You and I – Unrequited Love


Days and nights have suddenly turned cold in the middle of summer. Cold and Hard like last year’s loaf of bread. I slice them with blunt knives and chew on them without appetite.  Indifferent messages do little to bridge the aching distance or break the deafening  silence that has occupied every fiber of life nor does an occasional assemble of  affectionate words give any comfort. Even though the heart longs, it knows it will never get more than that.

I wonder if this pitiless indifference is subterfuge for hiding the torments of love or it is  the opposite of love. Love has denied rest to my soul and slumber to my eyes. I have begun to dread the approaching night. It deepens the loneliness and hurt as I stare into the vast emptiness of the dark sky. A lonesome moon sometimes glides past the window and lying on my bed, fatigued by days of sleeplessness, I watch it disappear from sight.

Words that I wrote for you float like pipe dreams, adding fuel to the slow fire consuming me from within. It is funny how presence makes itself felt more poignant through absence. Stray memories come to haunt , it is amazing how darkness brings things to life, gives them a form, a voice.

I lie as still as possible , least I disturb your silence and it moves away just as you have. I don’t even dare to breathe.

Mind is a fucking manipulating control freak and in those moments of vulnerability , it leaves no chance to whiplash.

There is no feeling worse than knowing you weren’t worthy of truth, of love, of sharing, of  togetherness, of complete oneness, not even an incomplete one. Unrequited love curls itself in some secret crevice , wounded and bleeding. It doesn’t die.

There is always a part of me that hopes for more, and so there is a part of me that is always a fool. Love does that.

Am facing a silence so cold, so sharp you could cut yourself on it.  There is nothing so hurtful, nothing so bare and forlorn as the silence that falls like swords on two people who no longer know what to say to one another, and it is the kind of silence that tells you that you are no longer of any importance to that person, who really is no longer even there; it is a silence that renders you invisible.

It has rendered me invisible. Some days ago I wrote , sometimes one knows one’s place – outside the periphery.. The words come out so powerfully now. It is all good to talk of giving space etc, of trust and understanding and being comfortable even in silence of a loved one but this is not that silence.. this is a silence that cripples.

It’s a marvel that even with such agony the longing doesn’t diminish , it continues to feed on the loneliness and gain strength. It grows stronger , so does love- even the unrequited one, for it has its own rainbows.

“Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”-Sarah Cross

but the other part holds true too. We are creatures of desire and desire needs to be respected.

Love needs to be fed. Nurtured. Nourished. It needs to be deeply felt.

It needs to be reciprocated.  Replenished.

It needs to be expressed. In actions as well as words

Especially when words are the only medium.

Unrequited love is an orphan of silence.

Abandoned to fend for itself  during the endless days and never-ending nights.

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The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell…


The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.
~Rumi
There is such a beautiful message in this 13th century poem of  Rumi. Sometimes it needs a special person to connect the dots and awaken you to realize the true essence of what you read. I have done affirmation and healing techniques like EFT etc since some time now. Doing daily affirmations has changed me from within. I am not saying that I don not go into low mood swings or do not get emotionally upset over things but I am able to get over them and move on quicker than before.  We all know that there is an energy source within but rarely do we pay attention to it or focus on it.
Rarely we communicate with our inner child, rarely we look within and look at. We find it hard to forgive, hard to appreciate others and harder to forgive and appreciate ourselves.
This post isn’t a discourse on positive thinking or healing and transformation nor am I pushing you to go do what I am doing but simple little things sometime are life changing. Reviewing life, changing thought patterns, writing a new story, letting go of anger, hurt, pain directed towards people has helped me get out of negative weak fields and given me courage and clarity to make conscious choices which are rid of guilt. I have been able to make that shift in my priorities and consciousness and feel the improvement.
Forgiveness has helped me raise my awareness towards myself and others. It wasn’t easy, still at some point of time I slip back but the moment I do I realize and make an effort to rise again. I have not been consistent in re-balancing my energies and it showed greatly on my physical and emotional health.  But, they say, when you ask for it , you are given. Something changed dramatically the moment I got connected with this thought.  Everything began to fall into places. The process has begun. What I desire is on its way and I very strongly believe universe will guild and help me get it.
Sometimes change happens gradually , over a period of time. Nothing is a waste, we have our rooting years and then we bloom but at other times it is sudden. It is essential too to release the blocked or interrupted energy and make it flow.  I have seen how effective it is in body healing.
To some it may seem silly but I have seen that when faced with something I have no answer to , I just surrender it to the universe and the solutions come on their own. May be not at that moment but they come when it is time t act on them. The problems dissolve naturally if we don not make a fuss about them.
I also feel that if you are passionate about somethings, you are propelled towards it. That great feeling of doing what you want to and doing it right becomes the motivational force. I am not quoting any of my teachers here, it is something I have experienced since sometime. Nothing can stand in front of a passionate desire to achieve something. People cooperate, co create , door begin to open, It works if you direct your energy towards what you want so much.
Someone asked me , if that is so Why did it took you so long to take a step in that direction ? I said, I did not want it so badly I guess.
Everything has its time and it happens in that time frame, you just can not hurry the process. It is something we never learn from nature, maybe because we never look.
When I heard Dr. Wayne Dyer’s  recording of  ‘Inspiration‘ among many others I realized how my desire to connect was manifested. How I was shown the path by a friend.  How I discovered one link after the other. There is nothing more blissful than friends who connect to show you the light. Sometimes you know them, sometimes  you don’t but they appear out of no where and change the scenario, they help you set the stage , to chart your path.  One is suddenly more aware and able to grab the opportunities , to see the signals and use them.
I am  immensely grateful to all those who helped me and are still helping me in my journey of life. Do listen to the recording of Dr. Dyer’s  Inspiration- your ultimate calling by clicking at the above link.
The fact that I wrote this and you are reading it confirms the belief that somewhere the universe wants us to connect and find our calling. Each of us is just a tool. For those who think this is all a gimmick and money-raising activity by motivational teachers or metaphysical healers , all I say is Never judge . You never know who opens the window for you to reach out to the real  “You”. It is all about Believing  and rising above the ego.
Rumi’s poem came as an answer to a question I was pondering on since last few months. Why do I always wake up between 3AM to 4 AM  most of the nights , sometimes half an hour ahead or before too ? We call it “Brahma Muhurat”  , a time best suited for meditation and connecting with self and the source energy from where it all began. Usually I would say some affirmations and try to go back to sleep in vain. So, I would toss and turn and log into internet or read. It just did not strike me as a calling to step out and meditate on oneself. To recognize this body clock and body rhythm and know what it’s telling.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell, do not go to bed .. 
 
 A time for cosmic connect. Time for inspirations to flow in. Its been three days since I have started to get myself out of bed  the moment my eyes open ( it’s always around the same time between 3 to 4 am) and stand in the balcony. I haven’t ventured out of the house yet.  There is something miraculous in spreading your arms to the early morning sky , breathing deep and relaxing the mind ,. body and soul in that tranquility of pre dawn.  It is a feeling to experience for it may bring a new meaning to each of us.  I never felt so at one with myself , so calm and serene within. There is this magical hue in the sky, a deep silence and immediately one closes the eyes and is inward bound.  I really felt closest to the source energy. Many thoughts kept floating in my head and with them came many solutions. I was able to let go of many of people and things , accumulated hurts and regrets from the past. The first morning I felt tears roll down my cheeks but I was not in pain. I knew it was a cleansing process.
The breeze does have secrets to tell.. only we have to be receptive to listen to them. I think this is what a fully awakened state of mind means. Each day is a different experience. It comes on its own. I have had such moments during nights, when I get this sudden drive to write something. It is a compelling force from within. The reason I keep a pencil and notebook next to my bed. These thoughts never return.
I have made this a routine now.  What ever time I wake up between 3 to 4:30 I just let go of myself and surrender myself to the universal energies. It really is helping me to have a much calmer and peaceful time with myself and others.

Am going to be alright


Some days are tough. Very tough. The days when you are torn into shred by the pain and grief. When you want to reach out and hug and wail like baby, when you just want the world to end. When you yearn for the human touch, when voice is not enough and yet it is the only solace you have. When the words get lost in the lungs and you clutch the cell in your fist shut, your blurry eyes , tears streaming down your cheeks, unable to  utter anything. When you swing between being a woman and a being a mother and feel helpless and defeated in both roles. When phrases like “hang in there” or ” this too shall pass” sound so hollow, for they don’t lessen the agony one bit.

When you feel the burn at the back of your neck and behind the ears, a throb at the temple, head heavy as boulder , eyes nothing but overflowing pools of hot liquid. When your cheeks, and jaw hurt as if you have chewed on something hard for a long time. When “moving on” seems like biggest hoax. What doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger , it cripples you. It is intensity of the disaster that matters. The deluge of grief that opens up so many wounds. It makes distances grow manifold.

Last two days have been a chaos especially the Easter Sunday brought sad news that broke the floodgates and it all just flowed and flowed. All the pain that had accumulated for sometime slipped quietly into the new one and it became a lethal cocktail of emotions. All the parts of me that were vulnerable , opened. I still do not really know which was the dominating pain- of loss, of not being with my sons or my own unmet desires and loneliness.

Death is always brutal realization of  how fickle everything else is.   A few days ago a little pup brought warmth of love and filled the  empty lives of my boys with something to hold on to, to cuddle and care , to watch over and look forward to and they were ecstatic. I said a little prayer of thanks and hoped that my absence would finally not loom large and trouble their hearts. The pup would occupy that vacant place at least in some way but destiny has been cruel to us. We have not yet finished our quota of hurts.

Joe passed away early Sunday morning. A very brief  illness evening before and in the morning he was gone. Sometimes there are no words which can console a heart lashed again and again and again by life. Each Love creates its own theory of pain.

Do you know how it feels to bury a baby you have fed and bathed and cuddled next to you? Do you know how it feels to someone who himself is just a kid? Can you even imagine the pain that slices through the very core of a boy who brought the baby home, made him a part of his own self, shared his energies, his love, joy, sorrow, everything with the little animal companion. I do. Been there done that and to see my boys go through it just left me numb. We tried to put up a brave front, said positive things to each other and in  silence of our heart we scream in agony. We broke down , unable to bridge the distance between us and finally our brain shuts off.  Sometimes we the live just because of the stumbling breaths we exchange. There is disquiet of quiet all around. Once the first deluge is over , there is a complete disconnect. One wants silence.. complete silence.

I disconnected. Put everything on mute and my heart longed to connect . Just for a while. Just with you. To be there. For a short time. Just as it longed for the boys. Loneliness cuts deep. It swallows you completely. I guess that is the way it IS, to be there and let it take over. To feel it, observe it, endure it. Loneliness shelters in this unconditional hurt. You curl in and feel safe in its nets.

I buried my face in the pillow and wept. Tears heal. Then I opened the curtains and gazed at the night sky. Eyes dry and swollen , sleep as usual hiding somewhere as it afraid to enter those burning gaping spaces. Night sky is soothing. I guess its darkness repels the darkness within.  Somewhere between  those two darkness I drifted off  into an unknown land carrying the unbearable weight of all that can go wrong and has gone wrong.

We are all connected, through love, through loneliness, through pain and even from a  distance one reaches out in the darkness hoping to touch some other hand. We are designed for many things but loneliness is not one of them. Yet it came to me slowly and steadily. Circumstances brought it to me unasked. Now I guess I have become accustomed to it and sometime even seek shelter in it, appreciate it. It helps me still myself. To listen to my body. It’s aches and wants.

I decided to go some place quiet today. Sit sometime in silence. The church I visited was closed. Another sign that one must endure and not escape. The taxi driver was sleepy and we almost had a brush with death twice. I hurt my right arm. Bruised my middle finger. It turned a deep shade of blue-green.

The heat was unbearable. Throat parched and body drained with exhaustion I looked vacantly stared at the passing terrain.

Now the night has come, something is still tugging at my heart But am gonna be alright. Damn it.  I am still hanging between silence and words. Guess its time to let it flow. Let the body relax and let the pain ease out.

Joe baby, where ever you are , know that you are remembered , loved and terribly missed. RIP.

You and Me- Let me cafuné * you tonight


Let us do something different with our nights. Let us take off to someplace unknown. Far from the madding crowd.

Let me cofuné you. Your head on my breast. Eyes closed.

Let us spread the buttergold moon over each other’s bodies. Let it melt on the tips of our hungry tongues.

Let us open our arms wide like fishing nets and catch some stars. If not , then just lie down still,  your body against mine,  under the open sky and watch the night sky.

Let us just throw every last care away. Let’s be happily hopelessly  messy.

Let’s eat with bare hands, no spoons, knives, forks.  Let fingers, tongue and mouth replace ’em.

Let us lose track of time Time. Disconnect.  Do away gadgets. Switch off.

Let’s indulge.  Draw a bath,  light candles, slip into the warm water. Smoldering pools of liquid heat.

Let us sleep like commas. Sweat, moisture, supple, soft folds of skin concealing the hearts of desire.

Let us curl up and make each other laugh, play checkers or just listen to the sound of our heart, warm, live, improvident, indecent hearts .

Let us throw ourselves over the edge.

Let us forget who we are, forget from where we are, forget the world, forget everything , nullify everything but that we are together in that moment.

Let us take the empty road, absorb each other and the sounds of night.

We will have other crazy things to do when the day breaks..

Love is worth it.

Let us love and mean it.

Cafuné: From Brazilian Portuguese, meaning to tenderly run one’s fingers through someone’s hair.

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