In pursuit of the query “Who am I?”

The pursuit of the query “Who am I ?” destroys all other thoughts. I ask myself relentlessly this question over and over again. Who am I? What is my role in the bigger scheme of things? Where is the life leading me? Is it the right path I have chosen or let’s say have I given any direction to my life as yet or is it simply flowing without any aim , any course?

I look within and find a storm rising. A disturbance .. something is not right. I need to go inward and seek the answer.

If I am not the five senses and the body, if I am not the mind and not the doer , who am I ? I meditate on this and still find no clue, but I am reduced to nothing. everything falls apart. The “I ” , the “ego” drops dead. leaving behind a void. All illusions vanish. Everything seems fake.

I let the thoughts freeze .. silence follows. A deep rooted silence. I try to make the mind come out of the illusion of self, of the world around me. It hurts. The mind pushes me to either close or open my eyes ( I meditate with half closed eyes). It persuades me to go flow with the world we have created to satisfy our “self”. The tussle intensifies within. I am pulled away by an inner force.

I want to remove myself, even from myself. Why is it that I can not be complete within? Why do I need someone to copliment me or complete me? What does it take to break away from bonds that tie you in the shackles of expectations, hope, pain, guilt, love, desire, anger, envy, rage, jealousy, and much more?

I try to set free the things and events that hold me captive but in vain. The mind overpowers and even though there is realization , I am unable to act. Giving in to the viciousness of my mind.
Why is it that even after knowing how to discern, I give importance to things, events, people who mean so little in the journey called life.

I am lonely when I want to be alone. there is a difference. It is an obstacle in my path of self realization.

I let emotions rule, even now. Even After some years of self control I still give in. Give in to circumstances which should not affect me.

Where is all the learning going? Why I feel a sense of guilt when one part of me mocks at the other for my actions.
what pulls me ? what force? is it greater than the one I need to pursue or is it that I am not yet ready? I feel I am creating stop overs. Places from where I can return if I get scared or feel lost. The absolute faith in the divine and unknown is still lacking.

The question remains unanswered .. the desire to renounce is growing. To uncling, to let go, to set free .. to move forward by taking an inner journey ..let us see how I am able to achieve it.. till then the relentless pursuit is on.

Dream Diary : Dead man talking

They say that morning dream often come true and many a times dreams also indicate some future events. There are also different interpretations to what a specific dream may mean.

I had a strange dream two days back. It must have been three in the morning and I was in a half awakened state I guess.

The time was around 6 in the morning. The body of a man lay on an elevated wooden platform in the park right behind our home. I could see that his face was visible and so were his hands. A crisp white sheet covered the rest of the body. He was about 50 years of age. On the top floor of the building opposite ours, lot of people had gathered. Maybe the man lived there. Some young men were washing large utensils at a little distance from the platform. Hardly anyone noticed as we approached. Adi and I were curious. It seemed strange that a dead man was left unattended in the middle of the park.

As we inspected the body I noticed something strange. His eye balls were moving under the closed eye lids. We are a different lot and such things don’t scare us so we came a little closer to see what was exactly happening. Adi pointed out that even his lips were quivering a little at a specific interval. The man seemed dead all right but to confirm I placed my hand on his chest. No heartbeat. We were concerned. Was the man alive? why was he lying there alone on a wooden platform, declared dead ? I wondered if we should try to bring some life into him. But how ?

There was something strange about the whole situation and we looked around to find some clue. Nothing. The workers kept talking in low voices and concentrated on their washing, oblivious to our presence.

The very next moment my hubby called us to come and watch something from the terrace facing the park . My son and I rush to the terrace.

The dead man had risen to sitting position and there was a group of people facing him. The workers were no more there. Everyone was dressed for the occasion in pure white. They all had strange expressions on their faces. We decided to take a closer look.

Ignoring the angry shouts of his dad , Adi took my hand and we rushed to the park. As we moved in from behind, we heard the dead man speak

” look at yourselves. I have been dead since last night and you abandoned me here in the chill of the night whereas these mother and son came to me with concern and care even without knowing me.” He kept muttering something which we could not understand.

The group of people wore a puzzled look and their faces were while as snow.

I held Adi’s hand and whispered,” His eyes were closed damn it, how does he know we are mother and son ?”

Adi’s hands were moist but he kept staring at the dead man.” He looks dead all right ma. He is stiff and ..well… Darn .. it beats me what’s going on, let’s move out “.

A dead man sitting up and talking me as well

Adi turns 18 : Remembering the special moments


Today my first born will turned 18. Its five in the morn’ and I watch him sleep peacefully feeling warm all over and remembering the special moments we shared since he came into my life. How we overcame each handicap like a hurdle in a steeple chase, riding smoothly with courage and confidence and throwing our hearts over it so that we could cross it too.

There were times when every debate would start and end with two sentences. I would say,” Not till you are 18.’ and he would say ,” Wait till I turn 18″. It scared me at times but most of the times I would smile and wonder,
“Will the excitement of turning an adult be as much as it is now?”

There was always something special between us. Though I never pampered him like all Indian mothers do, there was an unexplainable unsaid bond with which our heart strings were attached. Somehow I had the feeling that he understood more than the other children of his age. He had a very rough childhood and for me as a mother It was an extremely difficult time. Many a times I would look into his deep questioning eyes and have no answers to anything. He would watch the drama unfold in the house scene by scene everyday and cling to me unable to express how he felt. Helpless and sad. It was heart wrenching and I tried to instill love, compassion, forgiveness and taught him not to judge and be independent of any thing that hinders his growth as a human being.

Just as I was given a choice to discern and take decisions on our own, I wanted my child to do the same. There were never any social or religious bondings. The child was free to blossom and I tried to do my best, under the given circumstances, to see it happen.

There are times when I felt guilty of bringing him into a world where I myself was finding roots. At times I would takeout all the frustration on him , knowing it was wrong… but still.. He would never utter a single world of rebellion or throw tantrums making me feel even more guilty.

A lovable, calm child, he would spend hours playing by himself, reading books, coloring or just observing nature in the park from the little terrace. He is a wonderful dancer and loves music just like the rest of us.

I had my share of “Oh please not again” times, when he would quietly empty a shampoo bottle in tub or hide in a corner behind the curtain with ladoos or any mithai. He loved to sing and we would have sessions of music and book reading. It used to be a joy to watch this little thin lad run after butterflies or chuckle at the sound of some bird or on spotting a ladybird.

I would smile and watch him observe the line of ants and marvel at the amount of curiosity he had. Always open to learn anything new. During his middle school, the teachers used to call him ” walking Encyclopedia”.

Sometimes I would find him hiding and watching me put a freshly painted picture on the refrigerator door. I can never forget the look of pride and love he used to have at such times. Cleaning his room was like shoveling the path before it stopped snowing.. At night the last thing I did for years was , pick up dinkies, toys, books, pencils, colors, clothes, half eaten fruits, empty cans and some mysterious looking objects which I never could make out what they actually were.

The time he fell sick was the most difficult period for all of us. Glumer Nephritis and Nephrotic Syndrome were new words for us and It was unbearable to see a child of three suffer so much. The disorder took a toll on his health. Although he recovered fully, It was remarkable the way he handled his illness. Silently he would observe everything and everyone including me and tell me to rest for sometime, eat something etc, assuring that he was feeling better and there was no need to worry. With moist eyes I watched my son’s courage and consideration.

Sending the cynosure of my eyes to the residential school simple broke me and him, although he was keen and it would have helped his frail health aslo. Ranikhet is a beautiful place and I thought the mountain air would help him build up his stamina. Four years of residential schooling changed him completely. He matured into a handsome athletic independent boy. All the pain and tears of seperation were washed away.

Although both of us pretended to be happy at the end of it , each one knew there was a hidden guilt and sorrow behind his going. Sending him away from a younger sibling and the rest of the family wasn’t a right step, but there was no other option. It was a sacrifice he had to make because of our mistakes. I still feel guilty about it.

Now when I watch him paint and draw and pursue his passion for animation and visual graphics I thank the creator for giving him a creative mind. Be it food, music, dance, art or anything he is always experimenting. Both my boys are complete foodies and love to experiment.

Adi and I shared some wonderful moments cooking, baking, reading, dancing, traveling to new destinations, enjoying local cuisines, doing window shopping and our love for all creatures big and small especially snakes and raptors and all the creepy crawlies made life one big adventure.

The best workout sessions were helping him take baby steps, running all over the house after him, walking along his bicycle, and then going for long walks. we explored the hills wherever we went discovering new flora nad fauna. Those are the moments of unexplainable joy and comradeship.

Each moment that we shared till now was an unrepeatable miracle, thats what it was , unrepeatable and miracle.

Though I had my share of troubles with him , I think I enjoyed it. The foundation of our love and friendship is laid on solid grounds and we grow seperately without growing apart. He is the best friend I have and we share all the secrets , almost all 😉

I support all his dreams even if that means he moves away..I hope he takes the right direction and takes right decisions, makes right choices.

I had the highest salaried job ..Motherhood… coz the payment was Pure love..

I live though him and when I see him excel in things I could not pursue it gives me immense joy.

Now from today his life takes a new dimension. As a young adult there will be added responsibilities towards self and others and I am sure he will take life with serenity and poise.

Seeing the fan following he has and the girls of all shapes and sizes that hover around him like delicate butterflies, I call him ” love magnet’ and he calls himself ” LOVE GURU”. There are long sessions of confessions, suggestions, advice, over the phone and chats. I am glad in a way that he is able to change lives and make people feel good in some way. Few people have that gift.

Each of his growing year has been a new learning process for me and I attained a new avtar each time. Some of the best teaching and words of comfort came from my first born. In times when things seemed bleak and the darkest clouds wrapped my life , he , as a bright shinning sun brought so much strength and showed me the light. I am thinkful to each of my boys for enriching my life in one way or the other.
love you guys.

Happy18th Birthday sweetheart .. may you always be blessed with good health, peace and joy ..