Destiny’s Child – ‘I’ Reviewed – an introspective review of one’s own life

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“My life closed twice before its close;

It yet remains to see

If Immortality unveil

A third event to me,”

– Emily Dickenson

When I read these lines by Emily Dickenson, they strengthen my belief in tenacity of life and the miracles of the universe. When a life about to start is threatened by some unknown force, the cosmic energies intervene. So it happened on that beautiful autumn day in Kumaun (Himalayas) where I lay quietly breathing in my mother’s womb; the life ebbing away from me. Confused, scared but determined not to give up. It was a case of Placenta Previa. Death smiled at the door but they say destiny is simply the strength of your desires.

I desired strongly to live, to flourish, to explore and blossom.

Death would have to wait for me but it got impatient and struck again in the form of Encephalitis when I was four years old. I fought against all odds to be alive and make my presence felt in this world.

I am glad to have survived the battle of life.

A life was supposed to flourish. As my parents always said, maybe I was given this gift of life to fulfill a special purpose on this earth.

When I look back at these incidents from the treasure-house of my acquired memory, they seem highly valuable. Hitting a low spot so early in life has made me stronger and taught me that life is meant to be a magnificent adventure – to be lived joyfully, peacefully and in good health.

A major part of my life went in deception, in feeding the Ego with social appreciation and attention. I was always  reflection of what others (society) wanted me to be. I was becoming an efficient part in the mechanism of the society. Fitting into the pattern but moving away from self-knowledge, that self-knowledge which is the true introspection. Self pity and feelings of being victimized is how I looked at my life. I clung to my Ego.

Helen Keller once said – “When one door closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed-door, that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

How true! I realized that I was only dwelling on the negative aspects and not even moving ahead. Like quick sand, they were pulling me deeper and deeper and as I analyzed I found there was a strength within me that had the answers. I discovered the power of belief and faith. Belief in oneself and faith in the inner feeling. I am now convinced that, living life fully, celebrating life and miracles is living from an inner guidance.

I began to ‘look within’ with a different outlook. I stopped feeding the ego. I realized that the soul and not the mind was the center. That helped me blossom. I relentlessly asked myself –

Am I justifying my place on this beautiful planet? What is my purpose in life and am I fulfilling it? Where is the life leading me? Is it the right path I have chosen or let’s say have I given any direction to my life as yet or is it simply flowing without any aim?

Introspection to me is not about my life as ‘I’ in the society but as a human being who is part of the bigger scheme of things. I think I learned a lot from nature. Nature does not claim. All things in nature grow beautifully in silence. When Ego dropped, I felt the same silence. The illusions vanished. I am still in the learning process.

Learning to shed what is not needed for my growth. Learning to break away, from bonds that tie me in the shackles of expectations, hope, pain, guilt, love, desire, anger, envy, rage, jealousy and much more. Real introspection hurts. The devious mind pulls and persuades me to go flow with the world we have created to satisfy our ‘self’. The tussle intensifies within but this time I am ready not to give in.

Introspection is not just realization of what has gone by but to me, it is a learning process to what I can hold on to and surge ahead. I try to set free the things and events that hold me captive but in vain. The mind overpowers and even though there is realization, I am unable to act, giving in to the viciousness of my mind. Taming the mind is an exceptionally tough task. It is our mind, the devious little thing, not the heart, mind you, that dictates and lures us into the realms unknown .Coaxing us to take some action which many a times our heart resents.

Why is it that even after knowing how to discern, I give importance to things, events, people who mean so little in the journey called life? I realize how the Ego can lurk around ready to strike.

I am lonely when I want to be alone. I get scared, scared of being lonely.

It is mainly because we can not live with our own self. If we do not have any living person or thing to hold on to, we hold on to the memories .We need crutches, each one of us, including me.

It is an obstacle in my path of self-realization.

I let emotions rule, even now. Even after some years of self-control, I still give in to circumstances which should not affect me.
What force pulls me?
Is it greater than the one I wish to pursue or is it that I am not yet ready?

I feel I am creating stop over’s. Places from where I can return if I get scared or feel lost. The absolute faith in the divine and unknown is still lacking but I have found a direction, a path which will make me a better human being. The journey has begun. I have shed the past. We make the events negative or positive according to what we are taught. I now see each event as a learning experience and try to draw some positiveness from it to hold on and move on.

During the introspection I realized that though my body remains still, I am not calm from within and the stillness is missing from inside.

Meditation and silence helped me to look within and connect with my inner true self.

I am building faith within, trusting my inner self more often. Knowing that it guides me in the right direction, though it may not be the one taken by all .To walk alone and walk with conviction is right as far as I am concerned.

There are two things I am focusing on – one is the spirit of enquiry which is essential for spiritual, mental growth and the other is consideration towards fellow human beings without being judgmental. I have seen that being considerate helps one to understand oneself better. My problems, concerns, worries seem less important the moment I look objectively at people around me.

Questioning has made me realize my self-worth. I have managed to shed pseudo social rituals, customs, dogmas etc. I have learned to raise my voice against gender bias, discrimination and rise above all that which is imposed upon us for centuries.It has helped me mature over a time. I have learned  the secret to unfold my brilliant , resilient petals and bloom.

I feel that life is all about questioning oneself and all that surrounds us, and not just being content and resigning to what we have.

Some questions remain unanswered but the desire to (un)cling, to let go, to set free, to move forward by taking an inner journey continues…

Till then the relentless pursuit is on.

* * *

A Love Letter : Moulsari Blossoms

Team This post has been published by me as a team member of Indiana Legends for the SUPER 6 round of Bloggers Premier League (BPL) – The first ever unique, elite team blogging event of blog world. To catch the BPL action and also be part of future editions and other contests, visit and register at Cafe GingerChai

Dear Sir,

Standing under this beautiful flowering Maulsari tree, I’m transported back in time to the poet’s corner in school. Sitting on a carpet of star like fragrant Maulsari tree a fifteen year old student listening to the teacher’s deep husky voice in rapt attention… Mesmerized, I felt alive.

My heart is filled with fond memories of the poetry/drama sessions, the steamy hot chocolate that you sent for us when we burnt the midnight oil before the exams, a teenager’s first crush on a teacher who taught English literature with such passion that it made her slide under the skin of the characters.

A surreal experience…

I remember that evening in summer when sitting with my back against the tree I had begun to recite along with you quite carried away with the poem and your voice. The class stared wide-eyed as you quietly sat in the corner amused by my sudden performance.

It was only after I finished that I understood what had happened. For days the incident made me feel embarrassed and I could not look into your eyes. It changed things overnight for me and perhaps for you. Feeling responsible and guilty in some way about your sudden decision to leave the school I escaped to a secret hideout on the day of your farewell, unable to understand whether my love was for you as a man, a poetry teacher or for the language.

Now after twenty five years I can see myself with much more clarity. Yes I was in love I wouldn’t deny it. I wanted your appreciation, affection and care which were missing in my life. I could feel the unsaid warmth and knew that you understood my desire for love and peace. My gaze followed you everywhere you went and I soaked in each word you wrote or said. I was sure you knew you were being watched and that filled me with immense pleasure.

Some moments in life are such sinful delights.

Sir, you planted the seed of love for the language I was beginning to discover and showed me the different shades of love. I still have the book of verses you left on my bunk bed before leaving the school. Three words beautifully inscribed on the inner cover

For T
– K

I drew hearts around it and read it like the bible. This one small gesture from you opened a whole new world for me and added a new dimension to my life. You veiled your heart from me and never crossed the student teacher line. I realized that day that the bond of love that held us together was poetry. We didn’t meet that day so actually never parted but your absence created a huge void somewhere deep inside.

I would sit in the poet’s corner, eyes closed, and try to recite in slow whispers – Keats, Shelly, Byron just the way you did. The lovely cream flowers would slowly glide down with the breeze and kiss my face. Their faint fragrance still fills my senses. It was a sight that has remained etched in my memory forever.

There is nothing more intoxicating than the first love. Isn’t it?

Slowly I began to empty the spaces overflowing filled with your memories – liquid hurt stings.

Soon I left for England where I am based now but a part of me remained in those corridors filled with girly laughter and knowing glances, among the shady trees and soaring mountain peaks.

Sir, do you remember the little poems that I left on your table? I waited endlessly for your response which never came. I spent that one year under a spell, charmed by your very presence. Sometimes even small associations transform into life long love and admiration for each other. In those 365 days I evolved as a student, as a woman and as a human being.

All along my journey from a dreamy teenager to a known writer, you remained in my thoughts as an undercurrent. The phantom who haunted and inspired each word, who controlled the dancing fingers on my keyboard.

You not only gave me roots and wings to fly to seek my own horizons but also helped me emerge as a butterfly from within my dark cocoon. You helped me find my direction and become a better human being. It was your encouragement led me to weave the most beautiful yarns of life through my words.

The journey back to school was a pilgrimage. I wanted to visit the place which had laid the foundation for who I am today. Today after almost 25 long years I went through the corridors of my school, revisiting the glorious mornings and fragrant sunsets and a sudden urge to meet you rose inside me like a burning desire. Finding your address from the old watchmen was nothing short of a miracle, a wish come true. It is strange how some places draw a person back into their fold. I hadn’t expected to find you living here.

Sir, your absence from home is in a way a blessing in disguise, for I wouldn’t have been able to express myself as freely as I’m doing in my letter to you.

Love that began as a spark in a young girl slowly matured into revered adulation and respect.

I am leaving my first book of verses “Maulsari blossoms” which I have dedicated to a teacher who showed me the path and helped me find myself- YOU. I have kept inside it some dried flowers gathered during our poetry sessions. The fragrance still lingers ——

Just when I seemed about to learn!
Where is the thread now? Off again!
The old trick! Only I discern—
Infinite passion, and the pain
Of finite hearts that yearn.


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