I. Like a river flowing
“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”
Summer longings and a listless heart who gets into trouble by falling in love with strangers.
Strangers like You, a mirage, a distant dream untouchable & beyond reach. From your dusk to my dawn I wait for the sign but the rainbow dissolves in thin air.
Staring spaces hold me captive as I sit at the edge of desire. Silent vacant spaces where your thoughts like evening shadows slowly draw close and tug at my heart.
The mind is amused. It rejoices in the heart’s agony coaxing the heart to have conversation. Mind is a patient listener, logical, practical like you but is crafty. It wanders off ignoring the mind trap.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.”Neil Gaiman
“Go with the flow, don’t ask rhetorical question for I have no answers. Why should you seek answers? Where will it get you? Will it change the way you feel? what are you seeking? Why are you seeking? where are we going? Why? what? I don’t know. Just be there.”
Questions and counter questions.
I look at you in silence, feel the pang . I see a child like soul trapped in a tired over worked body wanting to escape. You deny. It’s a conscious choice – good bad whatever. ” Is it all worth it?” , I ask. you don’t want to go there.
I watch tears, smiles, frowns, happy, sad faces pop up. Emoticon expressions. You share and I share and we move on.
A million thoughts leading nowhere ..I search and search and search .. more questions and more answers leading to more questions. Life has suddenly become a mathematical technical problem or maybe a philosophical one, I don’t know.
We just go with the flow. Dreaming, yearning, passionately longing . Sometimes like a magical mysterious placid underwater river with no source no destination and at others like a mountain brook revealing itself and all its magnificence as it turns into a gorgeous river unmindful of where its going.
The laid back underwater river sometimes losing its sense of time and it loses the will and strength to cut its way through the obstructions. You have become like that.
One day the hidden river discovered light through a gap. It saw the way to freedom but the effort to cut through the formidable stone walls was too taxing. It waited, craving to be free, looking for some lift and found me. love happens at strange places in stranger circumstances. We took a dive . I to explore the unknown deep mystery and you to reach out and escape to freedom.
Being dormant for years creates conflict and the mind thrives on it. It loves to throw the heart in whirlpools and watch it burn and gasp.
It creates disillusionment, spins you, makes you dive deep and resurface breathless and baffled.
Enchanted and enamored you went headlong and landed in a whirlpool of emotional upheavals conflicting with your chosen placid life. You began to see and the light blinded you. You began to retreat. Courage doesn’t come easy.
I stood watching , helpless .
Happens when you fall in love with an image, wanting to own, to possess an illusion. Wanting a hostage for a season and then the pretensions fall to the ground. The fairy tale ends. The rainbow dissolves.
It happened too quickly. The want, the need all there but there also a void.
The feeling of Having it all having nothing
Something you got to experience and explore to make the change that you desire and that has found its way to you.
You placed a boulder and shut out the light . You shut me out but I have watched to peeping through those chinks and it gladden my heart. I see another rainbow beginning to form. You are a wizard . You saw through it and cemented the opening firmly.
I smiled. Nothing can hold a surging river especially a dormant one.
I have an insatiable urge to grasp the unknown treasures, to taste things that are so wondrous when teasingly obscure, to get lost in the pathless dreamland away from the madding crowd.
Being in love gives meaning to life. It complete the circle of life. Even if it is a dream. Luminous, delicate, ethereal dream arising out of a smoky mist an image slowly defining itself and me I love the shadow of the moon staring hungrily, ravenously longingly. I love the rich night sky with all its hues and changing patterns, I love wild daisies, the butterflies and furry bunnies , I love the fragrant roses , the rain shower, the cherry trees .
Reminds me of the poem by Pablo Neruda what spring does to a cherry tree
I love to share it all with you knowing my footsteps don’t echo with mine. I still want to walk along just in case you terribly feel the need to open your heart and embrace life. The walls are too high to scale but I try with skinned knees and bleeding heart. Distance, time engulfs me in a misty robe turning me into water .. I flow.
Seduced by your songs, your laughter, your whiskey voice, your warmth. It fills me crosses all barriers of universe. I wanted to be wanted and universe fulfilled my wish. So I go with the flow. Sometimes like a gurgling stream or an untamed passionate mountain river at others serene silently flowing at leisure. Unpredictable yet contained.
Sometimes I get the feeling that all this is lost to you.
Beneath the quiet calm flow I burn.
My heart flies to you while my soul awaits. I, a thing of rags and patches, with twigs and flowers in my ruffled hair. I, with dreams in my eyes and fire in my heart. I, whom creator made and threw the mold. Who needs such romantic fools anyway.
And you, with a shell around you , a king with in the four walls of your self-created kingdom. Shutting out all that would create an upheaval it your nicely manicured space. Taming the river that flows in you. How can who tell me to flow with you when you have created dams at every curves?
You forgot that over a period barriers begin to develop chinks and when they do you won’t be able to control the surge of a captive river.
Try, keep blocking.
Fill those chinks, those cracks but hey will widen with time crumbling to dust in front of the passion called life. I saw a gap and with quivering heart I stepped into the realms unseen unknown. The universe awaits.
You scorn and laugh. You moved into my mind space and now it leaves you troubled and yet strangely contended and me too in that process.
You close your eyes , bury your head in the sand pretend it doesn’t exists but love moves in mysterious ways, in silence. So do thoughts.
Watch me burn in my own flames but remember I’m a phoenix I will rise again but your eyes will just see the ashes of love . They will search for something in those smoky remnants as the scent of jasmine riding on air-back will flood your heart. Your grief will bleed inwardly for your soul has no rainbow and your eyes no tears.
You either enrich a life or you don’t. There is no middle path.
to be continues …….