Normally I do not sleep post lunch but for some days nights have been stuffy and restless. Unable to sleep I toss and turn in the bed, dozing on and off into slumber and wake up with a start.
Something has been tugging me at heart since long and I am trying to find solutions. Since yesterday morning I had a vague feeling, a mixed emotion of fear and longing but I kept it to myself wondering if it was just another play of the devious mind or something deeper than that, a heartache.
Today was a quiet day and tired from the pre lunch activities and lack of sleep my body began to demand rest. Unusual, because this rarely happens and as my eyes began to feel heavy I excused myself to the bedroom.
Someone noticed that I was quieter than before and asked if I was missing my boys. I think I did reply but it’s not very clear now.
Sleep took over the moment I hit the pillow. An insatiable thirst woke me from a dream. An old dream recurred after a very long time and got overlapped with a new one. The havelies have become an integral part of my dreams and surely have some significance and some relation with my past life.
I often wonder why I see and remember the details of even the minutest part of dream. The colors, the clothes, the streets, everything is absolutely clear.
These are the dreams that stay with me.
Its evening when I enter the fort or haveli , the door is heavily carved and the corridor is mostly dark except for the light filtering in from the jharokhas above and the mashals ( torches) which threw dancing shadows on the cold stone walls.
I am searching for someone but don’t see him anywhere.
A heavily dressed woman is sitting on a carved bench of stone made along the left side of the corridor. There are two young women with her who get up and move aside the moment they see me. I kneel and pay my respect to her but she is anxious to find me there. A sort of resentment is visible on her face. I hear whispers from the young attendants. She gives a cold stare and gestures me to follow her. WE move ten paces and go up an iron staircase. I follow her without question and on top of the stairs there is another beautifully carved heavy door .She opens it for me and I walk in without question. The door is shut behind me and then I realize that it is a cell. I notice how dark and cold everything is. I have been here before. I have spent an entire lifetime here, secluded from the world.
This dream was constant many years back and came as a flash and got overlapped with a new one. Even in my subconscious mind I recognized it . Something took control and transported me to another time.
I am in the fort/ haveli garden and there is some zamindar (landlord) or stately prince, someone powerful and authoritative. He orders his men to tie my hands and take me away.
The men have covered faces and only eyes are visible. One of them holds me firmly and almost drags me inside the same corridor but from the door on the other side. It’s much more lighted. His grip is strong and hurts. (I felt the pain on my right arm even after waking up) .
The other two subordinates are told to stay behind. I recognize the touch .It is familiar but I can’t place it. We pass two small water bodies where two women are being given some ceremonial bath. Large mature women, nude and sort of sedated are being bathed by men in a pool of water laced with white flowers. Terrified of my fate I cringe and struggle to escape but am firmly and closely held by my escort. I can feel his breathing and body heat. That too is familiar. I have experienced it before.
Something tells me he won’t harm as I am hurriedly led from the scene. We reach the same staircase and the shadows increase. He reveals himself and before I can express myself holds me close and rushes upstairs. In the process my anklets fall.
It is surprising how I can see the gold broad old-fashioned anklets shimmering in the light of the torches.
I struggle to get away and pick them before anyone comes. They will reveal my identity. I see a young maid and tell her to pass them to me but she is too aghast and petrified to pick them. He keeps insisting on moving away. His arms wrapped strongly around me. I long for the anklets for some reason. My life depends on not being recognized.
We hear the sounds from a distance. Fear grips me.
I opened my eyes slowly and scanned the room unable to place where I am. The dream left me listless and sad.
Last few days have been crazy enough to run me down but the beautiful moon in the sky today lifted my heart. Sometimes a voice, few words, a feeling of warmth floods the heart and makes up for all that is lost.
The dream needs to be interpreted along with the earlier ones. I am putting it in Dream Diary category. Hope the beautiful night brings solace and calms my yearning .
