Hot and Spicy Punjabi Wedding


The dhoom dharaka of the Delhi’s designated wedding season is on. Very few auspicious days, shortage of venues, too many people tying the knot and the gold hitting 18,000 mark per 10grms, is a reason to worry for many. Still Delhi saw approximately 32,000 shadis on Dec 13. Endless Traffic jams, loud music, fire crackers, jittery mares doing double, triple shifts is a common sight and braving all that chaos I decided to attend a Punjabi big fat wedding.

Punjabi weddings are a mixture of agony and ecstasy. A blend of flamboyance, extravaganza , fun and laughter along with great food and not to be missed “Aunty ji” and “Uncle Ji” all decked up as if they have just stepped out of a show window of some designer shop. Loud and lavish , that’s what a good Panju Shadi is.

Here everything happens on IST that is Indian stretchable time.

Pretty young things in sexy backless cholis and latest eye catching western outfits ready to charm the smartly dressed lads. The idea is to make the most and be merry till the time permits. Weddings are a great time for match making and for exchanging numbers. The latest trend is promising to add each other on the social networking sites like FB.

The aunties make a dash for the snack counter the moment they hit the venue and over the bowls of hot soups and chicken tikkas the conversation becomes something like this

Aunty 1 -” Hello ji ki hal chal, bade dino bad dikkhe tusi. Badi soni sari hai , kiththon litti “?

Aunty 2- ” Really ji ! Inhone di hamari wedding anniversary pe. Pure silk hai ji , order te banwayi si khas occassion vaste”.
tusi bhi bada trendy set paya hua hai. ”

Aunty1-” Amrika (America) to laye si Dolly de papa . You know hum wo to bahar foren tour pe jate rehte hain na ” Diamond hai pure .”

Aunty 3- ” Hello ji kaise ho, kab de rahe ho khushkabri, nu ( daughter in law) badi pyari hai ji aapki. Kab due hai baby?”

Aunty 2 -” O thank you ji, badi changi family hai ji. Ladki bhi soni hai, working hai par aajkal chutti par hai. Abhi to time hai chautha maheena hai”

Aunty 1-” achcha , lagta nahi , maintain kar rakhha hai. ”

The group diversifies the conversation to the bitching of their DIL’s and other things.

Just my bad luck that one of them spots me.

Me -” Namste aunty ji ”

Aunty 5 ” O tenu ki ho gaya , badi madi lag rahi hai, suna sas saura aai hai Amreeka to” (She gives a naughty knowing smile) .. to phir aak kal to khoob seva ka meva mil raha hoga .( she laughs at her own joke ) Apni sehat ka bhi dhyan rakhha kar kudiye , kinni kamzor ho gayi hai”

Me -” hanji .” I reply in a monosyllable , tryin to avoid the topic . She is not ready to give up .

“Aur bata bachche kaise hain . kya kar rahe hain aaj kal, bade din bad dekha tujhe . Hame to bhool hi gaye tum log”

Me-” Nahi ji aaisi baat nahi ” I try and locate my elder one who is totally pissed off at this uncalled for intrusion. He breaks up from a bunch of babes and comes to meet the Aunty, giving m that famous “I will kill ya for this mom ” look .

He touches feet and greets

” Oh My God kinna bada ho gaya ye, ye tera bada wala mundda hai na , inna sa siga jad main last dekhya si ” O ji how time flies na ” Kya kar rahe ho puttar ji “?

Adi-” Animation and visual effect ” He replies holding back his displeasure at all the cheek pulling and other baby stuff.

“Wo to theek hai par kar kya rahe ho, college wollege ?

” Ji graduation kar raha hun ”

” Sona haiga tera munda. oye girl friend hai na teri ?” She winked and laughed displaying her lipstick covered front teeth.

It was time to butt in. ” Oh he has a great fan following. each day brings a new surprise.”

It was a juicy topic for her to ponder and chew.

The younger one calls him on his mobile as a rescue mission and before the next volley of questions Adi excuses himself , leaving me in the company of highly decorated aunties with deep neck blouses that give a good look at the ample cleavages ans lips as red as the vintage wine.

I desperately look for someone to rescue me from this torture and spot an old buddy.

Between the question answer session I sms him and he arrives as my savior.

Amidst all the ho halla of the noisy lot I make my much needed exit and gulp the vodka he is carrying

That makes me feel human again. Uncomfortable in my heavy silk clothes and jewelery I curse my stars for getting caught at the aunty junction.

We catch up with old friends and for some time let the spirit of the Panjabi shadi take over. Drinks , khana , jokes, laughter, old pals and lot of dance masti follows.

We all settle down at far end of the venue away from the madding crowd, reliving the old memories while the dudes take full advantage of our absence and try to woo some “totas” .

I watch them having gala time dancing and chatting away with the ever ready girls who have themselves found a breather from their over anxious parents.

The daru and khana flows and the DJ does his best to cope up with the enthusiastic dancers.

The poor guy ,an old pal, called one of us to make a large drink for him. Tired of playing the same F***ing old song for the 10th time He decided to hand over the reins to his junior and join us.

As the night became more lively , I decided to pay a visit to the nervous bride surrounded by fussy relatives, friends and in laws.

” I need a joint and a large drink man, I feel like an item girl right now. can you arrange for a coke tadka mar ke ” she winked and whispered to me, giving fake smiles to the newly related Buas, massis, uncles, aunties and countless cousins, nieces and nephews .

I felt sorry for the girl.

Her mom , who was hovering like a satellite around her refused any such treat.

“Na beta abhi nahi, make up kharab hoga aur abhi sare guest hain na changa nahi lagega . thosi der bad la dena ”

I sighed and left her to tackle the situation herself.

The groom was merrily having a drink with some close pals and cousins etc. We updated him on his beloved plight and within moments some refreshment and hot coffee was served to her by pampering Mom in law.

Rare sight but he is a new age dulha bhai and MIL too got a chance to show off her new found love for the bahu.

Suddenly I saw Aunty 1 heading towards the gang trying to balance her large frame on the heal wali sandals. Feeling nauseated by the thought of another onslaught of hello ji ki hal and the rest of it, I made a dash to the food counter which was infested by hoggers who were piling food on their plates as if there was no tomorrow.

I overheard a fat and colorful aunty confiding to a young starved lady,

” You know aajkal main diet par hun only diet coke for me. No sugar no fat ”

We both stared at the plateful of delicacies and she, sensing our dilemma, laughed ” O ye .. aji shadi byah me na khaya to kab khaya ..kal gym jakar sab utaar lenge. aaj to bas mauj karo khao piyo aish karo ”

I smiled at the simple joys of life and moved on to get yet another drink.

The atmosphere was hot and spicy with gorgeous women, overflowing booze and food, dance and music and friends.

Carrying the shagan ka lifafa we headed towards the stage where the couple was seated. Light , camera, action. Cleck and we all gave big smiles hugging each other . The bride looked radiant even after braving a long night under the winter sky. I kissed her goodnight and collected my bachcha party which was huddled in a secluded area enjoying food with new found loves.

It was around three. We did not wait for the Vidayi . It was an overwhelming experience. One such wedding is enough to drain out the juices in you. I felt happy to be back in my car heading for home sweet home.

The Punjabi wedding hiatus was over. I was fully loaded with Smirnoff thanks to some great pals. Boys were happy to get some PYT s on their Mobiles and hubby desperate to reach home and hit the sack.

Held Captive by..



Words hold me captive

unheard, unsaid words

silent cold words

with sharp, jagged edges

pointed words

smoldering hurting words

words dancing in dizzy circles

clogging words

imaginary, jumbled up words

words rising in my insomniac mind

dormant words

words throbbing, pulsating, vibrantly alive

unemotional, impersonal words

shallow words

hollow words

claustrophobic words

limp lifeless words

heart wrenching words

superfluous words

melting words

fiery words

frozen words

lucid words

caged words

dark words

assertive words

mocking laughing outlaws

dry, shriveled words

murky words

entangled words

unexpected words

pungent words

futile words

momentary words

suggestive words

words lurking in the dark

smoky, blurred, shady words

carefully crafted

chiseled words

distant words

persuasive words

incredibly dramatic words

evaporating words

flawless fluidity

passionate words

love laced noncommittal words

panting, exhausting orgasmic words

hurried words

flattering words

irrevocable words

fabricated words

discolored words

strained words

tainted words- crimson

words that flatter your ego

contradictory words

rearranged words

Word Trap- tormenting, deliberate, schemed

ghosts of words

that tap my shoulders and follow me in the dark

fragrant intoxicating words

i am Imprisoned, held captive by your words

whirlpool

twister

ECHOS

too many words …

-Tiku 22.11.2009

(Image courtesy internet)

Winterlicious :)


The winter is slowly setting in and while there is still time to cuddle into warm blankets and quilts the time has come to dig into winter favorites.

There is no better place than a warmly lit, sunny kitchen for those who love to cook, bake and relish the amazing winter delights. The sun rays drifting from the mesh windows of my kitchen have been tempting me to start with my winter cooking and the first on list was Gaajar ka halwa. With two ravenous wolves as sons , I really had tough time handling the non ending tasting sessions.

Winter in Delhi brings out all the possible colors in the fruit and vegetable market and it is fun to shop. The different kinds of greens, carrots, pumpkins, radishes, both white and red, a vast variety of salad material, coriander and mint for chutney and Indian Gooseberry for pickle, the market has it all. Then there are delicious apples, oranges, maltas, guavas for jams , jellies and marmalade. Peanut butter is a must on the breakfast table every day and as the weather changes that’s the first thing to be made.

There is no end to what magic one can do with so many ingredients. One just needs to let the imagination go wild.

The place is set now for sarson ka sag with makki ki roti, bhakhri and bajra roties, various kinds of stuffed parathas with butter and pickles, thalipeeth, sabudana vadas and khichadi, vada pao, pao bhaji, hot rasams and aviyals.

Chutneys, murrabas, guava jelly, apple gooseberry jam, seasonal pickles and last but not the least mithais of all sort.

Tasty, Nutritious and power packed.

Every winter we all sit around on lazy afternoons munching peanuts, rewaries, gajak , til ke ladoo and many such delicacies. The mouth watering stuff comes from special shops and not just any shop round the corner. There is a special shop in North Delhi from where the winter delicacies come. Sesame and Jaggery both are beneficial for health in winter season and very nutritious. Peanuts and dry fruits add to the taste and flavor.

I myself make ladoos and panjeeri at home. It used to be a great family association time with each member putting some effort to make those time consuming delights but now I do it alone and in small quantity. ( as if it helps ..sigh!)

I discovered that the black carrot halwa is much more scrumptious than the red one. Not many people know about it. 😉

It feels so good to see the smile of content and pleasure on the faces of the kids as they attack the whole range of goodies.

It’s more fun making than eating. For me it is therapeutic too. At one time I used to make apple pies, apple crumbles, etc but now have limited myself to regular stuff.

One thing that makes winter in Dilli special is roasted sweet potatoes (shakar kandi) and pop corns. No winter day is complete without it. Dates are my favorites and since childhood the best thing to munch has been puffed rice or Gur- chana which is high in Iron content too. I find it much better than the chips and wafers.

I want to share my recipe for quick, healthy and filling laddoos which can be kept for a long time.

Have fun

Whole Moong Dal and Atta Ladoos

1cup roasted and finely ground Whole Moong Dal

2Cups – Whole Wheat Flour

Ghee- just enough for binding

1/2 cup Dry Fruits – Walnuts, almonds, cashew nuts all finely chopped and raisins

3-4 small cardamoms – freshly ground

1 cup Bhoora Cheeni ( according to taste)

method :

Dry Roast Green moong dal on low flame till slightly brown. Remove from heat and grind finely. Keep aside.

Dry Roast Atta till golden brown and the aroma starts coming.

Mix the moong dal powder properly in it.

Add hot Ghee just enough to bind the mixture. Roast for some more time till light brown in color

The mixture should give out a nice roasted aroma.

Remove from heat and let it cool slightly.

Add boora cheeni ( best for ladoos and healthy too) and dry fruits

Add cardamom powder.

Mix well and make small ladoos while the mixture is slightly hot

Let them cool on a tray and then store in a container.

Eating one such ladoo a day gives you a lot of energy for the day.

So go ahead and make your own. while I go back to my den and think of some new dish for today.

Enjoy !!!

There is one more thing that I make for kids

High Energy Bar

Method –

Take oatmeal, different dry fruits, peanuts, raisins etc., flax seeds or any other seeds. you can also put dried figs, dried cherries or any such ingredient of your choice.

Slightly roast them and crush them roughly.

mix honey into the mixture till everything is nicely covered. The mixture shouls be soft but not sloppy or lumpy.

Take an aluminum foil make a bar or a roll as thick as your finger and freeze.

Later it can be kept in the fridge also.

One can make many variations of energy bars and have them as quick snacks.

May my heart always be open to little: E.E.Cummings


May my heart always be open to little

May my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it’s sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there’s never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

ee cummings (October 14, 1894 – September 3, 1962)

(Image courtesy Internet)

I carry your heart with me :E.E.Cummings


Born on October 14, 1894 in the town of Cambridge Massachusetts e.e.cummings is one of my most loved poets. He is so inspiring and emotionally stimulating. I will be sharing some of his poems here.

Enjoy the experience.

i carry your heart with me by e.e.cummings (1894 – 1962).
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars
apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

( Image courtesy Internet)

Delicious Dilli Nights


Winter is the best time to explore and enjoy the night life of Delhi. For foodies like me winter brings an opportunity to relish the dizzying range of street food. Imagine having a hot ” kadak” chai with anda parathas ( egg parathas) of Moolchand paranthewala near Moolchand flyover close to vikram hotel at 12 in the night or for that matter any parathas at Jain ka dhaba in CP. The piping hot parathas with a dollop of butter is the best sight on a cold foggy winter night. The only other warmth that one feels is that of friends.

It is an amazing experience to drive along the dark roods of the capital with a few close friends amidst laughter, jokes, music and chitchat. I can never forget the amazing time we used to have all covered in colorful woolens, with a pre mix ready in the car ..(BTW a premix is either rum n cola or vodka and 7up) 😀 stopping by the roadside dhabha and eating scrumptious Dal makhani, parathas , tandoori chicken and many such sinful delights.

The night adventures are not for the diet conscious. I remember heading for Dhabas at Murthal (on NH1 after sonipat). Though they serve only veg food it is worth the drive. In fact there are quite a few very good dhabas that are open all night near Delhi Gurgaon border and Kapashera Border. At one time the Kapashera border dhabas used to serve ‘bater'(quail) also which is banned now.

Our favorite joint used to be “Chinar” at Delhi Gurgaon Border. The food, ambience and service is great. We had some memorable late light gatherings there. It sure is a big hit with BPO crowd and hoteliers who head for a relaxed meal after a gruelling work shift.
The remembrance of the trips made to places outside indian oil building for parathas still make me nostalgic. For anda parathas green park was the favorite place. we also went to Comsum just outside Nizamuddin Railway station. Though it doesn’t qualify in the street food category but when you want food at 3:30 am that’s the place to be in.

Nizamuddin area is heaven for those who love non- vegetarian food. For mouth-watering mutton tikkas, shammi kebaabs and seekh kebaabs and sweet Phirni in a clay platter is worth a try. There are so many great food joints here that one should really brave the rush and find the one which suits our needs. On Thursdays apart from great food one can even catch some Qawwalis session at Nizamuddin Darghah along with sinfully delightful qormas, biryanis etc.

One place I loved to go and still do is “Ganga Dhaba ” at JNU campus. Like my friend used to say ” this dhaba is world-famous in Delhi “. 🙂 It sure is my kind of place.A battleground for all sort of intellectual debates, a hot spot during university elections, a perfect relaxation joint for friends. The place has it all. The wholesome parathas, endless cups of chai , Alloo bonda, pakodas and shikanji ( sweet or salted lemon water) in summers under the night sky is an unforgettable experience.

A trip down memory lane takes me to the galees and kuchas of Chandini Chawk. Kareem’s( since 1913), Parathewali gali, and many of Delhi’s oldest and most famous food joints are in the walled city and in the days of Ramadan the place is buzzing with food lovers. The sight is enough to put you in a dizzying aromatic experience. Parathewali Gali has the most amazing concoctions of a paranthas ranging from Plain paranthas, salted or sweet paranthas, dal (pulses) ka parantha, gobhi ka parantha (minced cauliflower), radish parantha, pudina parantha (mint), popadom parantha, cashew nut parantha – the variety is endless. One even gets a sinful 16 layered paratha with butter and dahi or lassi .. Nirvana for someone who loves her food.

A night stroll near Jama Masjid can get you to some amazing food places.The place warms up for a long evening at the time when birds are returning to their homes on the lush trees in the area and shopkeepers, tired from their work, are pulling up the shutters for the night. The aroma of sumptuous fish tikkas, kebabs,mutton qormas, biryanis, Haleem, and in sweets jalebis, firni(rice pudding) in earthen bowls and sevion ka muzzaffar fill the night air, luring you to the hundreds of hand carts and small shops with 300 watt bulbs and colorful banners. The hustle bustle refuses to die down even at the mid night hour. By 1:30 slowly and unwillingly the foodies bid farewell to this place and the silent shadows of night take over the streets.

I feel nostalgic writing this post. Some of the most memorable moments of my life were spent roaming the lanes and by lanes of Delhi with friends , an experience which is etched in my heart forever.

Summer love 1:Fireflies and stardust


“even lust and envy sleep, but love denies rest to my soul and slumber to my eyes” ...Dryden

I opened my scarf set free the fireflies and sprinkled the star-dust around me. Memories of love interrupted began to sparkle in the dark of the moonless night. Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes.

Summer love .. the stolen moments of togetherness in secret places and the spirit rebellious struggling to break free. There is nothing more intoxicating than the first love. Irrespective of how old or how young one is, it sweeps you off your feet and surface in the form of a warm smile the moment you close your eyes years later and the tell-tale signs of stolen kisses, like crushed strawberry stains, emerge as a crimson hue on your cheeks.

Oh! what a delight is the memory of first love.

She was sixteen or seventeen and madly in love. His eyes shone so bright that they were almost black like that night when they met under the Kadamb tree.

Her gaze followed him where ever he went. She was sure he knew he was being watched and that gave her immense pleasure.

The house was full of relatives and stealing that perfect moment was becoming difficult. She knew that if she was given a wish she also had the power to make it true.

Her heart skipped a beat every time he brushed past her. A subtle, delicate, delicious feeling filled her from to hair. Sensuous, sultry heady rush. The sheer exhilaration of being alive. She spent the day in a state of euphoria. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach and she glowed and smiled feeling beautiful within, warmed by the love that radiated from his heart to hers.

The orange disk of the sun was slowly melting behind the lush green hills and a lurid shade of darkness was beginning to blot the serene twilight. Summer evenings are so romantic, she smiled to herself.

The birds were returning home and a somber uniformed hue of darkness was descending over the trees. The moon winded around the cliffs and traveled along its broken pathway, it’s light intercepted by the branches of the deep shady trees.

I closed my eyes and said to myself the lines from Richard Bach’s book, ” I am a sorceress and when I open my eyes I will see the world I have created and for which only I and only I am solely responsible.”

The dogs were barking in eager excitement. I peered into the darkness, my eyes scanning the entire length of trees and the compound. Then I heard him whistle. My heart was close to busting . A pleasing warmth started to travel from behind my ears to the entire length of my body. I held the mirror stand as my knees went weak. what was happening to me? we had been together since childhood and never such emotions had taken over me.

I calmed myself and strolled out of the room avoiding the chit-chat and glances of my mother and other relatives.
once out I raced out to the porch and looked around. Breathless with an unknown excitement.

I could see his silhouette along with the dogs moving towards the group of trees at the far end. He turned and waved at me. My heart skipped a beat. without loosing a moment I ran to meet him. I felt stupid and excited at the same time. I had no control over my actions and like a woman under  influence of some spirit I simply followed my heart.

We walked together in silence. The dogs happily jumping all around. They were ferocious big beasts tamed to perfection by him. The night was beautiful but the entire beauty of that magic was lost on me. I moved along with him aware of his warm breath and the closeness between us.

It was feeling which has remained with me till today. Unexplained, erotic yet romantic in all its innocence. Our fingers touched and moved away and that fraction of a second sent ripples all over me.

we had reached the far end of the path and past the bamboo groove. He turned to pull the leash of one of the grey hounds and froze for a second. What happened after that took me complete by surprise. A short subdued instruction silenced the dogs and slowly they all melted away into the thicket. Before I could open my mouth, he pulled me under the Kadamb tree away from the moonlight. His finger on my lips I looked into his deep large eyes surprised by all this action. His soft gaze held me captive and I allowed myself to melt away. Was my dream taking shape here ? The thought sent an electric impulse down my spine.

He motioned me to remain absolutely silent and still. We were just a few inched apart and my heartbeat was rapid, my cheeks flushed. Was he going to hold me and kiss me? The imagination took wings and my mind became a colorful kaleidoscope of what was could take place under the bejeweled summer sky. Fireflies danced in his eyes and mine.

We were aware of our unsaid feelings. The eyes said what the lips couldn’t. My throat was parched and I could not stand still. He stepped a little closer. I don’t know for how long we just stood there. Our hearts beating inches apart. Our bodies flushed. Our breath and dreams merging together. The sexual chemistry was electrifying yet we did not touch. Held in time by that perfect moment we stood Silent and still.

Why doesn’t he take me in his arms and do what he is supposed to do?, I was getting impatient.

As if reading my mind he smiled and his eyes shone mischievously. I blushed and tried to back away a little. His fingers slipped into mine and clasped them tightly. I buckled but caught myself in time.

” let’s go for a stroll “, he whispered.

The magical moment ended abruptly and I suddenly woke up to reality. The dogs heard his slow whistle and came bouncing from nowhere.

we came out of our lair and stepped on the gravel path leading to the hills. He was a mind reader. “Dad must have seen you racing like a woman possessed and followed you to some distance” he laughed.

I simply giggled at the thought like a silly teenager but from inside got horrified at the prospect of being found out.

Some moments in life are such sinful delights.

We walked the entire length of the moonlit path and back covered in star-dust. At the gate he told me to quietly enter the building while he went to put some of the dogs in their cages. I did not want this night to end but he planted a soft kiss on my eyelids and whispered ,” good night love, now rush or someone will come”. I smiled and faded away in the darkness of the corridor.

In my room, I folded my thoughts and placed them under my pillow. With a glowing heart I placed myself in the lap of comfort and let sleep take over from there.

Today as I write about it I watch the night sky and see a star shinning brilliantly outside my window.. the star that was once my love. I smile and blow a kiss and watch it twinkle mischievously.

We needed no words, no actions to express our love for each other. The eyes said it all.

mirage


“Is there anything in the world sadder than a train standing in the rain?”

Love… The very word warmed me all over and I basked in the glory of the thought that the feeling was mutual.. for once it was not an one sided affair. Under the bejeweled sky I began to serenade, a song which rose from the depth of my very being. The night silently listened.

Something changed overnight. Every moment became an irreplaceable miracle. I became conscious of people’s stares. Was I looking different , I often checked into the mirror and saw the fireflies dance in my eyes. Was it the color of the thousands of candles lit in my heart that had risen to my cheeks or it simple was the thought of you? I don’t know.

I began to write. The hues from the skies and the seas, the various shades from the red maple to the moist velvety green of the hills covered in morning mist ran wild in my verses. Suddenly you colored my world with unthinkable variations of reds, blues, greens, whites, pinks and yellows. The phantom man who haunted and inspired each word, who controlled the dancing fingers on my keyboard.

My emotions rose and fell like the waves of the ocean, taking me along on end endless rhapsody of life. My soul left my body and danced among the sand dunes..liberated. It’s swirling movements and soft taps echoed with my heartbeats.

Passion flowered under the deepest darkest corners of my life as you watered the tiny saplings of love in me. It seemed like a dream within a dream.. absolutely unbelievable yet true. I flowed like a wild river, rushing to meet you at every bank and every turn, full of hopes, dreams, joys and promises.

Your love like the mellow warmth of the winter sun thawed my frozen heart and rejuvenated it. I was alive.

But….

The time like a winged thief stole the most magical moments of my life. In my insanity of the new found love I forgot to see that I was travelling the path alone. Somehwere you had changed your path and left me dancing to the echoes.

As I watched the shadows of gloom descend and envelope everything that surrounded me. The hushed bliss had turned into a morgue like silence. The river had lost it’s youthful rhythm … the ripples were there but soon they would be gone too.

I began to gather the broken pieces of my heart. the sand beneath my tender naked feet began to burn. the blisters bled and a trail of crimson footprints began to take shape as I ran after what was mirage.

I could not let go. No, it was not true, it could not be. In the dark recesses of my mind your love was still moist and warm breathing life into whatever remained of my ravaged self.

In every winter’s heart, there is a quivering spring, behind the veil of each night, there is a smiling dawn, is that not what you used to day .

Where is my dawn ? Why am I scared of the night which brought the best in me for you.

I try to still myself, to control my breath and the thoughts. The night is stained with the memories of lost love, of deception, broken promises, guilt, excuses and hurt. The sunsets that I chased make me weep. The moon, which we both saw from our windows across the oceans and the deserts and saw each other in it, vacantly stares from the raven sky. My heart looses track and I try to listen in vain for those millions of heartbeats when I merged into you. They all seem to have melted away.

Autumn has left the trees bare just like my heart. I watch each leaf, dried and crunchy, slowly glide to the ground like my desires and dreams and see it get piled up, crushed and then scattered away with the wind.

Splinters of memories dig deep through my soul, leaving it bloody and bruised. The day goes by in doing various mundane tasks but it’s the nights that bring the agony and the pain. It still makes me alive but with different emotions. Tears that sparkled on my eyelashes in the brilliance of your love now burn the skin as they roll down ceaselessly like the lava from the volcano. The whirlpool of emotions, feeling that are trapped within, memories that jostle with each other create such a havoc inside me while a smile struggles through the frozen tears to face the outside world.

Gaping spaces yearn to be filled, the fruitless life longs for that dawn of hope. All in vain.

Where did we err?

I wonder what happened to the little notes of love that I wrote. Are they tucked away somewhere in the crevices, tear stained and crumpled, forgotten.

I look around the sand dunes and the emptiness around me . In the dust filled sky , your faint outline on the horizon lifts my dying spirit. Are you a mirage or just a distance not traveled? I gather the remaining stardust in my hands and under the faint light of the moon, which limply hung from the torn garment of the night sky, I began to struggle through the shifting sand grains.

I hear your voice though distorted. at times it’s different, like that of a complete stranger. I follow my instincts. There is nothing more to lose. All that I had was given to you with complete trust and devotion. Now with a torn, trailing veil of memories I seek you.

The dust of dreams leaves one thirsty,I try to ignore the feeling and as one dream another rises. I follow them relentlessly, hoping to reach you.

I lose when I count how many times I reached out to you and cried out your name.

The asphyxiating silence prevails.. I don’t know how many dreams will end before I find you again but hope is a miraculous thing at least for me for it keeps my life strings attached to you. Maybe someday I will be able to cover the distance between us or maybe you will go wandering back into the corridors of memory, find me there and breath life into my soul.

The night has fallen again, the cool breeze seeps inside me as I watch the dark sky where clouds drift like distant dreams. I wonder if you will ever read this but I know that the breeze will carry the fragrance of the passion flowers to you and maybe, rekindle the flame from the ashes of our love.