On Being A Mother And A Woman , In That Order


“If you don’t like where you are in life, there comes a point when you must give up the part of you that’s keeping you back.” –Dr. Sonya Friedman Best friends- mother and son Kid 2 embarked on a new adventure in his life today. It gives me immense pride to see my little cherub begin his college life. Till kids are in school we usually consider them as kiddos and then in a blink of an eye  they grow up.  Since last few years I saw the handsome lad mature into a responsible, thinking young man. Something that happened too quickly in the case of my first-born. The kid grew up too soon. That’s another story most of you know by now. It is hard to be a mother and harder  to be a woman at the same time. Why am I reversing the order? Because that is how I want you to look at it for now. I had thought I will never bring up this subject again but things don’t always go the way you want them to go.

Once a female child is born, she  immediately sides into the role assigned to her by the society – of a daughter, sister, wife, mother so on and so forth. The first robe of role-playing that the baby girl is wrapped in grows with her infant body, taking her through the long tedious  journey into womanhood. Somewhere she shrinks into nothingness and all one can see is the role she is playing at a particular stage in her life. Am I being too bitter and judgmental? Maybe, but this is how I see an average woman’s life especially in my country. So what happens when this infant begins to acquire a mind of her own, when her body begins to stir  and revolt under all those layers of responsibilities etc? What happens when she finds she has a voice? What happens when at some point of time in her life she throws away those cumbersome layers that draped her individuality and breaks free? She is condemned for life. She is called names. She is looked down upon and  society begins to foam at mouth and picks up weapons of filth to fling at her. Thinking for oneself is not acceptable. How can a woman think for herself? Who is she anyway? Some women disagree and step out of their “boundaries” their “line of control” irrespective of  the repercussions that would follow. Some “adjust” and ” compromise” for various reasons and stay confined within the four walls of their “home”.  Consumed by the fire that burns in them.

In a society where maternal love is revered it is difficult to digest the fact that a mother can walk out of  a bad marriage leaving her children behind. Men do it all the time but women are judged harshly. They are called “cold-blooded” “inadequate” “shameless”. How can a mother leave her children? It is sacrilegious. Taboo. “What kind of mother are you?” Someone asked when I said my boys stay with their father and I have been away from them since last two years. “You abandoned them?” Pat came another question and by this time I was beginning to feel guilty again for the umpteenth time since I crossed that threshold of the house I lived in with my kids, husband and in-laws.

“No, I did not abandon them. (The word is very upsetting ) I see them regularly, talk to them almost daily. They come and stay over at my place. We are closer than ever before.. I think so..” my voice began to fail me here. Leaving your marriage is the biggest challenge one faces in life. For twenty years I stayed in an unfulfilled marriage not knowing which way to go. I was economically dependent and had no confidence to break away and start all over again. The boys were small and needed me. I wanted to stay with them, watch them grow, give them all the love and support they needed from a parent, be their friend, be there when they needed me. I did that as best I could but then something snapped within one day. I had to take the hardest decision of my life. To stay in the marriage which had lost its meaning or walk away. Choice 2 meant leaving the boys behind. At that moment I did what I felt was right. I left. I broke the news to my sons (15&19 at that time) and hoped they would understand. I believed they did. convinced myself. They put up a brave front and stood side by side with me but the sound of their hearts crushing into trillions of pieces shot through me like a comet leaving me throbbing with unsaid hurt and a permanent feeling of  guilt. Still somehow I could not bring them to stay with me nor could I go to live with them. We had to part to discover each other. The fact that I did not ever feel guilty enough to reverse my decision made things worse. In the eyes of others it was “cruel” in plain and simple words. I often talked with my boys about it and knew how difficult it was for them to show support for my action when inside they were hurting. No child can be happy in such circumstances but I often wonder if they were growing up as happy kids in the kind of environment they were living in. What changed by my leaving? The house was same, people were same, it was same shit they were facing anyway and now without my support. It was worse or was it? Only they can tell.

I have heard people whisper “All that fight for dignity and respectful living is fine and dandy but how could she do this? I could never leave my babies at any cost.” Well, it is what it is. I left at a time I believed they would understand my action. I am sure they did or they would not have had anything to do with me. The fact that we are still together no matter where we are speaks volumes. Some day I would want to know honestly what went through their minds but till then i am not assuming. There are times when I ache for togetherness. It is a lonely battle one has to fight if one chooses to break the norms. I began to start afresh, learned to be financially independent, though still legally married and still dependent on my mom and brother as I stay in their home, I am finally able to choose what I want to do with my life , with myself. Sometimes it feels like a bigger trap , more space but still a sand box. It is fine till the time I play inside it, stepping out isn’t an option but for now I am good with it. At least I am breathing without ventilator.

It is unfortunate and very tragic how the course of events in one’s life can affect children. They do bounce back and begin to live a normal life but somewhere the heart longs for the times spent together. It is the same with parents. I won’t say its just the mothers who go through this, fathers too suffer. I told myself over and over that kids need love and support and don’t want someone to fight their battles that they do on their own. They chart their own paths. One just needs to be there to encourage and give them that opportunity to grow and expand their horizons. It doesn’t matter if that’s done living together or elsewhere. I have been there for my boys no matter what  and whenever they needed me but today somehow the deluge was too much to contain. Caught between rock and hard surface I sat here in my room getting updated on the progress of how things were shaping up as Kid 2 prepared to leave to other city to join the college. An important mile stone in his life. I wasn’t there in the last two important years of his school life and the fact that I could not give him a proper hug and wish him luck by physically being there broke me completely. Some emotions are private and I cried my heart out into the pillow. For the first time I longed for two strong arms around me. A shoulder to keep my head on and just pour it all out. We weren’t engineered for being lonely. It is tough at times especially when you are mushy and a sucker for love.

The sun is about to set in my city and soon the night will come bringing another rush of memories. Memories of all that I lost and found in my struggle to juggle various roles as a woman and somewhere I would stand and watch myself , the “me” that is now and wonder was it worth it ? I don’t know what the answer will be today but most of the day it is “YES”. Even with this burden of gratitude I am carrying of being “taken back in the fold of my maternal home”. Even with the knowledge that I owe my “independence – economical and otherwise” to someone without whom it would have been a different story all together. Even though it is a bumpy, uphill task to live day-to-day and struggle to keep my voice strong It is Worth every bit of it. I will miss our weekly meetings, fun and laughter, cooking especially for him, hanging out in favorite joints but we will be connected none the less. he didn’t meet as often as Kid 1 but his absence will be strongly felt.

This is the second time the brothers are being separated. Earlier it was when I had to send Kid 1 to he boarding school. Another hard decision I would have preferred not to take. I know they will miss each other more than anything. One day each one has to take their own path and go in different directions, the hearts say connected none the less. I know my boys will understand and not judge me harshly. I know they will treat the women in their lives and for that matter any woman anywhere with the respect they deserve. I know things will not stay the same.  I know that wherever we go we will never be far away. The love and friendship we share will strengthen with time and we will always be able to float above the so-called ” social norms and code of conduct”. I wish my boy all the very best in life and success in the path he chosen. I am there for him always in any way he wants. I have a lot to say to the elder one and some day we will sit down , just the two of us, and talk to each other as two friends should but till then I just want to say I am a very proud and happy mother. Thank you for being in my live and enriching it. You guys are the best friends I have .

Stay strong , Stay Focused. Love you. please excuse the typos and random flow of thoughts.   Republished on BellBajao Blog 

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31 thoughts on “On Being A Mother And A Woman , In That Order

  1. Thank you Ritu. You have been there done that too in your own way. I am glad my voice could touch yours. There is a like button under the post 😛 Love and Hug

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  2. I loved the post .. i can totally understand! though i am not a mother but i have left my husband few months back as it was tough to be there.. i know how it tears the soul of guilt yet the surity that its the best decision ever.. people like us arnt treated well anywhere, but we are lot cooler and stronger than others who can mock ! we are warriors 🙂 and i think thats important !

    Loads of love and i pray almighty to give you peace.. i am just 25 and i face lot of shit hats off to you for being immensly couragoeus ! and you know what you are the best MOTHER as you have lead by example and not by deeds, your kids are and will be glad to have you in their lives !

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  3. A very strong, heartfelt post. I fully understand where you’re coming from. I too left my marriage, after my elder two children left for college and the youngest had just finished school – when they were old enough to understand why. They too live with their Dad when they visit from college – because that’s the family home, and it would be too unsettling for them to move their things to my place. There’s room for them of course, but not as much as at that huge mansion. It hurts sometimes and aloneness is our lot – it’s a tough burden to bear specially when you think of how you are a mother, how your whole life has revolved around them and now, basically they just visit. Accustomed to the laughter and bustle of children it’s tough to be alone. People console you with – well they’ve gone to college – it would be the same wherever you are. Cold comfort.
    Thanks you for writing so honestly about your emotions.

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  4. @lifecurry Thank you so much for warmth and understanding that you have shown. You are courageous and strong willed woman of substance and I am happy you took your hands in your life at the right time. It took me a long time to shed the mental barrier and leave what I thought was a “comfort zone”. God Bless you and make you strong every moment of every day.
    @Dagny Lots of love and thank you for being there for me always in whatever way you can. I learned a lot from you about being oneself. Hugs.
    @Kalpana I completely agree with you and can feel some of the emotional upheaval you must have gone through. The hurt is never ending but the solace of children becoming independent, thinking human beings is comforting. The environment they lived in could affect adversely but they had the serenity to choose right from wrong. Lots of love to you. Stay connected.
    Thank you everyone for making me stronger. Stay Strong.

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  5. There is amazing grace in this post…such an intense honest post, yet no harshness–just a sweet river flow from one village into another…speaks volumes of who you are as a person.

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  6. Thank you Bhavana. I love my sons and I hope we give a better world to our children. Sometimes a lot is left unsaid and yet we talk too much. I want to say it before it is too late. Love

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  9. I salute your courage Tiku ! My best wishes to those two smart lads, of course they’ll understand you !
    This society is so judgmental, esp of the women! Am glad you chose to break the barriers when it didn’t fit into the life you wanted !! Hugs mommy 🙂

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  10. Thank you Uma. I appreciate your love and support. It has been an uphill task and an unending struggle to stand with head held high. Still is. I believe being vulnerable is also courageous. Just hope the strength continues ..

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  11. At first – when surfing through the facebook, I thought you had abandoned two twins who were at the stage of breast feeding and dependent on you and judged you way too soon. Sorry, don’t we all consider our children as helpless babies even when they are fit to be independent. So, your boys were 15 and 19, and you held up there until then? I pat your back for that. How many moms who stay in the marriage, unhappy and gloomy can say they are there for their children. Many take out their frustrations on the children, shooing them away from home into bad company. I found the individual within myself as a child, the individual everyone disliked and wanted to kill. But somehow, through the roller coaster ride of my life, I have held on to the original ME. The most wonderful part of my life are my two children. Would I walk away from them if life demands? NO! But, that is not because I think it is wrong to walk away from them, but because there is no one else who can be there for them. They have never been close to their father, moreover, they do not trust him. My daughter is with special needs that only I understand. Hence, the best thing is to stay with them. That helps me keep in touch with the real person I am, because they are the only individuals who understand and appreciate the real me. They give me enough freedom to pursue my ambitions like working and studying. So, at present we are fine. But, I cannot assure anything about the future. 😉
    You must have seen the movie ‘Titanic’. Remember how Leonardo DiCaprio thought Winslet to spit? Just practice that when you are free so that you can use that skill when people judge you.

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  12. Salute and respect, not only for the decision you took but also for not feeling guilty about it. I I understand the pain…the loneliness as a mother but through your post I didn’t sense guilt and there is no reason why you should. You waited years for them….hats off. It is just so easy to write off everything that goes against our beliefs, especially if it is related to stereotypes about women. It takes two to bring a child in the world and it should take two to raise them. They were with their dad, at their home, you did not abandon them!! and just by living with your kids or staying at home, you do not automatically become a good parent. Keep your head high dear, not only are you a good parent but you are also a remarkable woman. Mwy every woman in your situation have your strength!

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  13. Thank you Farida. I appreciate your honest views and I completely agree with you. You know the only question that ever bothered me while leaving them was just one. I was leaving them with people who did not care a bit about them nor ever understood them and that included their dad. He financially supported the basic needs but that is it. Being economically dependent or should I say having no economic independence made me leave them behind or else i too would have taken them along if they wishes and am sure they would have becuase there is unmatched understanding between the three of us and at that time too was there.
    As for people judging me what hurts me is the thought that unlike me there are hundreds of women withering away in loveless marriages unable to step out becuase they have no job or very low income to support their children.
    I will keep in mind your advice 😀 and practice it daily :P. Thanks again. I admire your courage and determination and draw strength from it.
    By the way Kid 1 is now earning and Kid 2 is in Chandigarh studying in IHM. Very proud of my sons.

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  14. Thank you so much for your thoughts. I appreciate them. The initial ffeeling of discomfort is now gone. It has been almost 3 years now and the boys are as happy about my moving on with life as I am about them. The bond is strong and we are the best of friends. I hope their dreams realize soon so they can move out and stay independently if they choose to. Thanks again for reading and understanding.

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  15. I am at a loss of words here. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it would have been to take that decision. But, you did what you had to do and I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. Like the saying goes, even God helps those who help themselves. 🙂 Most women lack the courage to do the right thing or are held back by circumstances or society. Unless they be the change they want to see – nothing is going to ever change.

    May you always be the courageous woman you are.

    Hugs and lots of love!
    Akanksha

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  18. This is such an honest post bubbling with strength and vulnerability at the same time Tikuli.May it give closure to many women who are seeking a closure to the chaos surrounding them ❤

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  20. and talk to each other as two friends should but till then I just want to say I am a very proud and happy mother. Thank you for being in my live and enriching it. You guys are the best friends I have .

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