Like a vision
you arise from my dreams
and fill my soul with the
fragrance of your sensuous body
your soft tresses flow
like velvety clouds
over the full moon
Entranced, I let
the magic of your love
fill my senses
like a whiff of
“even lust and envy sleep, but love denies rest to my soul and slumber to my eyes” ...Dryden
I opened my scarf set free the fireflies and sprinkled the star-dust around me. Memories of love interrupted began to sparkle in the dark of the moonless night. Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes.
Summer love .. the stolen moments of togetherness in secret places and the spirit rebellious struggling to break free. There is nothing more intoxicating than the first love. Irrespective of how old or how young one is, it sweeps you off your feet and surface in the form of a warm smile the moment you close your eyes years later and the tell-tale signs of stolen kisses, like crushed strawberry stains, emerge as a crimson hue on your cheeks.
Oh! what a delight is the memory of first love.
She was sixteen or seventeen and madly in love. His eyes shone so bright that they were almost black like that night when they met under the Kadamb tree.
Her gaze followed him where ever he went. She was sure he knew he was being watched and that gave her immense pleasure.
The house was full of relatives and stealing that perfect moment was becoming difficult. She knew that if she was given a wish she also had the power to make it true.
Her heart skipped a beat every time he brushed past her. A subtle, delicate, delicious feeling filled her from to hair. Sensuous, sultry heady rush. The sheer exhilaration of being alive. She spent the day in a state of euphoria. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach and she glowed and smiled feeling beautiful within, warmed by the love that radiated from his heart to hers.
The orange disk of the sun was slowly melting behind the lush green hills and a lurid shade of darkness was beginning to blot the serene twilight. Summer evenings are so romantic, she smiled to herself.
The birds were returning home and a somber uniformed hue of darkness was descending over the trees. The moon winded around the cliffs and traveled along its broken pathway, it’s light intercepted by the branches of the deep shady trees.
I closed my eyes and said to myself the lines from Richard Bach’s book, ” I am a sorceress and when I open my eyes I will see the world I have created and for which only I and only I am solely responsible.”
The dogs were barking in eager excitement. I peered into the darkness, my eyes scanning the entire length of trees and the compound. Then I heard him whistle. My heart was close to busting . A pleasing warmth started to travel from behind my ears to the entire length of my body. I held the mirror stand as my knees went weak. what was happening to me? we had been together since childhood and never such emotions had taken over me.
I calmed myself and strolled out of the room avoiding the chit-chat and glances of my mother and other relatives.
once out I raced out to the porch and looked around. Breathless with an unknown excitement.
I could see his silhouette along with the dogs moving towards the group of trees at the far end. He turned and waved at me. My heart skipped a beat. without loosing a moment I ran to meet him. I felt stupid and excited at the same time. I had no control over my actions and like a woman under influence of some spirit I simply followed my heart.
We walked together in silence. The dogs happily jumping all around. They were ferocious big beasts tamed to perfection by him. The night was beautiful but the entire beauty of that magic was lost on me. I moved along with him aware of his warm breath and the closeness between us.
It was feeling which has remained with me till today. Unexplained, erotic yet romantic in all its innocence. Our fingers touched and moved away and that fraction of a second sent ripples all over me.
we had reached the far end of the path and past the bamboo groove. He turned to pull the leash of one of the grey hounds and froze for a second. What happened after that took me complete by surprise. A short subdued instruction silenced the dogs and slowly they all melted away into the thicket. Before I could open my mouth, he pulled me under the Kadamb tree away from the moonlight. His finger on my lips I looked into his deep large eyes surprised by all this action. His soft gaze held me captive and I allowed myself to melt away. Was my dream taking shape here ? The thought sent an electric impulse down my spine.
He motioned me to remain absolutely silent and still. We were just a few inched apart and my heartbeat was rapid, my cheeks flushed. Was he going to hold me and kiss me? The imagination took wings and my mind became a colorful kaleidoscope of what was could take place under the bejeweled summer sky. Fireflies danced in his eyes and mine.
We were aware of our unsaid feelings. The eyes said what the lips couldn’t. My throat was parched and I could not stand still. He stepped a little closer. I don’t know for how long we just stood there. Our hearts beating inches apart. Our bodies flushed. Our breath and dreams merging together. The sexual chemistry was electrifying yet we did not touch. Held in time by that perfect moment we stood Silent and still.
Why doesn’t he take me in his arms and do what he is supposed to do?, I was getting impatient.
As if reading my mind he smiled and his eyes shone mischievously. I blushed and tried to back away a little. His fingers slipped into mine and clasped them tightly. I buckled but caught myself in time.
” let’s go for a stroll “, he whispered.
The magical moment ended abruptly and I suddenly woke up to reality. The dogs heard his slow whistle and came bouncing from nowhere.
we came out of our lair and stepped on the gravel path leading to the hills. He was a mind reader. “Dad must have seen you racing like a woman possessed and followed you to some distance” he laughed.
I simply giggled at the thought like a silly teenager but from inside got horrified at the prospect of being found out.
Some moments in life are such sinful delights.
We walked the entire length of the moonlit path and back covered in star-dust. At the gate he told me to quietly enter the building while he went to put some of the dogs in their cages. I did not want this night to end but he planted a soft kiss on my eyelids and whispered ,” good night love, now rush or someone will come”. I smiled and faded away in the darkness of the corridor.
In my room, I folded my thoughts and placed them under my pillow. With a glowing heart I placed myself in the lap of comfort and let sleep take over from there.
Today as I write about it I watch the night sky and see a star shinning brilliantly outside my window.. the star that was once my love. I smile and blow a kiss and watch it twinkle mischievously.
We needed no words, no actions to express our love for each other. The eyes said it all.
“Is there anything in the world sadder than a train standing in the rain?”
Love… The very word warmed me all over and I basked in the glory of the thought that the feeling was mutual.. for once it was not an one sided affair. Under the bejeweled sky I began to serenade, a song which rose from the depth of my very being. The night silently listened.
Something changed overnight. Every moment became an irreplaceable miracle. I became conscious of people’s stares. Was I looking different , I often checked into the mirror and saw the fireflies dance in my eyes. Was it the color of the thousands of candles lit in my heart that had risen to my cheeks or it simple was the thought of you? I don’t know.
I began to write. The hues from the skies and the seas, the various shades from the red maple to the moist velvety green of the hills covered in morning mist ran wild in my verses. Suddenly you colored my world with unthinkable variations of reds, blues, greens, whites, pinks and yellows. The phantom man who haunted and inspired each word, who controlled the dancing fingers on my keyboard.
My emotions rose and fell like the waves of the ocean, taking me along on end endless rhapsody of life. My soul left my body and danced among the sand dunes..liberated. It’s swirling movements and soft taps echoed with my heartbeats.
Passion flowered under the deepest darkest corners of my life as you watered the tiny saplings of love in me. It seemed like a dream within a dream.. absolutely unbelievable yet true. I flowed like a wild river, rushing to meet you at every bank and every turn, full of hopes, dreams, joys and promises.
Your love like the mellow warmth of the winter sun thawed my frozen heart and rejuvenated it. I was alive.
The time like a winged thief stole the most magical moments of my life. In my insanity of the new found love I forgot to see that I was travelling the path alone. Somehwere you had changed your path and left me dancing to the echoes.
As I watched the shadows of gloom descend and envelope everything that surrounded me. The hushed bliss had turned into a morgue like silence. The river had lost it’s youthful rhythm … the ripples were there but soon they would be gone too.
I began to gather the broken pieces of my heart. the sand beneath my tender naked feet began to burn. the blisters bled and a trail of crimson footprints began to take shape as I ran after what was mirage.
I could not let go. No, it was not true, it could not be. In the dark recesses of my mind your love was still moist and warm breathing life into whatever remained of my ravaged self.
In every winter’s heart, there is a quivering spring, behind the veil of each night, there is a smiling dawn, is that not what you used to day .
Where is my dawn ? Why am I scared of the night which brought the best in me for you.
I try to still myself, to control my breath and the thoughts. The night is stained with the memories of lost love, of deception, broken promises, guilt, excuses and hurt. The sunsets that I chased make me weep. The moon, which we both saw from our windows across the oceans and the deserts and saw each other in it, vacantly stares from the raven sky. My heart looses track and I try to listen in vain for those millions of heartbeats when I merged into you. They all seem to have melted away.
Autumn has left the trees bare just like my heart. I watch each leaf, dried and crunchy, slowly glide to the ground like my desires and dreams and see it get piled up, crushed and then scattered away with the wind.
Splinters of memories dig deep through my soul, leaving it bloody and bruised. The day goes by in doing various mundane tasks but it’s the nights that bring the agony and the pain. It still makes me alive but with different emotions. Tears that sparkled on my eyelashes in the brilliance of your love now burn the skin as they roll down ceaselessly like the lava from the volcano. The whirlpool of emotions, feeling that are trapped within, memories that jostle with each other create such a havoc inside me while a smile struggles through the frozen tears to face the outside world.
Gaping spaces yearn to be filled, the fruitless life longs for that dawn of hope. All in vain.
Where did we err?
I wonder what happened to the little notes of love that I wrote. Are they tucked away somewhere in the crevices, tear stained and crumpled, forgotten.
I look around the sand dunes and the emptiness around me . In the dust filled sky , your faint outline on the horizon lifts my dying spirit. Are you a mirage or just a distance not traveled? I gather the remaining stardust in my hands and under the faint light of the moon, which limply hung from the torn garment of the night sky, I began to struggle through the shifting sand grains.
I hear your voice though distorted. at times it’s different, like that of a complete stranger. I follow my instincts. There is nothing more to lose. All that I had was given to you with complete trust and devotion. Now with a torn, trailing veil of memories I seek you.
The dust of dreams leaves one thirsty,I try to ignore the feeling and as one dream another rises. I follow them relentlessly, hoping to reach you.
I lose when I count how many times I reached out to you and cried out your name.
The asphyxiating silence prevails.. I don’t know how many dreams will end before I find you again but hope is a miraculous thing at least for me for it keeps my life strings attached to you. Maybe someday I will be able to cover the distance between us or maybe you will go wandering back into the corridors of memory, find me there and breath life into my soul.
The night has fallen again, the cool breeze seeps inside me as I watch the dark sky where clouds drift like distant dreams. I wonder if you will ever read this but I know that the breeze will carry the fragrance of the passion flowers to you and maybe, rekindle the flame from the ashes of our love.