Last night was longer and made for torture or reflection or for savoring of loneliness. Like an ancient tomb where the souls come out gasping for life and searching for potential bodies which they can occupy. The soul with as opposed to them struggles to escape.
I lay taking in the stuffy darkness of the room. Everything began to rapidly merge into blackness. Unfamiliar shapes, menacing, uncanny, or merely grotesque began to emerge.
Some prisons don’t have bars, or guards. Such was last night, thicker than any wall, blind, empty and immensely engulfing . Like a huge gaping hole which slowly sucks you in and now and then you brush against appalling things that roam and prowl in its chambers. You see nothing. Hear nothing. The murderously asphyxiating silence is all one has for company .
Was I scared? No. It was a trance like state where you feel nothing or feel so deeply that the pain makes you numb.
An owl screeched and I could imagine it gliding past my window. Stillness returned.
On the opposite wall a pattern began to emerge. The fluorescent hands of the clock like some invisible claws blurred into nothingness and a face of time emerged. The glowing numbers burned holes in my mind. Nothing stirred.
Spellbound by the deep penetrating eyes I lay transfixed on my bed. Thirst like the scrape of hot sand-paper began to bruise my throat. I tried to get up but something held me tightly to the bed. My eyes returned to the face on the wall.
All the uncertainties, all the questions came rushing to me. Here was Time who had all the answers.
“Only the time will tell ” I was told.
I looked beseechingly , pleading for the answers. None came.
Maybe it wasn’t time for them to be revealed.
So, why was it here, staring at me like a death mask ?
What did it want?
Why it glaring eyes seemed to look accusingly at me, making me shift uncomfortably?
Time doesn’t tell anything. It doesn’t heal. Don’t believe it all you have been told. Time simply crushes you, chains you, makes you its slave and whiplashes you to obey its commands. The answers, the healing comes from either within or from elsewhere. Time just watches the drama and laughs at our misery . Time is the devil to whom we have sold our souls. It is the master , we mere slaves. Only an inner uprising can bring the change. Only that can create true love, true courage, true self.
Tonight the battle was at its peak but something was amiss or maybe someone and it made all the difference.
I shifted my pillow to the other side but I could still feel its gaze penetrating through my skull. It’s measured ticking reverberating.
With some effort I pulled myself out of bed and removed and shoved the menacing clock under a pile of clothes. The muffled sound of its breathing still audible.
I gulped a chilled glass of water and decided to lie facing the window. The hot summer night-sky claimed me.
The butter-gold moon came encroaching through my window. Suddenly filling it with a calm glow. Spent by my inner state of being I watched as it lingered in deep sky. Watching me with its forlorn eyes.
A jarring buzz vibrated in the small of my back scaring the wits out of me. The cell phone had quietly slid itself and nestled in the comfort zone away from the events of the night. The led light brought me back to the real world. Reluctantly I opened my laptop to work. Sometimes one is just pulled from all sides like an elastic band and then released. The sting of pain shot through my head as my fingers tapped mindlessly at the keyboard.
The cellphone meanwhile breathed its last. Sleepless and restless I went to put it for charging, took the chair out in the balcony and slumped on it. The moon had disappeared behind the high-rise buildings. The air was still and did not provide any solace. Back in the room I brought the clock out . The hands had miraculously appeared, the face had melted into the fiber of the machine. 3 AM it said.
I could hear an early bird call somewhere.
Sometime loneliness and absence digs its claws deeper than usual and leaves one wounded. Such was last night. The ache hasn’t subsided nor has the yearning.