The pursuit of the query “Who am I ?” destroys all other thoughts. I ask myself relentlessly this question over and over again. Who am I? What is my role in the bigger scheme of things? Where is the life leading me? Is it the right path I have chosen or let’s say have I given any direction to my life as yet or is it simply flowing without any aim , any course?
I look within and find a storm rising. A disturbance .. something is not right. I need to go inward and seek the answer.
If I am not the five senses and the body, if I am not the mind and not the doer , who am I ? I meditate on this and still find no clue, but I am reduced to nothing. everything falls apart. The “I ” , the “ego” drops dead. leaving behind a void. All illusions vanish. Everything seems fake.
I let the thoughts freeze .. silence follows. A deep rooted silence. I try to make the mind come out of the illusion of self, of the world around me. It hurts. The mind pushes me to either close or open my eyes ( I meditate with half closed eyes). It persuades me to go flow with the world we have created to satisfy our “self”. The tussle intensifies within. I am pulled away by an inner force.
I want to remove myself, even from myself. Why is it that I can not be complete within? Why do I need someone to copliment me or complete me? What does it take to break away from bonds that tie you in the shackles of expectations, hope, pain, guilt, love, desire, anger, envy, rage, jealousy, and much more?
I try to set free the things and events that hold me captive but in vain. The mind overpowers and even though there is realization , I am unable to act. Giving in to the viciousness of my mind.
Why is it that even after knowing how to discern, I give importance to things, events, people who mean so little in the journey called life.
I am lonely when I want to be alone. there is a difference. It is an obstacle in my path of self realization.
I let emotions rule, even now. Even After some years of self control I still give in. Give in to circumstances which should not affect me.
Where is all the learning going? Why I feel a sense of guilt when one part of me mocks at the other for my actions.
what pulls me ? what force? is it greater than the one I need to pursue or is it that I am not yet ready? I feel I am creating stop overs. Places from where I can return if I get scared or feel lost. The absolute faith in the divine and unknown is still lacking.
The question remains unanswered .. the desire to renounce is growing. To uncling, to let go, to set free .. to move forward by taking an inner journey ..let us see how I am able to achieve it.. till then the relentless pursuit is on.