Yesterday was a strange day. I planned it all out and ended up with a trail of incomplete tasks. It began with a forgotten mug of morning coffee and led to burnt toasts, cold soggy breakfast, broken glass, unfinished chores, teary eyes and a broken heart.I made a simple meal that seemed unfit for human consumption and quietly tucked myself away with the laptop in the darkest corner of the bedroom. The worse awaited me there as I opened my mail.
Sometimes one is put in a situation where you are either dammed or hanged and there is no middle way and no escape route. I stared my the hazy screen and tried to clear the mist rising in front of my eyes blurring the words I was reading.
With a sigh I closed my eyes and thought about what relationships mean. Is there any place for trust, longing , compassion, understanding, faith, caring or are these words hollow and empty. crucified by the scheming minds or turned into slaves by those who never seem to go beyond the apparent . What is love ? What is lust? Passion, longing ? Why is it that a man or a woman gives in to desires that are illicit and murders the basic feeling of mutual admiration and love-making illusory dream castles over the graves of what could have been a solid foundation for an everlasting bond.
Why sometimes the heart escapes and we lose all control over it and the devious mind laughs at our misery making it even more difficult to pull the reins and bring back the wandering fool. we make different choices and end up in the same way. Caught in the crossfire of my own emotions began to bleed.
There was a time I believed . Believed in the romance , in friendship, in connectivity, in words both said and unsaid but now it is a bit difficult to digest. People change colors to shame a chameleon at least he does it as a defense mechanism, they manipulate, twist and turn the events to their requirement, don’t shed a single tear of remorse for their doings and continue with their lives parading as victims in the eyes of the world and the world sees the drama unfold with blinkers on and nodes in endless sympathy for the wrong-doer while those truly affected silently wipe their tears and walk a lonely road only to fade away with a hot flush. I snap my fingers till they hurt but the star-dust is gone. The show over and the magic gone.
Reality check 1.
No one can be trusted not even your own self unless you have a full control over your heart and mind which is practically impossible.
Memories however insignificant now create a deluge where you find yourself being sucked in and you struggle and fight and go ever deeper into the darkest areas of your life. Areas which haunt you and torment you which question you for creating them in the first place.
The past stands before you like a demon with a million tentacles ready to pounce at the slightest movement.
The darkness of those vacant spaces is scary and even more scary is the lurking presence of something, someone from the past.
Past which has continued to walk beside present tiptoeing silently unheard, unseen but ever-present.
Rain torn days add fuel to the raging fire. Strange as it may seem. Water as fuel for fire. As surreal as the life itself .
I stayed in the dark for long… uncertain of the light and now the light has blinded me . My fears come true as the smoke clears and I see the amber from the cigarette butts slowing eating away into the fabric of life. I had forgotten to stub them. Now all I have is Ash.
Burnt out … at least to some extent if not completely. The warning bells rang loud, they seemed too obvious and went unnoticed or was it that I chose to close my ears to them. Blinded by Love .. not just that.. even deaf and when two of the vital senses collapse the third one does overtime. .. words like wild river break the banks and flood.. only to destroy.
Somewhere between the lighter shade of black and darker shade of white I was blinded.
“L’amour fou, the irresistible force that thrusts two people together and impossibility of their ever becoming one!”- Luis Bunuel
Can’t place where I read this but it stayed in my mind etched forever.
We question, we doubt, and most of the time are uncertain of ourselves more than the other person and before we get our bearing right we are done.
I was a dreamer who tried to write epics with fire in the air till yesterday when the dark engulfed me and the air wiped clean all that I had so lovingly composed.
Phone rings, conversations take place and in the end each one thinks what he /she had achieved .
Be careful what you wish for , careful of what you desire badly, careful of what you give up and what you get in return because when the world begins to crumble the fall is much deeper than you anticipate . What you think is the beginning might be the end and the end just a new beginning. Who knows what’s His game plan and we are just the pawns.
Now as I watch the fading shadows around me and reflect upon what went wrong I am clueless. Somethings are best left undiscovered because the more you stir a dying fire the greater are the chances of some spark turning into a flame and that could be the last thing I want at this moment.
Life has bared and untangled all the threads I hold dear and smacked my face with those I don’t. At least the hidden is revealed , naked truth of what we refer to as ever lasting relationship.