You And Me – Pause


Suddenly, I don’t know what to say. I do know what I want to say but when the moment comes to speak, I can’t say it or even write it. And yet…

It is that time of the year again when the memory of the days and nights when I knew who I was often come back to me floating through the night. Sometimes I want to touch you, just a bit. A bit of your skin on my fingertip, a bit of your warmth against mine. Sometimes I want to hear your voice. Not much, maybe a word or two just to assure myself that you are real and that it wasn’t a dream when like a tree in bloom I had released my blossoms on you all at once knowing that it would be a long time before the next blossoming. Maybe never. Then suddenly everything fades and I don’t know what to say or do and this overwhelming quiet that cocoons me becomes a constant reminder of my sudden isolation, Was it really sudden or is it that I had always felt the undercurrents but ignored them. Imagined that they never existed. Denied their presence. Denied her presence even though it was always there. Like a shadow. Your shadow. You said you loved me but the way you spoke of her always told me otherwise. Under all the disdain, regret, sorrow I felt a sense of pride with which you took her name.

Maybe I need  this silence to pull myself out of the wreckage of my own dreams. There is an old knot in my heart that I need to untie. I don’t want to hurt loudly now. I don’t want all that I feel to find its way to you. I want to become invisible as much as you want me gone. What you give comes back to you . I gave myself.

Sometimes it is difficult to make out if  it is loss of feeling or a feeling of loss. Sometimes it is best not to stir the embers of a dying fire lest some sparks turn to flames and consume you.

Some things are better not found.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss. For a long time the question lingered on my lips and then on a fateful day I asked, ” Whom do you see when you close your eyes?” “No one.” You replied. “Who was I supposed to see?’

“The person you love most.” I said.  Your silence, your  hesitation unraveled everything like a loose thread in a knitted sweater. A thread I should not have pulled.

If one is unaware of something it is best that it stays that way till one is capable of dealing with the deluge of hurt and pain it brings. There is a reason why we don’t know it all. The knowledge that one cannot do a thing to alter, change or rectify it can suck the meaning out of life and leave one dejected and defeated. Suddenly I feel exposed to things I wish I had never known. They have emptied my life of joy. Of love. Of trust. Once more leaving me fragile, vulnerable and alone.

I have decided to stay in the peace of my new-found quietness. Someday maybe I will find myself. Someday maybe you will remember all that was good between us and then look for me. Perhaps it will be the day when you will find yourself. I hope you do because I want to be found and I want you to find me with the credence I long for, the credence that has faded with time. Till then I will weave myself warmly in a cocoon and wait for the unfolding which will come from you.

 

You and I – Unrequited Love


Days and nights have suddenly turned cold in the middle of summer. Cold and Hard like last year’s loaf of bread. I slice them with blunt knives and chew on them without appetite.  Indifferent messages do little to bridge the aching distance or break the deafening  silence that has occupied every fiber of life nor does an occasional assemble of  affectionate words give any comfort. Even though the heart longs, it knows it will never get more than that.

I wonder if this pitiless indifference is subterfuge for hiding the torments of love or it is  the opposite of love. Love has denied rest to my soul and slumber to my eyes. I have begun to dread the approaching night. It deepens the loneliness and hurt as I stare into the vast emptiness of the dark sky. A lonesome moon sometimes glides past the window and lying on my bed, fatigued by days of sleeplessness, I watch it disappear from sight.

Words that I wrote for you float like pipe dreams, adding fuel to the slow fire consuming me from within. It is funny how presence makes itself felt more poignant through absence. Stray memories come to haunt , it is amazing how darkness brings things to life, gives them a form, a voice.

I lie as still as possible , least I disturb your silence and it moves away just as you have. I don’t even dare to breathe.

Mind is a fucking manipulating control freak and in those moments of vulnerability , it leaves no chance to whiplash.

There is no feeling worse than knowing you weren’t worthy of truth, of love, of sharing, of  togetherness, of complete oneness, not even an incomplete one. Unrequited love curls itself in some secret crevice , wounded and bleeding. It doesn’t die.

There is always a part of me that hopes for more, and so there is a part of me that is always a fool. Love does that.

Am facing a silence so cold, so sharp you could cut yourself on it.  There is nothing so hurtful, nothing so bare and forlorn as the silence that falls like swords on two people who no longer know what to say to one another, and it is the kind of silence that tells you that you are no longer of any importance to that person, who really is no longer even there; it is a silence that renders you invisible.

It has rendered me invisible. Some days ago I wrote , sometimes one knows one’s place – outside the periphery.. The words come out so powerfully now. It is all good to talk of giving space etc, of trust and understanding and being comfortable even in silence of a loved one but this is not that silence.. this is a silence that cripples.

It’s a marvel that even with such agony the longing doesn’t diminish , it continues to feed on the loneliness and gain strength. It grows stronger , so does love- even the unrequited one, for it has its own rainbows.

“Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”-Sarah Cross

but the other part holds true too. We are creatures of desire and desire needs to be respected.

Love needs to be fed. Nurtured. Nourished. It needs to be deeply felt.

It needs to be reciprocated.  Replenished.

It needs to be expressed. In actions as well as words

Especially when words are the only medium.

Unrequited love is an orphan of silence.

Abandoned to fend for itself  during the endless days and never-ending nights.

Read all YOU AND ME  posts here 

Silences :Poem


swaying in the breeze a swing

a bicycle leaning against the lamp-post

cigarette stubs  in the ash tray

worn out boots and an old man’s hat

Coat stuffed in the closet

with a poem folded in the pocket

Spectacles on the writing-table

dust under the bed

the kitten curled up in a corner

remains of a  favorite coffee mug

the pipe now not in use

chessmen waiting

the first streak of light

that slides from under the door

and crawls to my feet

the fixed stare that  follows me

from your  portrait

slumbering spiders in the book shelf

snowfall

A dull ache that seems to live

with emptiness

in my old bones

the swirling darwish dance of shadows

the cemetery at dusk

the neighbor’s tree that keeps watch

the bitter tears shed on your grave

for words left unsaid

and deeds left undone

and lastly

these long hours of waiting

First prize in contest  for the love of poetry.

Reflections on a Hot Summer Day


All through the day the merciless sun spat fire and the intense unbearable heat devoured everything that lay under the burning summer sky. A sky that was barren except for some patches of gloomy clouds drifting aimlessly.

I watched the dull vacant scene outside my window. Nothing stirred. Not a single leaf. A crow sat on the drooping poplar branch singing his own song ..maybe lamenting about the weather.

A few pigeons sat in the shade of the trees where an earthen pot lay empty. Thirst had brought them down to the hot ground but the water had dried up long back. A few remains of early morning’s feast lay scattered around the pot

The glare was too much to bear and the harsh rays of sun stream in through the window. I could have drawn the curtains but somehow it felt better to be part of the world outside than to face the deluge inside.

The heat helped me dry the ocean in my eyes. Why do we feel such intense pain when all the love’s labor is lost. A sharp cutting pain right across the breast reaching into the depths of heart and soul. It all seems meaningless- love, trust, care, friendship .. everything suddenly looses all meaning. My mind is numb .. My feet burn as I walk bare feet on the sands of yesteryears. Memories, like shrapnels pierce my soles. I walk away.. distancing myself from everything including me.

Where did I go wrong …???? Why things did not work as they should have .. ??? I gave my best to you. Held back nothing .You emptied me of all that I was about . Everything. I kept refilling myself of endless unconditional love and you kept digging deeper and deeper for more and more.

For endless days I waited in anticipation of even the slightest drizzle of love. A reciprocation, a gesture but …. the void grew wider and deeper. I longed for that one drop of rain .. my soul parched and cracked .. All in vain ..

Silence.. deafening silence … nothing else..

I tried desperately to reach out.. my arms outstretched .. reaching out for you to hold and pull me out of this abyss ..I cry, shout scream to no one there .. My voice echoes in the emptiness and dies an untimely death.

I close my eyes to shut myself away from the light a slight wave of ache passes through my body. I get up close the windows and draw the curtains. The play is over. The audience – the crow- makes a shrill sound and flies away.

The room is dark .. I like darkness. I close the door and block all light. Switching on the AC I take refuge in the virtual world of unseen friends, unknown faces.

Time goes by and I open my eyes with a start. my head half way on the wet pillow, laptop blinking like crazy on one side and mobile silent as the dead. It has been like this since you stopped communicating.

It is evening now. The trees are silently watching the burnt evening summer sky, the cacophony of birds, cicadas and humans fill the hot humid air, everyone and everything preparing for yet another long night.

I am waiting in anticipation ..as always. Hope is constant so is waiting..

Remembrance : A Poem


 

Silently I watch my sunset dreams
dissolve in the serene, endless evening sky
The colors fade slowly
turning from shades of crimson
to melancholy Grey and finally black

The speechless valleys
fill with shadows of memories
Bare leafless trees add to the
stillness of my heart

I walk a lonely path
in a never ending wilderness

My spirit numb from the pain
and the hurt of frozen love

unkempt promises, shattered hopes
pierce my soul like fragments of
broken glass

my eyes fill with the
mist of your love
as I feel the sting
of your absence

moments slip without a trace
on an endless stretch
I, caged, bruised and lonely
walk upon the crushed hopes
beneath the skies of memories

Hoping against hope
that some day the sky once again
will be lit with a million splendid stars
And you my wandering moon will
light up my life again

(Image courtesy google)

This is my last NaBloPoMo post for the month of may.