeing it in waking state and rubbing my eyes and closing them . The action gets reversed in sleep.

On the other occasion the sand was gone and was replaced by a white surface.

The difference between the light which I see while awake is that it is soothing calm light not harsh at all. I normally go into meditative state during that.

I also see a big black cobra many a times lurking or gazing at me. behind curtains, in the closets, under the bed. In dark places. Mostly at night when I step down from my bed I stop coz I sense it’s presence. many a times I see it so vividly that I think I have a snake in my home but it’s not there. It means no harm ever just an eye contact. Many a time it is a staring game and sometimes a hide n seek thing.

It used to happen very often some years back but now occasionally.

The Green Landscape and the Glass House

This dream was a constant companion with me for years but lately I don’t see it.

I am walking on a hillock which is covered with soft green grass. It is more of a rolling hill and I see no lowers trees or any other thing. I have a haversack on my back and I am walking towards a huge glass house in the saucer shape valley between two hills. The house for some reason has a big hall with sliding glass doors and no other rooms. It is rectangle in shape and there is a sound of music drifting from there. I see the lights and people. mostly my cousins from mother’s side and some unknown people too.

It is some sort of a family reunion I guess. As I walk towards the glass house I feel happy and eager but soon realize that I am walking for hours together but not reaching the place. It does not move away from me but I seem to walk endlessly. It becomes dark and I still see the lights, people, I hear the music and I quicken my steps but I never get any closer to it. My throat goes dry and with that parched feeling I WAKE UP.

This dream I had for years but since last two years I have not had this dream. The strange thing is that I remember the colors of clothing some of my cousins are wearing and the last song I hear is THE INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF “STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT”.

Now a recent one which really took me by surprise.

It seemed like a time travel dream and the detailing was so vivid that I felt actually being there. I even remember the designs on the buckets doors windows everything. the expressions and feelings of people involved were real.

I wondered about it for long time and even though I woke up once I still continued to dream when I went to sleep again.

I am walking on a dimly lit street in a rural Indian place. The road is dusty and there are a few people in clothes which are not of our modern times but normal rustic wear. I am unable to make out the location of the area from their attire. There is a big Haveli and I enter into the courtyard through a carved heavy wooden door. There are people who are busy with their routine morning work. I am dressed in denims and white shirt and carrying a backpack and a camera on my shoulder.

A young man comes out from inside the Haveli and drops the ropes that are slung on his shoulders. He is obviously amazed to see me. Our eyes meet and I turn back immediately, walking out of the door. He rushes out and follows me. Calling me desperately to stop and come back. I find a staircase and climb narrow high stairs which lead to a room with a dome like ceiling and colorful enamel painted walls like they have in Mughal architecture.

There is a big old fashioned ceiling fan and under that is a four poster bed. I find my cousin ( again from mom’s side) sitting there with a small girl. We never really liked each other as kids and I could see the same look in her eyes. She looked exactly the same when we were teenagers.

She obviously is not happy and is shocked to an extent that she gives out a scream and runs past me and the man who had followed me down the stairs. The child follows.

The scene closes here.

I find myself again in the courtyard and this time it is dusk. The same cousin and one more woman and lots of kids are bathing in a enclosed area in the courtyard where the water comes out from a spring. we can all see them clearly, wrapped in single white saris.The kids are naked.

I ignore them and walk inside the Haveli for the first time. I can smell horses and the details of the arched corridors and rooms are vivid. I walk through the empty corridors scanning the old building. Though there are people living in the Haveli I see not one sign of habitation there. Another man comes from somewhere and hugs me and welcomes me back. I thank him for writing to me and he says ” it is time now”. ( what ever that means)

I walk till the end and reach a beautiful door which I push open with a smile. It opens in the same room which had the four poster bed. I go in and close the door from inside and just as I turn I see the same man, obviously my lover, standing at the top of the stairs. The faces resemble no one. He has long shoulder length hair , and has good physique. must be around 5’11 and has a deep set of eyes.

He tries to come closer but I don’t let him and tell him that he now has a wife and daughter so nothing remains between us. He does not seem to understand . Strangely we speak in English, no one else does.

I struggle myself free from his arms and run down the stairs. My cousin is on the road with the man who had hugged me and complaining about why I had to return and am I really real and why am I there. she seems to be very disturbed.

The man tells her not to worry coz no one knows that she is not married and the child is not hers. ( can not understand this)

I see a small boy and hand him a piece of paper for the man upstairs. Then I walk the same way I came from in to the darkness. I reach a modern home with all the new age amenities and settle down. It is my home. The place has nothing to do with the place I am coming from. This looks like time travel to me. The journey starts and ends in darkness and through out the light is dim.

The man gets the note calls me from a mobile ( strange again) fixes time and in the dead of night come to my home as if pulled by some unseen force.

I hear the code knock. It is the same one we always used in past. I open the door and hug. He asks why I did not agree to stay back there with him ? why I denied him?

My answer is simple . I had traveled back to get him. The time had come.

Now I do not know what it all means for one thing is obvious. For those living in that rural backdrop I am a person long dead and gone. This is my interpretation.

I loved the details and I marveled at the fact that I was able to remember it so vividly. I want this to be interpreted. I saw all the two visions and this dream three days in continuation.

Hope I will find an answer to whats happening with me. I analyzed the situations, my readings in past few days and the happenings to see if something matches but nothing in particular.

I am having a very strong intuitive feeling but am unable to understand it. many a times I observe long periods of silence for no reason. I had been unwell for some time and observed that I was very emotionally charged since last ten days or so.

Many small incoherent dreams have made it difficult for me to sleep and there is a constant calling ..a thought that someone somewhere is trying to connect with me..

Who??? I do not know.