After considering a lot I have decided to include the first part of Sonya’s Diary as snippets from memory lane.
Slumbering sun , cloud cover, silence of early dawn and I . Waking up in a warm cozy bed in a house full of loving caring people , great food , laughter and total relaxation is what my aches for and here I am in my granny’s home in this beautiful city. The touch of black leather cover and crisp white pages is sensuous. It will be difficult to kill virginity of this diary with blue-black letters so I will use the color of blood -Red at least for now.
Red is also color of love they say but life is not just bed of roses , there are sharp thorns that draw blood at the very touch.
Why did he gift me a diary ? Who will read it anyway ? Is it safe to bare your deepest darkest secrets , desires ? Was there a glint of mischief in his eyes or do I become delirious the moment he walks in.
Anyway today is the first day of freedom. I guess mom and I shed our polluted skins and breathe free here. I know some rainy day I will open the gutter and spill the muck on the sidewalk only to make space for more but then it is better than it overflowing and rotting.
Today nothing of that , only celebration of yesterday’s fragrant little adventure. I am still warmed by that touch. Stolen kisses are sweetest but missed kisses uff they throb like hell. Christ ! heart flutters are all good but that ice-cube sliding down your spine is erotic.
Why do people confuse love with sex, passion, hunger, lust and desires or it just that it is too confusing to decipher ?
I don’t know but these moments of pure bliss are right here and never to return . I know we will part ways .Society sucks. Might as well become a tree in autumn. Leafless, bare.
Twenty years of age and still longing for a man’s company . My life is more mundane than any other. Curled up inside I go through it splitting into many fragments at each moment. so many identities so many me. Mom understands but rest of the family , they say that this is no place for dreamers.
One such dreamer is shifting under her skin somewhere . I wonder where she went . Haven’t seen her in ages. No contact. Inseparable school friends separated for life. I miss you T.
Time to leave the bed. You go undercover my secret sharer while I follow the aroma of an early breakfast . Being pampered is a bliss but I know someone is going to screw it all. Hawk eyed monsters ready to tear your flesh at the blink of an eye.
I will meet you everyday before the sun rises from sleep and spills the wine across the sky. Clumsy fool.
Sorry babes I was away from you for so long. you see I am not used to scribbling my scatterbrain thoughts each day. it has been a wonderful stay till now. Outing , traditional food, fun and laughter, music and theater and most of all his company. The two-day break to L was all I needed. Tomorrow I will go back to home but before than I want to dwell on something here. Heart is like a butterfly delicate, vibrant , pulsating with life but wayward.
Let me tell you about me. I am going to be 21 and still no sure of what course my life will take. Am a traveler by heart who is stuck at one destination for the lack of courage and resources . A part of me wanders all the time and then gets kicked in the back by reality to curl up inside the insecure, foolish me. Damn.
First love came to me with social bondage. How I hate this double-faced society but then what is can not be altered. Not at this stage. So I go with the flow and leave behind one precious part of me to follow a path which I am sure isn’t meant for me. Why am I taking it ? Because I see no other way now.
He questioned me at night under the moonlit kadamb trees.
“Do you love this guy , this so-called boy friend of yours Sonya ? “
I guess so” I had replied.
Not really committing. Yes would mean I love N less which I don’t , Only if there were no social norms. Sigh!
He wasn’t giving up. “Are you wanting to marry him for any other reason than love? You have life ahead . You can still pursue a career in French or do something else. He doesn’t seem to be your kind of person. Are you rebelling against something, family, suffocation at home or society ?”
I wanted to scream Yes I am . I am getting into this relationship to escape myself, this restlessness, home environment , You, damn it but I denied and kept a brave front and talked and talked about this man in my life. I wasn’t convinced myself what could I say to him. Why didn’t he stop me ?
And that’s here I am sitting tucked in the warmth of the blanket , eyes brimming with hot tears scribbling madly. Knowing I will read and read again and the thorns will draw more and more blood. That is why I hate diaries . I know now why he gave it to me . Sort yourself out Sonya and if you can’t then God save you girl for I am weak hearted and can not give you anything more than those precious moments of ignited passion and unfulfilled desires.
You Fool . What have you done.
It’s late and the sky is full of little asterisks shimmering softly. My bags are packed , my home town holds keys to my dreams and nightmares. Let sleep heal. I am going through two opposite emotions of love and disappointment now. Hate ? don’t think that’s a right word. I know the other heart is suffering more than me. To let go for apparently no reason is tough. These memories will be food for life time of hurt and pain .
…………..to be continued