Leaving the past behind and living in this moment probably does not simply mean – not carrying baggage from your own life.Maybe it also means – not blindly accepting and following the “so called ” moral values, religious beliefs etc.
Year 2010 is gone and with it are gone the pain, hurt, negativity. It is time to shed those veils called ” responsibilities, compromises, duties etc” . So much of me got buried trying to go out of the way to play the different roles to please different people.
I avoided looking into the mirror, to face the stranger who stared at me with questioning eyes. The guilt of losing my ‘self ‘ was too much to bear.
Past few years have been a journey to hell and back. I have no one to blame but myself. we let people use us as doormats, let them walk all over us and never utter a word even if we are exploding with pain and humiliation from within. We take it on because maybe the other option is to be alone and we are afraid to venture into that unknown territory . We like the familiar grounds however thorny they might be.
At the threshold of my heart I found dreams waiting, I had left them alone in some dark corner and forgotten. They looked at me beseechingly. I had promises to keep. To myself. Promises I had deliberately forgotten .
Under those veils a body was restlessly turning from side to side. whose body was this ? How did it look? What color was it ? I had forgotten. I had forgotten myself. I was just a daughter, a wife , a mother, a DIL relentlessly doing her duties ,performing my part to keep those around me happy and contended .
In the last few years something changed . Over the period those veils became dirty, worn out and gossamer thin and I was filled with a sudden urge to shred them and escape to freedom.
I found my voice – strong , fearless and free.
It wasn’t easy. Just as I was used to being veiled the other were used to keep me that way. Lips sealed, eyes & ears shut and feet chained. The transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly was unacceptable but
“A Caterpillar cannot stay in a Cocoon Forever . . . A Butterfly Has to Emerge one Day” !!!
It shook their very foundation.
They say that if you poke a harmless worm it also turns and bites .
The time has come to fearlessly be myself . To assert my identity.
To leave the past behind and move on with no baggage takes courage especially when one is not used to it. It was a difficult decision but worth all the pain. I made myself what I am and only I can rectify it. No one else can do it . Is this my new year resolution?
NO. It is my life resolution. To live and not to exist. I learnt my lessons the hard way by compromising myself to the point of submission knowing that it is doing no good to me.
A major part of my life went in deception, in feeding the Ego with social appreciation and attention. I was always reflection of what others (society) wanted me to be. I was becoming an efficient part in the mechanism of the society. Fitting into the pattern but moving away from self-knowledge, that self-knowledge which is the true introspection. Self pity and feelings of being victimized is how I looked at my life. I clung to my Ego.
Questioning has made me realize my self-worth. It has helped me mature over a time. I have learned the secret to unfold my brilliant, resilient petals and bloom.
I am building faith within, trusting my inner self more often to walk alone and walk with conviction.
Now my priorities are sorted out. The path I have chosen is not paved but I have made commitment to myself , a commitment I am going to fulfill. It is a rough pathway I have carved for myself and I don’t know where it will lead me but one thing is clear, it is a path I have chosen and I will walk on it with head held high.
Some of you must have read Louise Hay . She says,” “Cluttered closets mean a cluttered mind. As you clean the closet, say to yourself, ‘I am cleaning the closets of my mind.’ The universe loves symbolic gestures.”
I agree with her . I realized that dumping painful memories, expectations and hurt feelings is akin to cleansing your soul. I did just that.
I never believed in and supported the age-old dogmas , rituals etc but now when I look back I realize how much of myself I gave away in doing things which were worse than those orthodox senseless beliefs I detested so much. It is shameful to say the least.
There are some things which I was taught as a child which I remembered but never implemented but in last few months I gathered the courage to kill my ego for a greater joy of rising above my current state of hollow living and finding new meanings in life.
I have learned that only fools cry ” I was used” or ” I am being used” . I am past that .
I need no sympathy . Life isn’t over till I decide.
Life has so much to give and the journey has just began . No turning back , no intrusion from past. The past is gone, dead, buried. The ghosts of yesteryear look elsewhere for there is no place for you in my new life.
I value those who showed me the mirror , shook me out of the dirt I was living in. Friends who are brutally honest yet very caring and supportive. My mom and brother who believe I can touch the sky , they believe in my strength as a woman, as a person . Friends who are part of my evolution, who taught me right from wrong and pushed me off the cliff so I could fly.
It is because of them I left my cobwebbed corners where I sat wallowing in self-pity, crying over events gone by which held no meaning for me, people who did not matter .
I learned to separate dreams from reality and not mix them.
I learned to take no shit from no one EVER however close they may seem to be.
I learned that no one is more important and worth shedding tears apart from my self.
No covering up lies of other people . When I speak the truth why should I side by lies ?
No adjustments that are one-sided and lead to compromises and submission. Never ever.
Tonight a lot will change. Slowly but it will change and for good.
The new year is To Be Fearlessly Myself
The reason I wrote this post is to look at as a constant reminder that I have promised myself something and I will not sway . Come what may.
Wishing all my readers courage , love , light and peace in the coming new year.