You And Me – How Can You Forget


What We Were To Each Other?

never mind. it is a rhetorical question anyway.

Rant alert. Rambling thoughts.

We had different needs, our lives were too separate. Too far away. And you kept stretching the distance like cheese from the pizza.

We were pretty much on the opposite side of everything but we met, love happened, or so I thought. So many things feel like love and we are so often and so easily fooled. I just wanted a shelter, a sustenance, while you were looking for haute cuisine and a pleasant home. ASnd then one day you fell out of whatever it was you felt, dusted off, got up and walked away. we meant different things to each other. our needs were different.

I lost myself in words and images I conjured in my mind, forever torn between the lover as you were and the lover I had created in my head and in that process somewhere I lost you. I noticed the slow decline from being everything to being no one. Saw every single act of dismissal but I stayed. I wanted to. Just as i wanted to believe everything you said.

It is what it is. You, my dear, are too much to forget.

I will turn fifty in a few years. More than half my life is over. I want to  travel before my stressed out body gives away. I want to go back to places I imagined us going to. I want your memory. I want to take you there with me. Carry you in my heart. I also want to stop being a sad, sorry fuck that I am and be what I would have been if we were together.

A time to shed what’s not me. Time to move on, move away from people who pretend to care and understand but actually wish me dead. Tough luck. I wasn’t born to be ruled by others. If some people did, it is because I allowed or because I was caught in the web of circumstances beyond my control.

While I am ranting, let me also say that natal homes are most often not the safe sanctuary one thinks they are. This thought is pressing hard on my jugular.

Gratitude too is a form of love. I am grateful for your presence , imaginary or otherwise. Grateful for love, for being the wind beneath my wings. Somewhere you changed direction and I plunged into nothingness, picked myself again and now I am drifting aimlessly. My wings are tired and I can not even fold them and rest for a while.

I rant too much. Blame it on the Hormones. Times are a changing and your memory, it comes at most impossible times. Peri-menopause does that. It screws up your mind and body. I was sure I was going crazy, unable to decipher what was causing the hot flushes, night sweats, sleeplessness, mood swings, anxiety attacks, meltdowns, palpitations and not to forget the intense desire to strip off all my clothes at any given time… Was it the aftermath of losing you or were the hormones going wacko. Jeez, it is hard to go through a heartbreak when you are dealing with midlife crisis. Cold showers, by the way, came handy in both cases but it is still too much to deal.

I would reach for anything within reach that would comfort me. Alcohol, comfort food esp sweets, books, cigarettes.. anything that would cocoon me and keep me safe from the world that had suddenly become so unbearable. But now, I am going to get my sexy mojo back by turning menopause into menopower and I will make the memories of love to make me strong. Love that I felt for you. I am going to fill that You-shaped hole in me with something good and I will wait.

My love for you was wild and reckless, strong and rebellious, painful and desperate, untamed and hungry, It was needy. I was needy. I was hungry. and for me even the less was more. You were needy too but our needs were different as i said earlier. You fed me love with your fingers and then one day you left, and now I know what it is to starve. But you know what, love stays longer, endures more. Lust doesn’t. It doesn’t give anything except a momentary high.

“Loving you was like going to war. I never came back the same.” ~ warsan shire

but I will take those wounds any day.

Seeing you in the flesh, touching you, kissing your mouth, letting you kiss my mouth, surrendering to love, to lust, to the moment that brought us together was the bravest thing I ever attempted and the weakest I ever felt and now my body is like a haunted house that is never owned. A house that is sometimes lived in but mostly abandoned. It is an archive of fingerprints and scars that throb. It is filled with a lingering odour of love, sex and spices.

I am walking through a fog but I trust my instincts and I will make it through the frenzy of emotional whirlpools I am facing now.

If you think this post is not going anywhere, it is true. It is a floe, forever drifting like me.

My boy thinks I need to “chill”, that old age crept on me long ago and I am living in denial. My foot. what does he know.

So I will put a frozen teabag in my vagina (before you get ideas, it is for medical purposes. Sorry to disappoint.), have a hot mug of coffee or  go indulge in the finest wine or anything I fancy from a brain hemorrhage shot to a manga, get a short spunky hair cut that doesn’t need too much looking after.. (going bald is still a recurring thought), eat healthy while keeping my cravings satisfied, change the wardrobe (bring in some colour), and most importantly NOT GIVE A FUCK. Till now I was only writing and not believing but I guess it is time to change that.

Hormones can rage, your ever-present missingness can run havoc, financial trickling can continue, and people can snoop and stalk my blog for whatever they are looking for(you know who you are and I know it too) because I am going to live my life as I want. I am done with naysayers and f*tards that drained me of belief in myself. Go find your entertainment elsewhere.

Of course i miss you and I love you. Trust me, you do not want to feel what I feel. It is not easy task to go from halo to a broomstick in a jiffy. Don’t even try. Just understand.

this will keep me on a roller coaster

But

I will rock the change. I will flow.

And

I hope one day

you will find yourself and in turn find me.

If only
one fingertip
of a touch
could make
you real.
If Only ….

till then….

I will just come here and vent.

Better out than in.

Good things are happening in my writing world . Will share soon. 🙂

You And Me – Hush


I lost you over time.

We had so much to say

but nothing was said.

Mail stopped coming,

online chats gradually ceased.

Phone conversations

became impersonal words,

filling in between silences

that we struggled to break.

Your laughter became forced,

you were always elsewhere,

even when with me.

Memories of our meeting

began to fade, until you

were like a vanishing mirage.

You tossed what we shared

into the waves as you crossed

the ocean between us.

It was simple.

A brief encounter became

an imaginary sojourn.

I didn’t know any better,

I was in love with a lover

I had imagined.

Now, you’re only a faded painting

on solitary afternoons,

a monochrome photograph

during my solitary nights.

—————————–

 

Three poems – A tale of love


You brought me dreams,
You brought me nightmares,
Thank you for being my muse,
it helped me bleed out
all that wasn’t me. But now,
“I am my own muse
I am the subject I know
best, the subject I want to better.”

(#FridaLove)

*~*

Days that are as uncertain
as you, and nights, that
don’t set me free, each
haunted by the other, my
life, nothing but a
monochrome shadow, caught
in between, such is the summer
of your absence.

 *~~*

Every tale of love,
imaginary or otherwise
is a continuous parting of ways,
a floe, forever drifting between
what was and what could have been.

Things simply are a matter of ‘is’, ‘is not’ and ‘won’t be.

*~~~*

Sometimes you need to draw blood to keep yourself whole. Unlike many who wait in the wings, you won’t have a next stage appearance. I made it sure by giving you a funeral and not a burial.The situation was getting harder to deny.I did not want you to get larger than life and stomp off leaving me to pick up the trash. I set fire to love today. I needed to balance the “kill to care ratio”. The story needed to move to a closure.

#YouAndMe

Evanesence – Six Short Poems


Your scent,

gentle and sensuous,

warms itself

on my skin,

curling against me

like a cat,

dissolving all the barriers

between us.

*******

The scent will slowly fade

like the last notes of your favorite song,

ebbing into silence,

haunting me like a

ghost of absence.

  *****

we are bound

by the sorrowof the unspoken

and the silence of the spoken words,

our hearts, are made of different stones.

     ******

Have you walked through empty corridors?

there is an intimacy there, like love,

it fills you. echoes of another time,

a fusion of light and dark,

an interplay of shadows.

Hidden under the gloom, vast and intricate,

is a phantasm, shrouded in mystery,

forever reinventing.

   ^^^^^

summer rain,

my body a Smörgåsbord,

a phantasmal explosion

of a rainbow awry, knutschflecks,

the color of orgasms,

someone said I smell of love,

I must be smelling of longing,

of waiting & hoping,

I must be smelling of you

*********

hunger rises from the skin

like an ache, your touch,

like a flint, sparks the flames,

you, the arsonist,

me, the phoenix,

the amber smell of longing

fills the night,

threadbare, our shadows

rock trance like

on the moonlit walls.

*********************

You and Me – You Said


You said I was haunted, that my body was filled with shadows. You said I did not belong with you, that I was rebellious, difficult, unmanageable like my tresses.

You said I couldn’t be trusted, that I held words captive, that they became portals at my touch, possessed, like dark seeds planted in disturbed and twisted soil.

You said that I hovered between sleeping and waking, and in that limbo I was spinning webs, writing verses, stories, the words casting spells disguised as literature.

You knew fear. You feared the skeletons that rattled in your heart, the ones you could not escape, the echoes of memories that have haunted you across the years.

 

You said I disturbed the secrets long hidden inside you, those things you want so much to forget, the private darkness that erupts within you when you least expect it.

The fact that you abandoned me I was hurt, but injuries can heal; far worse than this you called me a witch, a Lorelei, a temptress 

and with those words

you stole my hope.

First Published in Life and Legends

You And Me – Pause


Suddenly, I don’t know what to say. I do know what I want to say but when the moment comes to speak, I can’t say it or even write it. And yet…

It is that time of the year again when the memory of the days and nights when I knew who I was often come back to me floating through the night. Sometimes I want to touch you, just a bit. A bit of your skin on my fingertip, a bit of your warmth against mine. Sometimes I want to hear your voice. Not much, maybe a word or two just to assure myself that you are real and that it wasn’t a dream when like a tree in bloom I had released my blossoms on you all at once knowing that it would be a long time before the next blossoming. Maybe never. Then suddenly everything fades and I don’t know what to say or do and this overwhelming quiet that cocoons me becomes a constant reminder of my sudden isolation, Was it really sudden or is it that I had always felt the undercurrents but ignored them. Imagined that they never existed. Denied their presence. Denied her presence even though it was always there. Like a shadow. Your shadow. You said you loved me but the way you spoke of her always told me otherwise. Under all the disdain, regret, sorrow I felt a sense of pride with which you took her name.

Maybe I need  this silence to pull myself out of the wreckage of my own dreams. There is an old knot in my heart that I need to untie. I don’t want to hurt loudly now. I don’t want all that I feel to find its way to you. I want to become invisible as much as you want me gone. What you give comes back to you . I gave myself.

Sometimes it is difficult to make out if  it is loss of feeling or a feeling of loss. Sometimes it is best not to stir the embers of a dying fire lest some sparks turn to flames and consume you.

Some things are better not found.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss. For a long time the question lingered on my lips and then on a fateful day I asked, ” Whom do you see when you close your eyes?” “No one.” You replied. “Who was I supposed to see?’

“The person you love most.” I said.  Your silence, your  hesitation unraveled everything like a loose thread in a knitted sweater. A thread I should not have pulled.

If one is unaware of something it is best that it stays that way till one is capable of dealing with the deluge of hurt and pain it brings. There is a reason why we don’t know it all. The knowledge that one cannot do a thing to alter, change or rectify it can suck the meaning out of life and leave one dejected and defeated. Suddenly I feel exposed to things I wish I had never known. They have emptied my life of joy. Of love. Of trust. Once more leaving me fragile, vulnerable and alone.

I have decided to stay in the peace of my new-found quietness. Someday maybe I will find myself. Someday maybe you will remember all that was good between us and then look for me. Perhaps it will be the day when you will find yourself. I hope you do because I want to be found and I want you to find me with the credence I long for, the credence that has faded with time. Till then I will weave myself warmly in a cocoon and wait for the unfolding which will come from you.

 

You And me – Three Poems Of Love Unrequited


1.

Time stands still.
I linger,
like the empty pitcher
at the mouth of the village well
waiting patiently
to be filled.

**************

2.

You did not say a word.

Nothing.

I could sense your

  stoic, composed self

from across a thousand miles

as I whimpered

about things gone wrong.

What you said or failed to say,

how I felt, what I thought,

the conclusions I drew

from the things I masticated on,

the hurt, the pain, the want,

I furiously punched  it all.

Glad that I did not have to speak.

That in our technology powered relationship

there were gadgets that could  be used as crutches.

You remained silent.

Not a word.

I punched a few more keys

wrote this and that

and a few more other things.

 I felt pulled from all sides like an elastic band

and then released.

The sting of pain shot through my head

as my fingers tapped mindlessly.

Then,

exhausted by my meltdown

and hoping for a response ,

I waited.

Still Nothing.

“Say something.” I nudged.

Still nothing.

Just a cold silence.

You had begun to bury me already.

Minutes turned to hours,

night turned to day

and slowly fell into the dark ,

a silent dark,

unreadable,

unsettling,

asphyxiating

dead silence

as wide as the distance

between us.

The clock ticked.

The cellphone breathed its last.

Silently.

The pain returned with

greater vengengence,

concentrated at the corner of the eyes,

till the eyes softened

and tears began to recede

carrying the weight of a lifetime

then everything collapsed

I guess that’s when

the sky became overcast

and it began to rain.

***********

3.

That night never left me
It seeped into the hollow of my bones.
People leave
their absence doesn’t.
It goes where the loss 
goes to hide.
Inside the bones.
In the hollow.
filling it
with an immeasurable emptiness

**********

You and Me – The Unsigned Poem


CONCESSION

I painted myself

in a corner of your room

I painted myself in invisible ink

so you don’t know I am there

watching you secretly

sometimes you stop

whatever you are doing

and look in my direction

and I really have to keep my heart still

lest you recognize the familiar beat

That afternoon

when the sun was concentrated

in a shaft of light

that fell on the corner

where I stood

you, fresh from the shower,

had come and stood in the pool of light

that had gathered at my feet

looked at me with a strange light

in your eyes

and slowly traced your finger

over my invisible form

lingering over my lips

then

at the base of my throat

and further down

my heart beating wildly

under the tip of your finger

for a moment I had thought

the heat from your naked body

would end my little secret

and bring me to life

but

you turned got dressed

and went without a glance

since then I am trapped

in my own image

invisible to you

invisible to me

painted

in one corner of your life

starved for attention.

(First published on Memoirs Of A Homemaker)

You and Me- Stones and Pebbles


Even the coldest stone warms up to you if you hold it in your hand for some time. Stones are memory portals. Be it a beach pebble, a mighty mountain or the one watching the world from the river bed. Each one alive, content and patiently waiting. Warm and enduring like love.You can always depend on stones. They are always there no matter what.

Some lives are like stones. So are some loves. Some others, like water. Restless, curious wanderers. Always off to someplace else. Disappearing quietly, unseen, unheard.

As I gaze at evening sky, my hands rested on ancient stones I imagine myself to be my gravestone, watching over my bones since hundreds of years. The river had changed its course many a times since then. The flesh rotten and gone. Only the bones had faithfully stayed and the stones.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Deep shadows  rapidly began to  consume everything as the sky furiously bled on the bare breast of  the river. A cloud had caught fire and was slowly turning to ash. I watched till only its shadow remained in the sky and then that too merged with the deepening blue. I opened the palm and slowly dropped the stone into the river.  The calm surface of the water embraced it lovingly. I imagined it slowly embedding itself in the river bed. Finally at home.

They say the best stones are those which you gather yourself. It was under the same sun stabbed sky I had found mine almost  hidden among other bigger pebbles. Shimmering green against the light. A rare, unusual find. Legend says that you never keep the first stone you find so I offered it to you. A symbol of eternal love.

“Keep it safe. It is precious and will bind us to this place and to each other.” I had said placing it on your palm.

“A stone? We aren’t Penguins sweetheart.” You had laughed and placed it back in mine.

It was the last sunset we watched together.

You once said I have a heart of stone.

Yes, I do and it is a heart you should have trusted.

Separating Yours From Mine – Two Random Poems


 

I am holding a fiction inside me

if you think you know me, think again
what is visible is camouflaged
what is hidden is true
we are kind of schizoid, aren’t we?
containing multitudes within

Ah what the hell!

More the merrier I say!

**********

Reality is fragile

ephemeral

Dreams

amaranthine

And memories

vehicles of destruction

I am entangled in those memories of yours

real and imagined

I tried to disengage

cell by cell

pore by pore

nerve by nerve

sometimes I pulled a wrong nerve

and the scream shot inwardly

at a deafening speed

leaving me convulsing with pain

it is a long and painful process

to separate yours from mine

from a chaos of collective losses

I reached inside and pulled out my splintered heart

and then

I poked and  jabbed

 pulled and  scratched

I scrubbed it till it was raw

and yet

 I could not separate the part of you in me

and here I am

holding  a quivering, pulsating wound

with a little of you

and a little of me

bleeding in my hands

the spirit gone

the flesh weak

the will dead