Monthly Archives: August 2010

An Autumn Sunset


Temple bells fade

Fragrance of jasmine blossoms

rises slowly

intoxicating the evening

My gaze

follows the hills

bathed in unusual shades of colors

meandering green hues

vibrant wild flowers

and fluttering prayer flags

reaching out to  heaven above

Amber light of setting sun

begins to merge in the lake below

making it shimmer like molten bronze

Igniting

fires of

illicit desires

Your thoughts travel

between our silences and words

your voice sings

emotions at pitch

I hear it clear

sensuous, delicate

robbed in one sense

but returning elsewhere

stronger, richer

I listen to the wind

softly blowing

whistling through the trees


I watch

as it rustles

and caresses each leaf

rolling beneath the twilight sky


I feel my heart slipping away

chasing the shadows

in the dark woods

Borrowing words from your old song

I  fill the emptiness inside

and escape into another world

Shadows of reality .. When things go wrong


Yesterday was a strange day. I planned it all out and ended up with a trail of incomplete tasks. It began with a forgotten mug of  morning coffee and led to burnt toasts, cold soggy breakfast, broken glass, unfinished chores, teary eyes and a broken heart.I made a simple meal that seemed unfit for human consumption and quietly tucked myself away with the laptop in the darkest corner of the bedroom.  The worse awaited me there as I opened my mail.

Sometimes one is put in a situation where you are either dammed or hanged and there is no middle way and no escape route. I stared my the hazy screen and tried to clear the mist rising in front of my eyes blurring the words I was reading.

With a sigh I closed my eyes and thought about what relationships mean. Is there any place for trust, longing , compassion, understanding, faith, caring or are these words  hollow and empty.  crucified  by the scheming minds or turned into slaves by those who never seem to go beyond the apparent . What is love ? What is lust? Passion, longing ? Why is it that a man  or a woman  gives in to desires that are illicit and murders the basic feeling of mutual admiration and love-making illusory dream castles over the graves of  what could have been a solid foundation for an everlasting bond.

Why sometimes the heart escapes and we lose all control over it and the devious mind laughs at our misery making it even more difficult to pull the reins and bring back the wandering fool. we make different choices and end up in the same way. Caught in the crossfire of my own emotions began to bleed.

There was a time I believed . Believed in the romance , in friendship, in connectivity, in words both said and unsaid  but now  it is a bit difficult to digest. People change colors to shame a chameleon at least he does it as a defense mechanism, they manipulate, twist and turn the events to their requirement, don’t shed a single tear of remorse for their doings and continue with their lives parading as victims in the eyes of the world and the world sees the drama unfold with blinkers on and nodes in endless sympathy for the wrong-doer while those truly affected silently wipe their tears and walk a lonely road only to fade away with a hot flush.  I snap my fingers till they hurt but the star-dust is gone. The show over and the magic gone.

Reality check 1.

No one can be trusted not even your own self unless you have a full control over your heart and mind which is practically impossible.

Memories however insignificant now  create a deluge where you find yourself being sucked in and you struggle and fight and go ever deeper into the darkest areas of your life. Areas which haunt you and torment you which question you for creating them in the first place.

The past stands before you like a demon with a million tentacles ready to pounce at the slightest movement.

The darkness of those vacant spaces is scary and even more scary is the lurking presence of something, someone from the past.

Past which has continued to walk beside present tiptoeing silently unheard, unseen but ever-present.

Rain torn days add fuel to the raging fire. Strange as it may seem. Water as fuel for fire. As surreal as the life itself .

I stayed in the dark for long… uncertain of the light and now the light has blinded me . My fears come true as the smoke clears and I see the amber from the cigarette butts slowing eating away into the fabric of life. I had forgotten to stub them. Now all I have is Ash.

Burnt out … at least to some extent if not completely.  The warning bells rang loud, they seemed too obvious and went unnoticed or was it that I chose to close my ears to them. Blinded by Love .. not just that.. even deaf  and when two of the vital senses collapse the third one does overtime. .. words like wild river break the banks and flood.. only to destroy.

Somewhere between the lighter shade of black and darker shade of white  I was blinded.

“L’amour fou, the irresistible force that thrusts two people together and  impossibility of their ever becoming one!”- Luis Bunuel

Can’t place where I read this but it stayed in my mind etched forever.

We question, we doubt, and most of the time are uncertain of ourselves more than the other person  and before we get our bearing right we are done.

I was a dreamer who tried to write epics with fire in the air till yesterday when the dark engulfed me and the air wiped clean all that I had so lovingly composed.

Phone rings, conversations take place and in the end each one thinks what he /she had achieved .

Be careful what you wish for , careful of what you desire badly, careful of what you give up and what you get in return because when the world begins to crumble the fall is much deeper than you anticipate . What you think is the beginning might be the end and the end just a new beginning. Who knows what’s His game plan and we are just the pawns.

Now as I watch the fading shadows around me and reflect upon what went wrong I am clueless. Somethings are best left undiscovered because the more you stir a dying fire the greater are the chances of some spark turning into a flame and that could be the last thing I want at this moment.

Life has bared and untangled all the threads I hold dear and smacked my face with those I don’t. At least the hidden is revealed , naked truth of what we refer to as ever lasting relationship.

Thursday Photo Challange


The Forbidden Fruit

The theme  for Thursday Photo Challenge is creativity and I could not resist posting this lovely work by my son.

This beautiful painting was created in Adobe Photoshop CS 4 using the simple soft brush and some basic filters.  You can see all his work on his site  Dark Star , the paintings are for sale if anyone want to use and are copyright protected. You can contact him at  adirocx@gmail.com

Please encourage the boy and leave your suggestions . They are valuable and will be appreciated .

It feels good to be a Blogeshwar :p


When I saw the  Blogeshwar page on Facebook it made me smile 😉 .. Nothing can beat the feeling of being appreciated by the readers and to win the Blogeshwar title twice in the first edition is certainly an awesome feeling.

Two of my posts won in  Blogeshwar 1.o

Here are the links

It pyz 2 enrich ur wrd pwr 😀 Lingo fkd

(Humor )

and

Being a daughter, old age and the empty nest

(Khichadi)

Will pick up some more books later 😀 greedy me :p

Thank you so much for this jesture of appreciation for my writing .

Thanks Himanshu Shekhar .

I got my gift from flipcart today . A book I wanted to read and add to my collection .

THE LOST SYMBOL  BY DAN BROWN

Will post the review after reading.

Thanks again to all my readers , judges ( Pankaj Batra and Stephen aka ‘Ste ) and friends.

Time to cuddle up with the book and a aromatic mug of coffee . 😉

Struggle : Haiku


 

stifled , silent cry,

ripples  echo  life song

an unsung struggle



{Say NO to Female Infanticide }


Originally I had written this as a Terset but changed it to make it into a Haiku . Here is the original one  .

stifled cry, silently screaming, ripples

echo a song of life, a death unsung

struggle for life cut short

*image courtsey Google*

Smoke Rings In The Dark


Lay down beside me

on the soft moist grass

Let’s gaze at the smoke rings

swirl and drift

lazily in  night

Roll it

light it

Inhale together

the mixed aromas

hold

and then

slowly exhale


Under the hazy veil

comfortably numb

float upon darkness

let go

shed all inhibitions

feel the warmth

seep slowly


rings of smoke

gliding

lingering

holding on

like my longing

to be with you


A feeling unexplained

whispered to the trees

and carried by the wind


Memories glowing

like an ember

and then

blown away


visions of you

in shades of blue

fading and merging

rising and falling

and then

rising again


I try to find

a spark of the flame that was

but all we have now

is a dream

turned into

smoke rings in the dark


Let me  kiss you

one last  time

for soon the dawn will break

and love will show us the way

to our separate graves

and I’ll gather pieces of my heart

and leave behind

just

the smoke rings in the dark

(image courtesy http://www.jcpe.tv/)

this is not poetry , it is prose run mad

63 Years of Freedom – What is this freedom we are talking about ?


This post is part of Blogadda Mera Bharat Mahan Contest

I am giving all my readers some food for thought on the eve of Independence day . Do read all the links please to understand  what I point I am making.

India Shining – celebrating the 63 years of freedom from ” British Raj” .

The whole country is singing patriotic songs , blogs are getting updated every second telling how proud we are to be Indians and how much we have achieved since that day in August 1947.

The question that comes to me again and again is , what is this freedom we are celebrating ? Is it just the transfer of power from British to Indian  or do we have something more ? Are we truly free nation, free thinking society ?

In a country where the great divides of the society tell a shameful story what are we celebrating any way? The economic, gender, cast based communal and religious  divides that have created the worst possible divides in the hearts of the masses.

We talk of AMAN KI ASHA ( read my poem)but when I talk to common people I still feel that the bitterness that brews in them in much worse than before. Hindu /Muslim divide even after so much awareness is till not sorted out in the hearts and minds of people .

The sweeper who   comes to take garbage  at our place does not drink water from the hands of a Muslim domestic help and that too low-caste Muslim. The attitude makes me sick and ashamed I try to convince but the beliefs rooted from centuries in masses are hard to wipe out .. the efforts still go on ..

We have bridged distances with advance technology but were we able to bridge the distance in the hearts of people ? The Brits went but we carried their slogan of Divide and rule and did justice to it fully and don’t you think it is shameful that the country is much more divided than it was 63 years back ? Separatism and then to top it separate stateism , what more is in store for this “Free nation “?

All the talk about  Women’s empowerment  { LINK } seems so hollow. The term “Women Empowerment ” has a lot of hot air fanned from this end to that end of the country for quite sometime now and nothing substantial has come out of it  other than discussions, speeches, talks by woman’s groups etc.

What have done to improve our society, to change the mind-set of the aam janta who still believes strongly in age-old dogmas, rituals that  are inhuman but still prevail in the name of religion like Witch Hunting honor killings and much more .

A country still where domestic violence , sexual abuse, Rape , malnutrition, poverty, unemployment and many such issues still stare at our face mocking us for all our tall claims. How can that country rejoice Independence in true sense?

Are we truly Independent

When our girls are killed before they are even born ? [ Link } { Link }

When thousands of children go through sexual ,  emotional abuse and there is no specific law for child abuse ? { Link }

When there is an urgent need to make the much awaited changes in the constitution ? Where one  has to question  what are the policy makers doing and for whom ?

When issues like Marital Rape and domestic violence ( male victims) are pushed under the carpet  and are best forgotten  because of social stigma and shame ?

When the masses are ignorant, confused, uneducated and don’t know whom to look up to for guidance and support , when people are dying due to lack of basic amenities like health ,food and shelter even drinking water ,  how can we celebrate freedom and from what ?

When we have census based on caste  what does one expect with this nation?

Do you feel proud today on hearing that  Indian Parliament members have criminal charges on them, “including human trafficking, immigration rackets, embezzlement, rape and even murder” all the time . At state level, things are often worse. People have lost faith in the efficiency of the system due to corruption at all levels. Power , judiciary all are just toys in the hands of some rich and powerful and average person is still figuring out what’s this all about .

What kind of freedom is this where every day there are a ” million mutinies ” Read this TOI article by my brother to know how our country is under siege which is brewing within at a colossal cost of blood and resources .

Who is responsible for the farmers committing  suicides in Orissa and other places and the cast based atrocities all over the country ?

Do we ever ponder about these issues  and actually do something about it – positively  and not just talk or write about them.

How many of us Be the change  they want to see ?

We are free to make our own choices but do we have a choice really ???

and when we do have it  then

Do we make that choice to stand against and fight for injustice and all the evils that infest our minds and in same way our society ?

We send hundreds of messages , mails , blog on Independence Day , congratulate and rejoice  but we hardly spare a thought on issues which are dirty to look at but  are the stark realities of today’s India ?

Till when will we live in a denial mode? Who are we fooling?

I am writing this article today  to roll the carpet on which we have danced, dined and drank to celebrate our country’s Independence Day for so long never bothering  to look beneath . Just as we are criminally indifferent to many other aspects of life including introspection  we are indifferent by choice  to look at those glaring issues that need to be  removed from the core.

I hope when you are through  with reading this  at least in one of you something will stir within and that will be the first step to freedom.. true freedom .. shedding all that is not you , that which needs to be wiped clean and not pushed behind the door.

If our minds , our hearts are in bondage and we have not learned in 63 years how to use the freedom  we got with so many sacrifices then we have  no reason to say I AM A PROUD INDIAN

I would love to have this gift from pingoo

vote for this post on Indivine

When words turn strangers … RIP Tejaswee Rao


In remembrance of our dearest friend IHM‘s daughter Tejaswee

In our hearts forever

Born: 19th Jan 1991.

Died: 11th Aug 2010.


Some days are such when words turn stranger and we are rendered speechless , when thoughts freeze and one feels the numbness slowly seep through in the body. Pain… loss.. grief… and the circle of life from birth to death to rebirth and again …

Today is one such day..

Death you winged thief

you steal those closest to our heart and yet stand defeated on our feet

for those we love truly live closer than before

in memories, in heart, in small moments of tears and laughter, joys and sorrow shared together.

you take with you nothing … the body goes back to where it came and the soul … beautiful than ever before is released , set free to fly to the unknown …

When you die, you release your energy and with that energy your whole life’s experience.

Whatsoever you have been – sad, happy, loving, angry, passionate, compassionate – whatsoever you have been, that energy carries the vibrations of your whole life. I agree with Osho  but then something still snaps within .. Is it something about being a woman , a mother , about the umbilical cord  joined with the child you give birth too.. no I don’t think it is the umbilical cord .. it is something deeper that bleeds unseen… flows in the tears … and then they dry … but inside the wound remains raw …forever… the ache … the desire , longing to hold your loved one again to turn the cycle of time… but… life goes on .. every moment …

A silent tear rolls down …and then all is still… inside and outside…

I decided to write this remembering that a beautifully lived life stays fragrant forever ..


Friday the 13th

On Death

Kahlil Gibran

You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honor.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.