Mind Wanderings – JLT


Tear, they know not for whom and for what they flow. Warm cocktail of happiness and pain. Sometimes the eyes just can not hold them anymore. Sometimes all that is unsaid constricts the heart and then the volcano erupts ending a painful conflict within. For the time being. There are days when you long for human touch. that one hug from someone you love or maybe from someone who loves you. Reassurance of something deeper than just frivolous playful words. Love,  not pity, not sympathy, nothing, but the silent warmth of trust, care and togetherness.

It is strange feeling to love from a distance. Strange and heart wrenching at times and yet there it a sweet pleasure in it. Pleasure of knowing, believing  that someone thinks you are worth it and a smile travels through the tears. An instant flush warms you up and then  reality shows you the mirror. The illusion fades away. The pain returns with greater vengeance. We fear “fear” the most. Fear of things that have not yet happen and maybe they even won’t but we fear and in that fear anxious heart cries for comfort. Comfort of that illusion, that mirage we call love.

It feels good when one is made to feel special but sometimes one knows how teasingly obscure it is… unattainable. Thank God for dreams, they take the pain out of life. Even if for time being.  You say little but when you do even my heart stops to listen, my senses become aroused to every said and unsaid word. Yearning, longing, wanting more. My brain is working at frantic speed. My dreams have suddenly turned neon.

You want to pour it all but how do you convey your intimacy and sincerity of emotions via phone, test, email, chat? How do you fill it with the sensuousness of a hand written love note mildly fragrant with the perfume of your body.  You can’t. The emoticons are absurd they can’t ever convey the frenzied torrential desires and warm snuggles, the silent lingerings and quiet surrenderings. How can a piece of metal convey all this? And yet that is all we have. And the dreams. Dreams where you are more real than the real. Dreams where there are no distances, boundaries, commitments, rules, duties, ties or strings which pull from all sides and drag you into quicksand of social obligations.

Reality makes me ask questions, makes me fear , makes me uncertain.

It makes me  hold you and ask you, “What are you? Why do you make me want to be better? Why am I afraid of disappointing you? Why am I afraid of the way you look at me, the way your gaze, your voice , your words strips me naked? Why does my heart collapse at the thought that if you turned away from me , I won’t know what to do with myself. I will be invisible even to myself? ”

Some feelings can not be described, some things remain unexplained like the smell of rain slaking the parched earth.

We mix and match the twenty six alphabets all the time, trying to bring out the most from what we have but sometimes they shrug their shoulders and walk away and then there is pause. Pregnant with all that could have been said through eyes and lips and tongue and fingers. Pause pregnant with frustration of being so utterly helpless and tongue-tied due to loss of words. That is the time imaginations takes over and dreams suck you back into the warmth of womb.  Reality is known to have super powers. It has sharp invisible claws that dig through your flesh and penetrate the deepest layer of your being. Life doesn’t break it crushes.

There is a shadow figure that moves with me. It wraps itself around me and hurls me down the stairs . It weaves absurd circles around me like an invisible web. I feel a pull and hear the sighs and whispers of lost souls. I am electrically charged. There are sparks everywhere. Bright, colorful sparks . Upside down I fall and catch the glimpses of forbidden,sunken lost world. I hurl towards it drenched in Red.Illusions collided against reality and got shattered into pieces. Now there are more of them.

I wonder how I got so addicted to your unavailability. Standing at the periphery of your world I turned into a plant and took roots . Roots that went deeper and deeper with time and even began to grow from my body above the ground. Complicated mess of tangles just like life.  I braved the seasons hoping that one day you will give it all up and come to sit under my shade and then I will embrace you and take you into my fold and fill you with new-found life. The wait is longer than I believed. In fact in is unending.  I shed leaves this winter.  Hoping that a chance glance will make you aware of  the “You” in my naked body.

I wonder how you so seamlessly slid under my skin. How you slowly occupied my thoughts, actions, silences. Every sleeping and waking moment. How you became me and yet …. there is a something amiss, an emptiness.  Something you need to figure out and fill, because for all I that can do  for you , this is something you need to do. Till then I will find solace in your being and not being and wait.

Sometimes I wonder

what if

I was

unavailable

unpredictable

cynical

measured my words and my silences

what if  I was guarded

what if

I appeared and disappeared at will

what if

one day you don’t find me waiting across  the line which I can never cross

what if  I one day vanished in thin air

I am afraid to know the answer to this “what if” .

but you don’t need to fear my love

for I have taken roots just at the edge of desire

at the periphery of your circle of life

am perennial  – just  like love

I will wait for my spring

and till then

weave a private tapestry

with

a thread – you

and a thread – me

Distance and silence makes you realize what you took for granted.  Do they?

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